I can't think of a title . . .

 

First off this morning I wanted to thank you all very much for your comments yesterday.  They mean the world to me.  They have always meant the world to me. I try hard to answer each one when I can and I feel bad when I can't. I know I am behind a few days now on responding. I apologize for that.

I originally started writing a blog about 18 years ago I guess.  I started on My Space and then moved to AOL Journals and then finally to Blogger about 10 or so years ago.  When I started writing it was mainly for my children. I thought it was a way I could tell them about my life and its going's on, share my memories with them, and recipes too, that kind of thing. 

Then other people started reading my words and I realized that other people were interested in what I had to say, and that sometimes what I had to say meant something to them, helped them, inspired them, etc.  It became more than a journal to my children. I like to share with people if I can.  I can't help myself. I have a natural inclination to reach out to others and do what I can, even if it is only with words. 

I don't see myself as a guru, or a great teacher or anything like that. I am just a person winding my way through this life the best as I can, and if my journey with its ups and downs can help or inspire someone else, then that's great. I've always thought that was great. 

 

Last Autumn, this wonderful life I had built for myself started to unravel and fall apart.  It got to the point where I couldn't hide the reality of what was going on from people anymore, although many had started to guess that something was wrong. I have never been very good at hiding my feelings. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can't help it, its just me. 

And so I told you what was happening.  I did this, not because I was wanting sympathy or anything else, but because I wanted to be honest with you as I always had been.  I was in shock, and hurting deeply over it all and I wanted to share.  In the middle of a Global Pandemic, in isolation . . .  I reached out and shared. Not because I expected anything in return. That was never my motivation in sharing, and I feel it is really important that you know that.  

I, also, quite honestly, thought that there might be people out there going through similar situations that could possibly identify with what I was going through. And that, as I worked my way through my own situation . . . . I could help them, that we could help each other, whatever.  

And you don't know the half of how I am feeling, have felt, etc.  I have only just scratched upon the surface of my pain and my anguish. I have glossed a lot of it over because it is just too raw.  

This weekend for some reason has been really hard for me.  Oh, yes, I have had hard days over these past months, but this weekend it all bubbled to the surface, and I needed someone to tell me it was going to be okay. That I would be okay.  I needed to feel like I was not alone. 

I also wanted people to know that I have bad days,  that sometimes I feel distraught and hopeless, angry, incredibly hurt, whatever.  That I am human too. I have always felt it was incredibly irresponsible for people, for anyone . . . to portray themselves as having/living  a picture perfect life because life is far from being perfect for anyone. 

Life is filled with incredibly moments of sunshine and joy, but for many, many people it is the opposite, and they struggle to find their sunshine and joy.  I naively thought (throughout this whole journey) that by my sharing what I was and am going through, I might/could help someone else. 

These past few days, I really . . . in all honesty . . . felt like I  didn't want to be here anymore.  Its scary when you have feelings like that. Its been many, many years since I have had feelings like that.  I have found myself sitting on the edge of my bed at 3 in the morning weeping, and wondering and praying that somehow I could get through these feelings I have been having.

 

I will show you what I woke up to this morning  . . . 

Dee has left a new comment on your post "Its okay . . .":

Sounds as though someone isn’t getting all the freebies she drops lead weight hints with lashings of guilt on her blog, so she is pulling a MeAgain Markle pity me fest. People should really stop and put two and two together about why people in your family want nothing to do with you.

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I want you all to know that this has never been why I shared with you. I was incredibly humbled and grateful that anyone would want to reach out and help me in a tangible way like they did, but that was never ever my purpose in sharing my experiences with you.  If this comment which was left is how people really feel about me sharing my life, then perhaps I have reached the end of the purpose of this blog, the end of the road.

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ I have been taught, and I believe . . . that sharing openly with others about our lives can be a way of helping other people in similar situations.  As they watch how we maneuver our way through the slings and arrows of life, the ups and the downs, that some way, some how, we can lift and inspire, and yes, we can bring people closer to Christ, in showing them that even in our lowest moments, He can be there for us if we will reach out to Him in faith.  That the words in Doctrine and Covenants 84:88 are true. 

And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up. Doctrine & Covenants 84:88 

You have all been my angels throughout this.  A constant reminder to me that my Heavenly Father knows my name and loves me and cares about what happens to me, and has set his angels round about me to bear me up through an unimaginably hurtful and heartbreaking period of my life.

I thank you for that. I will always thank you for that.