Saturday, 7 January 2017

Saturday ponderings . . .



 

Today my oldest daughter, Eileen  turns 39.  It hardly seems possible.  It seems like it was just yesterday when I was holding her in my arms for the very first time, and wondering at the wonder of her.  The years fly by so quickly.  I hope that she has a lovely day.  I am sure that she will.  She has plans to go with her husband and a few friends out for a Chinese meal at their local Chinese Restaurant.  I know what she will have.  Sweet and Sour Chicken Balls, Beef and Broccoli and Fried Rice with an Egg Roll.   She didn't tell me what she was going to order, but I have been with her many times in the past and that is what she always gets, and that is what I always get.  We are like two peas in a pod.  We not only look alike, but we share many of the same qualities.  We are both tenacious, stubborn and dogmatic.  We are both loyal and tender hearted.  We both love with all of ourselves and care deeply for those around us.  We both try hard at anything we put our hands to doing.  We don't give up.  I love her with all of my heart and I am very proud of all that she has and will accomplish in her life.  She is a beautiful woman with a beautiful heart, where beauty really counts.  I am so very grateful for the relationship I have with her.  It is a wonderful gift to me.  I wish I could do more for her.


I think we talk just about every day on the computer.   I love that she seeks me out and wants to talk to me.  It makes me happy that she wants to do that and that I am the first one she wants to talk to when something goes wrong in her life, or when she needs advice, or when she is sad or happy , or even when she just wants to talk.   That means the world to me.   It is a wonderful treasure.

I was going through my family photos that I have stored in photobucket this morning and it made me feel incredibly sad.  Life is a funny thing.  For some people it turns out exactly the way they imagined it would turn out and then for others it becomes something completely different.




They say you get the life you deserve.   I don't know if that is true or not.   Once upon a time I imagined that in my sixties I would be surrounded by children and grandchildren and living happily ever after.  Instead I find myself quite on my own over here in a strange land.  I have a husband who loves the bones off me, and honors me with respect and care . . .  and a wonderful puppy who does the same.  I have three children who want to have a relationship with me and two that do not.   Five out of my seven grandchildren know who I am and are comfortable talking to me. I find myself having to measure and monitor my speech around and in certain places because I know there are people who lie in wait for me to trip up and who would do anything to take away these few things that bring me joy in my life, to destroy what I do have, or to twist things I do/say for some ulterior motive of their own that I can not even begin to comprehend.  It makes me sad to know that.  I don't understand it.  It makes me sad that these very moments in life that I should be enjoying to the fullest, like  Birthdays and Christmas's, Mother's Days,etc. are always tinged with sorrow and fear . . .  and loss.  It makes me sad that I am always afraid that someone will swoop in and spoil them for me, that I find myself always waiting for it, for the monster to jump out of the closet and shout, Gotcha!   I hate that I feel unable to share things with you untmostly and especially on those special occasions because I know that if I did someone would want to spoil it, and would try . . . and sadly would probably succeed.  It makes me sad that someone could hate me so much and I find myself wondering why . . .  what have I ever done to them . . .


 

I find a great comfort in the Gospel  and the peace and knowledge it brings into my life.   I find myself dwelling on and cherishing things and people like my husband and Mitzie, my relationship with Eileen and my two oldest sons, Anthony and Doug, my oldest five grandsons, my mom and my dad . . . my friends both real and invisible . . .  my art, my crafts  . . .  cooking, blogging. 

No . . . . .  it isn't the life I imagined I would have, but it is still a very good life.  And I am grateful for that.

I am the daughter of a King with a Divine inheritance.  I am much more than the measure of the worst thing I have ever done    . . . and I am loved beyond measure.  I have and will accomplish great things.   I have risen like a phoenix from the ashes many times in my life,  and in large that is due to my faith which sustains me and brings me light and life.  I am a good person and I have surrounded myself with other good people. 

It is not the Happily Ever After I had envisioned when I was a much younger woman, but it is still a Happily Ever After.  It is my Happily Ever After.  Thanks for always listening and for putting up with my ponderings.  Tomorrow is a new day . . . and there is much to look forward to.


In The English Kitchen today  . . . . Swedish Apple Pie.  This may well be my undoing.  Oh my word it is so delicious.   Dangerous even.  It doesn't look like much and it is really simple to put together . . .  you think it won't work, but it does.  Beautifully.  Deliciously.  Dangerously. 

Have a great Saturday.  Don't forget . . .

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and I do too!



12 comments:

local alien said...

Such great joy and such great sorrow. You're a strong woman and write with great openness. You're lucky to have your faith. May your daughter live long in great health and may you enjoy her love.

Marie Rayner said...

Thanks Linda. I have always been honest with my readers. It would be really not right for me to present myself as a perfect person with everything in my life being perfect. You get me warts and all as my late friend Angie would say! Oh how I miss her. It will be 6 years this month since we lost her. She was a treasure. I am sure my girl will have a
The love,y day she deserves! Xoxo

La Table De Nana said...

You are incredibly honest..I feel sad for you reading this..

I wonder if everyone has areas of sadness or pain?

I read something in the last few days..not sure where..Live The Life You Have..it's The Only One You Have.

We can all look back and say:"If only..I had"..or :"What if?"..so many sayings that can be applicable to many or all of us.
You are so fortunate that your faith is such an intrinsic part of your life..
sadness overcomes many on certain days...some poor souls every day.
You can be filled with hope and super optmistic one day..and then the next..a heavy cloud floats above you.
I assure you my life and many others are not perfect..we just share I guess what we are comfortable sharing at the time.
I hope in talking about your sorrows..you are comforted.x

Marie Rayner said...

I think everyone has pockets of sadness and loss in their lives Monique. For me, it helps to be able to tslk about them, even though I really can't fully disclose the way some of these things impact me, I can share a little. I have come to realise more and more over these past couple of years that I will never be able to go back and live in Canada. I think this probably makes me saddest of all. But it's okay. My life can still be very good over here and I have the afterlife to look forward to and it will last ever so much longer than this little bit we are experiencing here on earth. This is just a spec in our eternal journies, as long as it may seem to us from time to time. I am sl grateful that my sad feelings don't last, or at least that I am able to rise above them and not let them affect me permanently. They are always there and never go away, but I have learned to live with them. Hope you are having a fab Saturday in your Winter Wonderland! There is a small part of me that misses the snow, but a larger part of me that doesn't!! haha

Deb said...

Hi Marie, So glad you have a good relationship with one of your daughters. I totally can relate to your sadness at not having a life that is what you thought it would be with regards to your children. My oldest son told his dad and I he wanted nothing to do with us about five years ago. He married and didn't invite to the wedding. We didn't hear from him at all until last November when he called me about, of all things, the American election! Go figure. Later we did get a Christmas card this year from him and his wife. That is it. I am letting him call the shots. If he wants a relationship, he can pursue it - but it is for him to decide. I love him tons, and always will, but he will have to make his own choices. If he wants to rebuild the relationship, we can, but one step at a time. Yes, the gospel does bring us peace and we know that if we do our part, things will turn out OK in the end. Love to you from your friend "across the pond" in Arizona.

Sybil said...

Hi Marie, please if you speak with Eileen today give her my love. I am hoping to hear soon that she is booking her flight over to visit.......I think we do all have our sad days but it is the way that we cope with these sad days that make us what we are...I'm sure you are much better these last couple of years when you truly realise that things will never be ....right......between you and the two boys, or their wives. But as well as it be your loss, it is also their loss,and I can only pray that one day they will realise that too.
Please please Marie will you say a prayer for my niece Beth and her husband Max their wee puppy had to be taken to the vet this morning....a bit like Mitzie....they think she may have eaten something when she was out for her walk last night, this morning they had to take her to the vet and it is 50/50 if she will recover they have put her on a drip to try to rehydrate her ,they called at noon and she was slightly better but hospitalised and still very bad...they are to go in at 3 but I have not heard since. I have a terrible feeling Marie,..they are devastated as you can imagine...please pray for them....thank you xxx

Suze said...

Marie I meant to be here early but life happened. Sometimes life happens no matter what your plan may be. I felt for you reading this post. I hope Eileen has a very special day and that you are feeling easier now.

Sybil I am wondering how the dog is going?

I am surprised at how welcome dogs are here. It amazes me to see so many of them out in public places.

I haven't seen the pavilion and it it looks grand from the little I have seen. Today Beth met up with a friend she hasn't seen in three years. They were great fun together. But being girls there were clothes to buy etc. We also went to Chockywockydodah. After that we rolled down the hill from the lanes and went to see Holiday on Ice. I was knackered and felt that the girls should have some me time. I walked back here very slowly and had a short rest. Now I am trying to hear if Beth has arrived to let her in. Tomorrow we are travelling to Chester.

God bless.

God bless you.

Sybil said...

Marie and Suze, latest news on Floppy is that she has been moved to the Vet.College in Bristol where they think she has eaten something toxic have put her back on drip and put her in ICU for next 24 hours where she will get round the clock attention. Beth thinks she wasn't little better after the first vet gave her the drip early this morning, it was he who suggested they take her to,the College they have an excellent recommendation so,Beth,is pleased she is there. Please if you can,keep praying,xx

Linda said...

I often wonder if anyone is ever truly "happy" with what life throws at them.
I have 3 children...2 daughters and 1 son...very close with one daughter...sons are different, eh?
It is very good therapy for you to write how you feel...kudos to you for baring your soul.
Cheers!
Linda :o)

LeAnn said...

Oh, my sweet friend; I feel sad that you have had these sad experiences. LIfe certainly has it twists and turns and you have had a good share of sadness. I do like how you express great joy in your faith, Todd and your life in general there. I am so happy you have such a sweet relationship with your daughter and two of your sons. You have blossomed in so many wonderful ways. You are so talented. You amaze me with all of your talents and I admire you so much. I can't imagine anyone that wouldn't just fall in love with the wonderful woman you are.
You have such a compassionate and generous heart. I know you are greatly loved by Heavenly Father and our Savior. You are a true daughter of Heavenly Father in everyway.
I hope with all my heart we meet someday. I too know great heartache. I do have a large and wonderful family. Sadly, enough they don't live close so I don't get a lot of interaction with my grandchildren. The only son that lives about 45 minutes away doesn't call or visit often unless there is a reason. We don't have a close relationship in many ways. He is our oldest son and there have been a multitude on struggles in his family. When we moved back to Utah, we didn't know why but now we do. it is because of the needs of his family. However, they are a hard family to help so we just love them when we do see them. Our oldest three grandchildren and families are all in active. Except one is trying to come back to church. This past year our youngest daughter has a husband that has become a doubter and is leaving the church; which is heartbreaking. You are right that life isn't what we sometimes dreamed. I have great faith; so I just keep praying for good things to come. I love you dear friend and am sending hugs your way!

Marie Rayner said...

Oh Deb I am so sorry that you have gone through a very similar thing. ((((hugs)))) I will keep you and your son in my prayers. Like you I know that things will turn out okay in the end. I think it was Elder Wirthlin who said that we will be compensated for every tear. Hugs right back to you across the pond to Arizona. xoxo

Hi Sybil, I did speak to Eileen and convey your wishes. She was having a great day and just getting ready to go out for her Chinese meal. I am keeping Beth and Max in my prayers. How very upsetting for them. Am praying that at the Vet College they will be able to do something for her and that she will soon be tickety boo. Please keep me posted. How very upsetting. ((((hugs)))) xoxo

The British are very Dog Oriented Suzan! We love our dogs! I am glad that you are having a nice time in Brighton. Glad that yuo have been given a nice warm coat to wear. I have never seen Holiday on Ice, but I know you are a skater and how much that would mean to you! Looking forward to finally meeting! I can't believe it is here! Travel in safety. xoxo

Linda, I don't there is any such thing as a charmed life. We all carry a measure of sorrow with us. It is good therapy to be able to talk/write about it for sure. God bless! xoxo

Marie Rayner said...

LeAnn, where would we be without our faith. It doesn't make life easier, but it sure helps us when it comes to shouldering our loads and gives us understanding I think. Thanks for the many lovely things you said about me. I am not sure if they are all true, but I will take them for the gift that they are! Love and hugs, xoxo

PS - How much longer do you and Roger have to serve?