Saturday, 6 June 2015

Sometimes you get the blues . . . keeping it real



 photo Feeling-blue-icy-heart-652x400_zpszasfueg6.jpg

I confess . . .  I have been feeling a bit blue lately and it's somewhat inexplicable.   I can't really pin point a reason for it.  I think everyone feels a bit blue from time to time.  Normally I can just shake it off, but this time  . . .  its been a little bit harder.

I guess I just feel a bit bruised sometimes.  Maybe everyone does.


 photo hqdefault_zpskidhekxk.jpg

A couple of days ago one of my sons posted on facebook did anyone in the family have any pictures  or negatives that he could have . . .  because of parents divorces, etc.  he only has a couple and he would like to have some more.  I immediately beat myself with the guilty stick.  He is from my first marriage, which didn't really last very long at all . . . my second one lasted 22 years . . . and when that one broke up I was handed a torn envelope with a bunch of old negatives inside, some stuck together,  some mildewed, most of them useless . . . not much to show for 22 years of your life, but all I was allowed to take with me when it ended.

I have shared any photos I have with my son . . . most of them I have stolen from various spots, or kind people in my family have chosen to share with me.   But that started me into feeling sad . . .  when I read that post from my son.    His wife has lots of photographs of her childhood . . . and her parents were divorced too.  But obviously not all divorces are equal.  It made me feel sad that I had nothing much to share with him.  It made me feel like I had let him down  . . . not once, but twice.


 photo 17885338_zpskwirdzgc.jpg

This morning when I got up . . .  I said my prayers and then I turned the computer on, checked some e-mails, then I checked facebook.   My kids are notoriously bad at communicating . . . so that is usually where I find out what's happening in their lives.  The first thing that slapped me in the face was that my baby boy is now engaged to be married.    Happy for them, but sad that it was something I had to find out on facebook.

Which is kind of a statement about my life I guess.  And it makes me feel even bluer.  I will be 60 in August.    I have lived most of my life on the fringes of my family.  I never felt like I fit when I was a child.   I never felt I fit for most of my adult life.   I was always surrounded by family . . .  but lonely in a crowd.  I just always felt a bit sad and like I didn't belong.  I am not saying that so anyone will feel sorry for me, simply stating a fact.

I have found my happy place and my home now . . . but sometimes I just wonder why I had to pay such a hefty price to find it.  And that makes me feel blue . . .  bruised . . .  a bit bereft.


 photo blue20sky20sailboat_zps2qw9ty2f.jpg

No mom should have to find out these types of things on Facebook.   When my youngest daughter was engaged to be married . . . I was only told by her a few months before the wedding, even though the last time I had seen her, they were already talking marriage.  When my oldest daughter got married, I got an e-mail from her saying she didn't want me to spoil her wedding day.  I knew she hadn't written it by herself,  but I decided not to go, because I felt that in going, it would actually ruin the day because of other people's  attitudes towards me being there.    I did eventually let myself get talked into going, and it was great,  but then . . .  the last time I was home I was looking through her wedding album and there are no photos of me in it.  Literally none.  I was there . . .  at the wedding . . .  but for all intents and purposes it looked like her parents were my ex and his wife.  C'est la vie.

When my youngest daughter was expecting her second child . . .  I only found out a couple of months before he was born, and then it was only because her older brother found out she was pregnant and told her she needed to tell me before I found out on facebook.     Found out the end of March . . .  the baby was born in June.  Then when the baby was born, I was so excited that I shared the news . . .  a bit vaguely in a private facebook group . . .  saying . . . "This grandmother is just gagging to share some news but waiting for permission to do so, lets just say blue blanket."  I was forgetting of course that the stepmom belonged to the same group, and she very kindly took it upon herself to share what I had said with my kids.  I got a nasty message back from one of them saying I was lucky that anyone had even told me my daughter had had the baby . . .

Why??


 photo images_zpstg55sue3.jpg

Every occasion which should be a happy occasion concerning my family is always tinged with shades of  blue.

And you know . . . sometimes that makes my having done the right thing feel like I did the wrong thing.  I sit in church on Sundays surrounded by families . . .  parents with their children, grandparents surrounded by their children and grandchildren . . . and I feel the loss keenly.  Why did my choice to worship my Heavenly Father the way I wanted to, and the way I needed to . . . cost me so much?  I can never sing the hymn "Families Can Be Together Forever" hymn without tearing up.   It just breaks my heart each time.  And I know it is wrong to put limitations on the power of God in that way . . .  and I know that I don't know the end of the story . . .  and I DO have faith that one day it will all be different . . .  and all things will be put right  . . ..  but in the meantime . . .  sometimes it just makes me feel sad.

Because it isn't supposed to be that way.    I guess sometimes life just sucks.

Excuse me while I go bury my face in a chocolate cake or something. 

Don't worry, tomorrow will be a much better day



26 comments:

Suze said...

Marie my heart hurts for you. It truly does. I have lost much in my divorce. My ex chooses to announce to the world via facebook too. My daughters' have been devastated to find out their uncle died in such a way and this is one example. I can only begin to imagine the hurt as I have watched my girls mourn etc.

I don't know why. I wish I did. Some have the ability to build strong families and not all are so blessed. There are times when you are tied. No matter how carefully you step and prepare it goes wrong.

However you do have Todd and I am sure he is there for you as much as he is able. I love you and God loves you and I pray that today yoe feel the blessing of God's precious love.

Sybil said...

surrounding you with a specailly big HUG this morning xx I say this with a few tear running down my cheeks...It is not right when you are made to feel like that you are "alone" in a family environment but I think that is is much more common that people admit, there are so many broken families around and it is especailly hard when the seperation has not been easy...I, like you am sure, wish and pray that if there has to be a divorce that any children are not so affected by it and that their parent can remain friends if only for the children...
Go treat yourself ro a big piece of cake...but remember the results LOL !!!!
I do so love you my dear friend never forget that xxx

Marie Rayner said...

Thanks Suzan and Sybil. I appreciate both your love and your friendship. Sometimes it just helps to be able to give voice to your feelings. I am much better off than Todd is. He has had three sons, and all have died. The third one just recently. At least mine are still with us. I remind myself that it could always always be much worse. xoxo

Julie Mann said...

The ones we love most have the most power to hurt us. I am sending you a hug x

Marie Rayner said...

You are right about that Julie. Thanks for the hug. xoxo

cindy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Marie Rayner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dee said...

Oh Marie I am so sorry for the blues. I,too, am in much he same situation but we only have the one child. I would like to tell you about it but would rather not air my troubles here. Just know that I care and I understand.

Marie Rayner said...

No worries Dee. I didn't post this today to make anyone feel bad or to solicit pity from people. I just think that its important sometimes to let people know that I don't live a candyland type of life in a cloud perfect place. I have good days and bad days like everyone else. Sometimes life sucks . . . but mostly it is very good. I am grateful for the Gospel in my life and how it gets me through the dips and lows. All the same, thanks very much for your support and love. I do appreciate it. xoxo

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

Divorce is a hard thing to go through but now you have a wonderful person to share your life with. Try to let it all go and be happy you have come to a place in your life you can be happy. We can't go back and make things better we can only do our best with what we have today.

Marie Rayner said...

You are right Pam, and I am truly grateful for Todd in my life. I am busy making the rest of my life the best that it can be. I do feel sad sometimes, like anyone does. I think it's important to let people know that I have rough patches sometimes but the gospel helps to get me through them. xoxo

La Table De Nana said...

So hard..


I go on FB with my daughters..I don't want an account..they let me see and peek.
I just don't want to be part of an online personal site.
So many get hurt..old boyfreinds old girlfriends ex wives..

and I know through you ..families..

I am so sorry you have to live with this pain..it's like always in your face:(

Children..come on..if you are reading this..you will only ever have one mom..
don't wait until it's too late to be kind.
She gave you life..she cared for you.
I lost my mom at 19 and would give almost anything for just one day.
Be kind to your mother.
Imagine your children treating you like this later in life..
or watch out..earlier..because often what comes around goes around..
BTW..I have very few pictures..momentos..of my childhood..
and could not make memories after the age of 19.
Look at all the precious time you are wasting for yourselves..and your children.
Come on..

Linda Metcalf said...

There comes a day that you just have to let it go....for your own sanity. And hope someday the kiddos will actually become adults about it all. That's all that is within your power. Onwards and upwards....I've been there and I know.

Marie Rayner said...

Thanks Monique and Linda. I know you are right. I always think I got a handle on it and then . . . something happens and it's back to square one again. I got so used to stuffing down my feeling for so many years, that now when I share them, I feel guilty, but you know what. Sometimes it's okay to say, hey . . . you really hurt my feelings. I think I deserve a little bit more than that. Thanks for your support. xoxo

La Table De Nana said...

You deserve so much more than that.
I have been thinking about this ..

How many kids are mistreated..and still love their parents?
I know people who had very distant parents..who never took care of them really..and yet the children seek to be loved by them..
Oh Marie..I wish they would just see...what they have.

Marie Rayner said...

Thanks Monique. xx

LauraC said...

I can understand not agreeing with someone's religion, but not respecting the person and their choices is just wrong. Okay, they think you are wrong (or worse) in your choice of beliefs, that should have nothing to do with their respect for you as their mother. I was divorced from my oldest son's father in a VERY nasty divorce. I kept quiet about many things and although I experienced many hurtful things I am blessed to have a great relationship with my son (37 next month, and marrying in October). I don't see him much because he lives on the other side of the country. He and I certainly do not agree on religion (I am Protestant, he is an atheist), but we have a few friendly discussions and mostly do not go there. I know that I am very lucky to have a relationship with him considering the poison I know that he heard. I just kept going and did not spew poison back when he was around. I assume that is true about you too. If I had 5 children with my ex, some of them may have swallowed his lines too. Who knows? I will see my ex for the first time in 19 years at my son's wedding. Looking forward to the wedding, perhaps not all the guests. ;)

Valerie H. said...

Oh Marie! My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for those hurts you're feeling right now and the ones buried deep that don't ever quite go away all together from years ago. Sometimes we try our hardest to do what is right but we still find ourselves being slammed up against a wall. Then we can feel a bit weary just for awhile until our inner strength is regained once again. I know you understand what I'm saying. I would like to call you sometime this week. When is good for you (day and time). If it's a bad week to call, please let me know that too. ;-) Keep your chin up my dear friend. Much love! xoxo

April said...

Oh Marie, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine. I'm sorry you hurt, I wish I could help. You are so loved, and one of my most treasured friends. And don't worry, sometimes you just can't be bright and smiley and have to show how you're feeling, and that's absolutely okay. I hope the sun comes out soon. :)
*hug*

Marie Rayner said...

Hi Laura, I can't really say what the problem is because it isn't something any of us have actually spoken about. I guess when you are only home every couple of years and only have a limited time to see people you try not to taint it with "Those" conversations. Admittedly they are conversations that need to be had. It's hard to communicate when you are thousands of miles apart, and only one of you is making the effort. I can't say I blame my ex for this really but there is a step mom who has had a bit too much to say about everything and far too much influence. xoxo

Thanks Valerie! I should be good from Wednesday on! Looking forward to speaking! Daytime is best for me as I turn into a pumpkin early in the evening. Probably because I get up so early in the morning! Love you! xoxo

Thanks April. I am very grateful for my friends and their support. I think it's important to show people that being a Mormon doesn't mean you are protected from the sorrows of life with some sort of magic cloaking device called the Gospel. But that you can cope with life a bit better when you have it in your life . . . and chocolate cake helps too! lol xoxo

Valerie H. said...

How does Thursday look for you? Do you want me to call early morning? Right before I go to bed? Or is that TOO early? xoxo

Marie Rayner said...

That sounds like a plan, say after 6 am my time? Looking forward to it! xoxo

Valerie H. said...

Thursday after 6:00 AM your time. Talk to you then! xoxo

Marie Rayner said...

Yayy!! xx

LeAnn said...

Oh my sweet friend; I feel sad that you have had these experiences. I do know that someday it will all be made right.
With that being said; face book has been a struggle in our family. I too find out things on face book first before some of my children actually tell me.
Also, they had terrible face book wars right on this public social site. It was awful. It almost tore our family apart. It is a long story; but at least know the biggest offender doesn't come on as often and things have calmed down among the family members.
Anyway, I know that you will on be blue for a short moment and it is OK to grieve over these things.
Sending lots of love, hugs and blessings your way. Love you much, dear friend and hope we get to meet someday.

Marie Rayner said...

I guess we expect more from our families LeAnn and then it's really disappointing when they let us down. Tears are a great balm. What is that scripture, Weeping remains for the night, but joy commeth with the morning? Love, hugs and blessings. xoxo