Sunday, 29 January 2017

Sometimes you just got to let go . . .

 

 I don't know why it happened but yesterday afternoon suddenly I felt all the weight of everything that has been pressing on me these past months.  I was just sitting on the sofa playing my simple little game, and the tears just began to roll down my cheeks.  I don't know if I have been in denial all these months or what but yesterday afternoon, while my husband was taking what has become his daily afternoon nap, and while I was sitting there all alone, I took my head out of that hole in the ground and I cried.  I actually allowed myself to think the words . . .  my husband has cancer.

Other than when we were sitting in the specialist's office, listening to the words "I'm afraid you have cancer" for the very first time, I have not allowed myself to dwell on them.  I shed a few silent tears in that office on that day . . .  but I had not allowed myself to think of the negative aspect of that since.   I have tried to remain positive, and upbeat . . .  but yesterday . . . I felt the burden and heartache of that diagnosis in a way I had not allowed myself to feel it and I  . . .  cried.


 I didn't want to be a grown-up anymore . . . . having to deal with grown up things, making grown up decisions, having to worry about this or that, having to confront the demons of my soul, having to face up to the difficulties of life . . .  having to face the mortality of the man that I love and of myself . . .  I just wanted to be able to reach out to my mom or my dad or my grandmother and just crawl into their lap and have them tell me everything is going to be okay . . .  and then be able to believe that it is.   I wanted to dig into the biggest hugest sweetest bar of chocolate with abandon and without fear of the extra ten pounds it might bring.  I wanted to bury my face in Mitzie's belly and just lose myself in another world.  (I doubt she would let me.)  I wanted to lose myself in some mega retail-therapy sessions with a bazillion buckaroos . . . I wanted someone  . . .  to comfort me.  But I was alone, with . . .  only my thoughts and my dog . . .  and the Real Housewives of Miami.

And I cried. 

And I let myself feel all the things I had been stuffing down inside my heart for these past months.  I let myself feel afraid and I let myself feel sad and I let myself feel tired and angry and alone.   I was like the steam vent in the lid of a pressure cooker and I just let the steam out until there wasn't any steam to let out left in me . . . 


And I prayed. 

For peace.  For comfort.  For support.  For myself and for Todd.  I am pretty good at praying for other people, at asking for things for other people . . . at doing things for other people.   Yesterday I prayed for me, for us.  And I was able to find the peace I was seeking.  And I was able to find my solace.


Where can I turn for peace? 
Where is my solace 
When other sources cease to make me whole? 
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, 
I draw myself apart, 
Searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows, 
Where, when I languish, 
Where, in my need to know, 
where can I run? 
Where is the quiet hand 
to calm my anguish? 
Who, who can understand? 
He, only One.

He answers privately, 
Reaches my reaching 
In my Gethsemane, 
Savior and Friend. 
Gentle the peace he finds 
for my beseeching. 
Constant he is and kind, 
Love without end. 
~Emma Lou Thayne


All of my life I have been a giver.  Even when I have felt like I had nothing left to give, I have given.  I have always been the strong one.  The capable one.  The responsable one.  The do-er.  Yesterday I allowed myself to be ministered to.  And it was okay.  I let my demons out of the box and granted them the freedom they deserved.

It will be okay.  I will be okay.  No matter what happens.  I am at peace.  For now anyways.  That doesn't mean I won't cry again.  Sometimes it is in the process of letting go that you are actually able to let it go . . .

A thought to carry with you through today  . . .

.° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~\。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ | 田田 |門 ★

 *.˛.° ˛°. . 
˛*How great, how glorious, how complete

Redemption’s grand design,

Where justice, love, and mercy meet
In harmony divine!
~How Great the Wisdom and the Love, Hymns #195


Spiritual Enlightenment 



Baking In The English Kitchen today . . .  Lemon Curd Muffins.  Divine.


Have a wonderful Sunday.  Todd has had a bad night so he will be taking myself and the family we drive to church today and coming back home.  Then he will come to pick us up afterwards.  I hope that he can get some rest.   Don't forget!

═══════════ ღೋƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒღೋ ═══════════ ⊰✿░G░O░D⊰✿⊰L░O░V░E░S⊰✿⊰░Y░O░U░⊰✿
═══════════ ღೋƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒღೋ ═══════════

And I do too!


14 comments:

Suze said...

Marie, you and Todd are in my thoughts and little prayers often. I genuine;y feel for you both. Cancer is such a horrible word and I am sure we seem to have more cancer now because as humans we live so much longer. Doctors in the past were great diagnosticians. However, they had little to offer so many retain cancer as a professional nicety/secret. Ever day is a tough one for a family who has someone with a diagnosis.

God bless you and keep you.

Marie Rayner said...

Thanks Suzan. It appears that the people we normally take to church are not well today either and so Todd doesn't really have to drive and has gone back to bed. It is not so important that I get there, but we were worried about this other family. I will do church for shut ins. Love you! Thanks so much for your rayer and thoughts. xoxo

local alien said...

I hope your crying released some of your anxiety. How are your shingles. Husband, brother both had cancer, both are fit and well today. Going through the therapy is difficult for both of you. All my love

Ronnie said...

Marie - I have never commented before but here goes. You needed to cry and release the pressure you are under. Sometimes it takes time for things to sink in and when it does we all need to let it out. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself gently. You and Todd are both in my thoughts and prayers. Ronnie xx

Marie Rayner said...

Thanks Linda! My shingles disappeared as suddenly as they appeared. The pain moved down to my back and then after a particularly painful night, disappeared completely thank goodness! xoxo

Thanks Ronnie! Your thought, and prayers and comment are so very much appreciated! xoxo

kate hazlehurst said...

Hi Marie. It has taken me a while to reply to this post this morning as you have taken me on a trip down memory lane and I have joined you in your tears.

It was a long time coming and I had wondered when the reality of it all would hit you, but I believe it's definitely for the best. This explosion of sadness that happened yesterday will make you stronger and every time it happens, and I assure you it will, it will make you even more stronger.

When John was ill I used to go upstairs were he used to have a treadmill, put the radio or ipod on and go for a walk. The sound of the radio and treadmill used to drown out my sobs. I never wanted him to hear me, although obviously there were times we cried together.

So maybe you could have a little plan in place for somewhere to go when you know it's building up inside and you just have to let it go. Maybe you could retreat to your craft room. Todd too will need to let go, probably without wanting you to know, and should also be given the space to do it.

What you're both going through is horrendous but what you went through yesterday is perfectly normal. I know you can feel really alone but you have lots and lots of love and prayers coming your way. If there's ever anything I can do for you please please let me know.

Thinking of you. Lots of love xxx

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

It's good to let those tears flow. I've been doing a good bit of that too. Hope you have a wonderful Sunday!

La Table De Nana said...

Not through cancer but I have been in your shoes..

my deep concern and sorrow was losing Jacques..
I knew my parents for 19 yrs..Jacques 44..
what happens when a couple is together 24/7 for yrs..and then you are alone..I wrote..I cried..I felt sick..all these things are normal..fortunately the death sentence was a misdiagnosis.
Not to say we are both in perfect health..our general doctor says all is well apart from what the specialists are dealing with..

life changes w/ ill health and it happens in a heart beat..sometimes by accident..sometimes by poor medical work..
it is such a hard time you are going through..you might need a friend close by to have tea with to voice your concerns.
I know you do not like to be away from him..but maybe someone close could come chat while he is napping?
I too..know aquaintances that are all survivors of cancer..all:)

You can always tell us how you are feeling and you know we are thinking about you.
x

Marie Rayner said...

Monique, Kate, Pam, thank you all so much, Linda and Ronnie and Suzan . . . I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. You may be invisible but you are such a wonderful support for me. Thank you so much for listening/reading my thoughts and feelings. It means the world to me and your lovely comments uplift me in a very special way. I love you all. I do believe I have the kindest, sweetest readers in the world and am proud to call you friends. Thank you. xoxo

Sybil said...

Sorry my lovely Marie, I am late in tonight, no excuse really but I too have felt very tearful today, in fact as I write this the tears are tripping down my cheeks, unlike you I don't really have a good reason for tears,but sometimes the loneliness of being the last one in the family just seem to overcome me for no real reason. I think maybe it is good that these tears can come and although I feel terribly tired afterwards I to now that tomorrow will be a better day. I am glad that your tears came and as everyone has said it's only natural and I hope that it did make you feel better...as if a weight had been lifted from your shoulders.....Our wonderefuel God knew that Todd was not really fit to drive today and had it all planned that you did not need to go to church....Take care my dear friend, look after yourself this is most important a poorly Marie will be no good for anybody. I am sure there must be someone within your church that you can unburden yourself to in complete privacy. Perhaps it would help to share your concerns xxxxxx. Night night God Bless I pray that both you and Todd get a good nights sleep....xxxxx

J said...

I am so sorry that you are hurting! But if you don't let it out you could get sick! That's what happened to a friend's mom. She kept everything in and got terribly sick. Everybody needs to cry once in awhile. Also remember that you have something that your very excited about, to look forward to! I'm also excited for you! Hugs and prayers to you Marie and your Todd!

Marie Rayner said...

Thank you Sybil and J. Your love and thoughts and prayers are very much appreciated! xoxo

LeAnn said...

Oh you sweet girl, I am actually happy that you had this emotional moment. You need to let it out and not hold it all in. In life we grieve over many things, health issues, moves, divorces, death and the list goes on. There is a process with grief and I know you know that. At this moment you went through all the stages at once and it freed you. That being said, don't hold it in; you need to let it out. That's the healthy way. Of course, the use of prayer is my lifesaver for sure. He is the only one that can bring comfort and peace to your soul and I have felt that so many times.
I can say I have felt like you. I have wanted so badly to just call my Mom or have my Dad dance away my fears and be there with me. I think as spirits they perhaps are near by to help us during these kinds of struggles.
The hymn is one of my very favorites and I love to play it and especially when I am feeling down.
Thanks for putting into words the feelings that I have felt. I wish I had your talent for writing. I still think you should write a book.
Sedning, prayer, love and hugs your way!

Marie Rayner said...

Thanks LeAnn! Oh how I wish I had the ability to play the piano when I get to feeling like this. I could probably wear the keys out quite happily! Love you! xoxo