Wednesday, 14 September 2016

Forever is Composed of Nows . . .



When I was a small child I used to believe in "Happily Ever After" and  "Heroes on White Horses."  I somehow thought that magically one day a Prince would carry me off to a future as beautiful as a magnificent palace filled with endless treasures and joys.  I believed that happiness could only be found in a perfect life filled with beautiful things and pleasures . . .  in a plastic bubble that nothing bad could ever touch . . . where sorrow and disappointment and pain could and would never exist.

That is the fairy tale . . .  the child-like dream.  Oh how very different life is than that.    How grateful I am that I grew up and was able to move beyond that child-like dream and to recognise the value of "nows."  How easy it would have been to miss what has been a beautiful life in waiting for my Happily Ever After and my Hero on a White horse.  How easy it would have been to feel cheated in life because I never ended up rich, or famous, or beautiful, or popular, or any of a bazillion other things that some people equate with happiness.

 Instead I have  . . .

 

Loved and lost, and loved and lost and loved some more.  I've had my heart broken many, many times.  I've felt like true love's kiss would never ever be mine.  I've disappointed and been disappointed.  I've hurt and been hurt . . .  but I would not change any of it, not one iota.  Losses and gains are all a part of who I am and who I have become . . . of the process of becoming a better me, of learning.  I would like to be able to say that I have been with my partner for thirty, or forty or someday even fifty years.  That didn't happen.  Instead I messed up not once but twice, only to make it right the third time around.

And my Prince didn't come charging in on a white horse . . .  not any of the times . . . and my idols have had clay feet . . .  but I have loved and been loved . . .  and each had its pain and its value and its joys.

Forever is composed of nows . . .



 

Experienced mornings and days filled with feeling so nauseated that I never thought I would ever feel well again, months of sleepness nights where I could not find a comfortable position to sleep in, days  and weeks when just walking or doing the simplest of chores was difficult, and endured countless hours of pain and agony  . . . . not once but five times  . . . culminating each time in the miracle of holding a wee precious soul in my arms, with a love in my heart that swept away all of the nausea, sleeplessness, uncomfortable days, difficulties and pains . . . all to be forgotten in an instant.  All forgotten in a heart so filled with love that it could almost break open with the fullness and the wonder of it all.

Forever is composed of nows  . . .



 I've had cakes fall and I've had cakes rise.  I've experienced loss and defeat . . .  the sadness of having dreams broken and never coming to fruition . . . failure . . . sorrow . . . the pain of the loss of loved ones dear.  In fact, a great deal of my life has been  a struggle in one way or another.  I've never not had to worry about bills being paid . . . had to rely on a 10p car to get me here and there.   For most of my life I have not had anything that is new, only used.   But I have had a car, and a bed and a television, new or not  . . .  and I have never been homeless, or hungry, or truly cold, or truly without any of the basic necessities of life.  I have learned the value of wanting what you already have versus the value of having what you want . . .  and wanting what you already have is infinitely more valuable.  It is a gift.

 Forever is composed of nows . . .

 

I've tripped through fields of buttercups . . .  peered through the magical mists of fog dampened mornings . . . smelt the wonder of "after rain" in the air . . . caught and tasted precious snowflakes on my tongue . . . felt the beauty and warmth of a sunny day on my cheeks and brow . . . experienced the crunch of acorns beneath walking feet . . .  sniffed furry toes scented of popcorn, been just hungry enough to appreciate what's been put in front of me, and a myriad of other  wonders that some might take for granted, but for which I have blessedly been able to see and value for what they really are . . . the mystical moments of "Now."

Forever IS composed of nows  . . .

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Cooking in The English Kitchen today  . . .  Tomato Jam.  Not made from fresh garden tomatoes this time around, there were too few, but delicious all the same.


I've gotten up about an hour later than usual these past few mornings, proving that it is indeed the light of day which wakes me up more than anything, but leaving me with less time to write.  I must be about my day and you must be about yours . . . .  wherever you go and whatever you get up to don't forget!

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 And I do too! 



9 comments:

Suze said...

God bless your day Marie.

I feel a little better. Right now I feel sheepish because in my fifties I am still having ear infections and they knock me about to.

Enjoy your day darling and let's see if this posts.

Marie Rayner said...

I don't think ear infections are respecters of age Suzan. I still get them from time to time. I've been plagued with them my whole life. The by-product of having ear channels that are too small. ((((hugs)))) Hope you feel better soon. xoxo

kate hazlehurst said...

What a lovely post Marie, you are indeed blessed! On my way to Manchester to see my daughter and that makes me feel blessed too! Lots of love xxx

La Table De Nana said...

It is a lovely post..:)
Perfect reading to start the day.

Mother Em said...

We just celebrated our 46th year together, when my entire family said it wouldn't last. Always wonder what it would have been like if we hadn't moved away from "home." They eventually came around after our daughter was born but it took a while. Now, I only have one member of my family left and ever-so far away. Yes, there have been ups and downs, mostly with my "silence" (like my Momma) never verbal fussing, but guess this is what God planned for me. Here's to another 46,at least "one-day-at-a-time Sweet Jesus." (Mother Em is Mary in Georgia!)

Marie Rayner said...

Thanks Kate! I hope you have a lovely time with your daughter! Somehow I know you will! It is odd to think of us living so close to each other and yet never having met. xoxo

Thank you so much Monique, like me, you are a person who feasts on the nows and appreciates all you have been given. Love you to bits! xoxo

Congratulations Mary! How very wonderful! Yes, one day at a time Sweet Jesus! Love and hugs to you! xoxo

Anna Banana said...

Love today's post. It took a bit longer than it should have for me to realize life is not a fairy tale. Once i let that expectation go, then it has become much easier to appreciate what IS instead of how i think things should have been. Thank you for being you!

LeAnn said...

Forever is composed of nows and I enjoyed this post so much! Marie, you are such a talented writer. I was truly swept away by your thoughts today. Many of them were ones that I have lived and felt; especially the births of my dear children. Thanks for your sweet writings and for the feelings that your words brought to my heart. I love you dear friend! Hugs~

Marie Rayner said...

Thanks for your lovely comment Anna! You made my day! xoxo

Thanks LeAnn! I think it is one of our Apostles who said that a mother's love for her children comes closest to our Saviour's love for us. Love and hugs right back! xoxo