Saturday, 29 March 2014

Keeping it real . . .



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Sometimes I wake up in the morning totally lacking in motivation . . . like a thick damp fog is laying over me, keeping me down and I feel like I am lost.  It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, I just wish that I could go back to bed again and wake up again, in a sunnier mood . . .

Those are the days when I don't want to do much of anything at all.   The days when I just want to lay around and wallow in self pity . . .  when I feel sad and lost and . . .  blue.


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Those are the days where I alternate between feeling invisible and feeling sad about that . . . and wanting to actually be invisible.  Days when I wish I could just jump on a plane or a train or a bus and just go . . . I don't know where, but just someplace other than here.   Someplace where the sun is shining and people are laughing and everything is a. o. k.

And when I have those thoughts I immediately feel ashamed, because I am not a person who doesn't have a lot to be grateful for.  I have relatively good health, and I have a husband who loves me . . . a roof over my head which keeps me dry and warm . . .  clothes upon my back and food to keep my belly warm . . .  good friends, the Gospel in my life.  At least one child who I know cares about me in a special way . . .  and possibly two others.  It is the two that don't that get me down . . .  and that is at the root of the matter really.

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If I look at the timing of feeling this way, I notice that it most often happens around special days and holidays and tomorrow is Mother's Day . . . well, here in the UK at least, and I know that to two of the five bairns I gave birth to I am a non-entity, and that makes me feel incredibly sad to the core.  It makes me doubt myself and who I am.   It makes me feel like I must have been the worst mother ever, even though I know I was not.   That feeling of loss is compounded and made worse with the knowledge that how I feel and my story is not in the least bit important to them.  I.   Just.   Don't.  Count.

That is how I felt for most of my life until I found the Gospel.  Like I just didn't count and that my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my thoughts . . . just did not matter.  Now I know different and I shouldn't be feeling this way . . . but I do . . . and it makes me a bit angry with myself, because it is not something I can change.  You cannot make people love you or care for you, or care about you.  You cannot make people like you.   You cannot make people acknowledge you, or your feelings, or anything else.   It is up to them . . . and whenever you allow those negative thoughts into your life . . . you are letting the other side win.

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And I get angry with myself for allowing other people to have this power over me and my feelings.    And when I let that toe hold of negativity grab me, it starts to bleed into other areas . . . and I begin to doubt my talents, and who I am . . .  and I feel very discouraged.    And I am not looking for pats on the back, or for people to say "there . . . there."  I am not really looking for anything.  I am just venting . . . giving a voice to my feelings in the hopes that once I have put them out there they will go away.

Another thing which is making me feel sad is my mother is forgetting me.  I do not talk to her every day now that my sister is living with her, only about twice a week . . . but when I do, I have to remind her often who she is talking to.   She will be telling me a story about me and I have to say  . . .  mom, this is me.   That is me you are talking about.  And then about 2 minutes later it happens all over again . . . and I am taken back to a year ago when I sat on the sofa at her house while she sat in her rocking chair, slack mouthed and sleeping . . . and I felt like she was disappearing in front of my eyes and I was losing her . . .  and there was nothing I could do about it.   In truth this is probably what is bothering me more than anything.  I feel helpless against it.

Intellectually . . . I know I am not a bad person.  I am good and I am kind.    I would give anyone anything I had if they needed it more than I did . . .  and more often than not, just because they asked for it, or even if they didn't just because I wanted to give something to them.  I am loving.  I am forgiving.  I care about others often more than I care about myself. 

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But I am human.  And sometimes I just feel like bleeding all over the page.  And it's not pretty.  And it doesn't make you smile or feel good inside either.  And I am sorry for that, because I really don't want to make anyone feel sad or for anyone to feel sorry for me.  This is not meant as a pity grab.

Don't worry . . . I'll feel better soon.   I always do.  This is just a minor blip in this great adventure we call life.  I just wanted to share it with you because I don't want any of my readers to think I lead a charmed and perfect life . . .  or that I am always happy and that nothing ever bothers me.  I get down from time to time.  This is called keeping it real.  It's called being human.  I hope you'll forgive me.

But that's a silly question.  Of course you will.  I have the best friends in the world.

Now THAT makes me smile. 

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Easter Basket Sugar Cookies in The English Kitchen today.


12 comments:

Cathyjo said...


Ah my dear...I to have the same feelings time to time...more dff then not. Yes your just Human..just like the rest of us...But we keep trying to be better...and maybe ...hopefuly...on the other side..we will get there. Love you because you are Human...and you are You..A wonderful sweet person and a Dear Friend. ((HUGS))xxx

Marie Rayner said...

Thanks Cathy Jo, I know I am not alone in feeling down from time to time. ((((hugs)))))

Suze said...

I am so sorry that today is difficult for you. I do understand or at least I think I do. Depression follows me. I fight it very often.

As for children I do see mine but they can be sadly indifferent to me. Once I took two or the three on a cruise. It started on mothers' day and neither acknowledged it. I thought they were the most selfish and insensitive beings on the planet for a long while.

We cannot stop our feelings but you are quite right to not indulge and get on with it.

To my father I am now his father. Quite odd but dementia is difficult for all involved.

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

I agree with Cathy Jo, you are only human, we all have times like that. I've learned to count my blessings and keep my focus on the bright side. Life is to short for anything else. Hugs to you today!

La Table De Nana said...


I love how you feel comfortable to share your thoughts..and I ahve witnessed you always rising above every situation.
Life seems different today..with certain children..certain childen(adults really) can be very selfish..
Don't let it be a reflection on you..It's not given to everyone to be selfless:)
kids are so busy today with so many outside and inside interests.
I am sure they LOVE you..how could they not:)

Sad about your mom...

It must be very difficult..

You have feelings and that's why some days are not as up as others..
Everyone..has them.
You will feel completely different soon:)

Julie Mann said...

I am sorry to hear about your children It must be very hard. My brother treated my parents so badly and yet they loved and cared for him always.sometimes it is not about the parent but about the child...it's the child that has the issues. Sending you my love anyway xx

kate hazlehurst said...

Oh Marie, families can be the cruelest and kindest of things. They can bring so much happiness and sadness in equal measure. But as you say, we are all human, and every now and again you have every right to let the sadness into your life. After all if you didn't how would you appreciate the happy times. The trick is trying not to dwell on it for too long. I'm sure the sunshine will soon be back in your life. Thinking of you. Much love xxx

Janice from the Holler said...

I came across your blog just now and wish I could now have a cup of tea with you! Instead, I shall give thanks to our Father who knows all the upswings and downswings of the parent-child relationship. He was the perfect Parent and Adam and Eve rebelled against Him. I am touched by everything I have read so far! Stay REAL. Too many are masked.

Blessings
Jan

StitchinByTheLake said...

Marie all the good things in your life are being overshadowed by the two not-so-good things. We women have three things that are critical to us...our mothers, our husbands and our children. Two of your three are compromised. When my mother was ill and I knew I was going to lose her I felt desolate. As long as I had her I knew there was a safety zone for me. And then there are our children. From the moment of conception they are in control of our emotions. They can cause us great pain and great joy, sometimes at the same time. When they don't make good choices we feel guilty, as if we could somehow control what they do even when they are adults. I wish I could tell you how to change the way you feel but when it hits me I can't change it either. I've found that all I can do is ride it out until every so slowly I begin to listen to our Father again....hearing Him tell me I am loved. I will pray that you begin the listening part of this journey soon. I think you already have. Until the next time. :) blessings, marlene

LeAnn said...

Oh dear friend; i can relate to this this one. Although my children are good children and I know that they love me. At times I feel sad because I don't hear from them very often. Especially my boys are bad at calling. Now days they only want to communicate with messages, emails and texts. I know you have already read my thoughts on that. I just feel sad that we don't live closer and that times were a bit more simpler.
I don't know how it feels to have children not like what you are doing and I know that must hurt a lot. I still believe you will be greatly blessed by your faith in our Savior. Your sweet children will come around.
Blessings, love and hugs to you. Thanks for you sweet comments on my blog. I consider you a very dear friend for ever and one day we might meet.
Blessings, love an hugs!

Sybil said...

Thanks for sharing your feelings Marie. I am sure it will help others to realise that we are not alone when we have such negative thoughts...and each and every one of us have a hidden story that we rarely speak about. I wonder if in just doing that..not talking about it whatever "it" might be that we actually let it keep festering cause when we do bring it up it all cmes out like a volcano....does that make any sense whatsoever !!!.....I think you know that I have only got one sister left now who is very self centred and can be difficult, then there is her daughter my niece who I am sorry to say I just cannot get close to...I woudl so very much have loved to have been part of her life and been part of brinnging up my great nephews and niece but it was not to be but I do feel very sad about that...then there was my other sister who died 3 years ago on Tueday and I miss her every single day we were like to halves of a heart. my dearest Goddaughter does at only 46 we were as close as could ever be..and then I thank God that there os Beth my other niece who although she knew that her sister was "my gorl" never let it worry her and now she is loving and caring. So why is it that my heart still aches for that closenes with the other niece and family....Aye dear Marie we are sure queer beings aint we...
I am wondering even if I will post this...it is a bit personal and I never write personal things where it can be seen and possibly misinterpreted..,,I am so sorry for your blue feeling I hope that today Sunday you have woken in a better frame of mind...God Bless. Thank goodnes we know his love is unending xx

Marie said...

This resonates very much with me as I face a similar estrangement from one of my children and I feel it keenly, even though I never talk about it.

You are so right in that it can be such a thorn in your side - it worms its way deep inside and whispers negative things into your subconscious. And suddenly all of the positive, good things you've done in your life are reduced to nothing by this insidious white-anting of your self esteem and confidence.

I fully empathise and wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better for you. I admire you being able to write about and share your feelings. That takes courage - something I lack.

I hadn't realised that it was Mother's Day in the UK today. It was always in May in Australia and it's the same here (I think in Sweden it's more because there generally aren't any flowers about until May). These kind of days make the estrangement from family extra hard. :(

On a lighter note - Miss Sophie has a message from Mitzie, who is a little miffed that she was left off your list of blessings in life. However, she's willing to overlook that and is available for an afternoon snuggle and a slice of cake.

I hope you have a lovely day.