ZZZzzz . . .

 

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Sometimes I sit down here at my little laptop and I have no idea what to write about.  My life is about as exciting as watching paint dry or clothes flapping in the wind on a clothesline. I am just a simple ordinary person.

I suppose when I first started writing on here I had a pretty exciting life.  I lived in a pretty little/not so little cottage situated on the corner of a Manor Estate in the UK.  I worked as a personal Chef for a wealthy American family. Life was anything but simple.

It was an incredibly beautiful and very interesting environment. I got more done in a day back then than I get done in a week now.  I look back at those times and I wonder how I did it all.  I was working full time, writing full time, honoring church callings, making dolls, painting, etc.

I took long walks each day around the Estate and along the foot path that went past the front of our cottage.  I had beautiful gardens to investigate that were always surprising me each day with something new. 

People came to read my page I guess because it was different and . . .  maybe . . . to them . . . the stuff that dreams were made of.

 

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And then it all changed in an instant. My employers split up and I lost my job.  Our beloved Jess died and life was in turmoil. We moved back to Chester and I started a new chapter in my life, living in a little townhouse on the edge of a beautiful city.  We had an extensive garden, and we planted fruit trees, and fruit bushes, roses, vegetables.  We got our sweet little Mitzie dog, and I had even more time to paint and to make dolls, to crochet and to cook.  

We served a two year mission for our church.  I had Missionaries coming in and out of my house all the time. People visiting me from the four corners of the world.  I helped my husband battle cancer.  I wrote a huge book. I suppose my life was also pretty exciting then as well.

And the Pandemic hit and my world got much narrower.

And then in the middle of that I learned that my whole existence had been built upon a huge lie, a colossal betrayal. That for 20 years everything in my life had been built around someone else's fantasy . . .  a house of cards that was falling down. 

And my life changed completely again. 

 

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I had to leave everything I had worked for over the twenty years I had lived in the UK, the life I had built for myself and travel back . . .  halfway around the world to Canada.  Tail between my legs, having failed once again, or at least I felt like I had failed.  I was pretty broken.  Thankfully I had lots of help in making that journey. I was born upon the wings of angels and faith . . .  and family.

I was able to eventually to move into my little house, furnish it, get a car, my two beautiful cats and begin building a new life for myself.  But it is a very pedestrian life.  Boring.  Not a lot exciting happens these days and that suits me fine. I have had enough excitement in my lifetime to last several lifetimes. 

We are still living in the Pandemic and I don't really go very many places. My life is very narrow.  I have my family, my home, my church, my cats. 

 

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To be honest most of my days revolve around work.  I start working almost as soon as I get up in the morning and am often not finished until mid afternoon. The fact that I work from my home is neither here nor there. I am grateful for the fact that I have the work at all.  This is an extra special blessing for me and it is doing something that I love which makes it even more special.  I would not be able to survive without it. And that's the truth. What I get in pensions wouldn't even cover my rent.

I am not even sure that I am really all that good at what I do. Well, the photo taking of what I cook anyways. Sometimes I get it right though and those are really good days. Most of the days my food photos are just "meh." I battle with light and location and time of day.  I don't have all the pretty dishes etc. that I used to have to use for props, or linens.  The gardens with the fresh fruit and vegetables.  The perfect light to bathe everything perfectly for photographing.

I have a brand new camera that my brother set up for me when he was here, but I should have gotten him to show me how to download the photos from, because I don't know how to do that, so it sits in its case in the closet.

My days are very routine. I get up. Work. Relax for a bit and then go to bed.  Somedays I do a few things out of the routine. I will go to my sister's or to my dads, for a medical appointment, etc.  But basically my days are very same, same  . . . my life is very narrow still. But we are all sort of living in a pandemic environment here. I am not ready to throw caution to the wind just yet and take chances I can't afford to take.

I would like more time for play, but my reality is that I need to work, to keep myself going, to build up a reserve so that . . .  should I get sick . . . I have something to keep me going. 

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I actually live in fear every day that I will lose the ability to support myself, or that I will get sick and not be able to support myself . . .  and then what will I do? Although I am very good at stuffing that fear down most of the time, it still rears its ugly head from time to time and nips at my heels.

I am a person who put all my eggs in other people's baskets, not once, not twice, but three times . . .  only to fail and to have to walk away each time with nothing.  I have abysmally poor taste in men. What can I say.

I was brought up to think that I needed a man to take care of me. Right or wrong, that is the way it was.  Neither my sister nor I were brought up to have faith in ourselves or in our own abilities. Nor were we encouraged or even supported in any way to get an education or pursue careers. All of our parents eggs were in our brother's basket, which comes with a whole 'nother lot of baggage . . .  that he must carry.

And I don't blame my parents for any of it. They did their best. I love them very much. They did what they thought was right. Nobody can fault anyone for that.

 

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I have spent my whole life caring for other people.  As a girl, I had the responsibility of my younger siblings and our home, while both my parents worked. I got married right out of school and had a child within 10 months of doing so.  That marriage failed and I got married again and had four more children.  I was married to a Military man and we moved frequently. There was no time for careers even if I could have had one. I was too busy bringing up a large family and supporting him in his career. He did very well, retiring as a CWO.  

I spent 22 years lugging my family and my home across Canada and back again amidst some very difficult times and circumstances, like a turtle carrying its shell on its back.  Supporting my husband and his career. I cleaned other people's houses almost all of that time, child minded other people's children, did typing from my home, did whatever I could to bring in extra income.  I also worked outside the home for a few years. And I raised a family of good people, most of the time on my own as my husband was always away.  Away more often than he was home. But that is the life of the wife of a successful military man.

When that marriage failed, I started over again.  I moved to the UK, got married again and to a much older man.  I went back to school and earned not one, but two diplomas, all while working full time as a cleaner in a care home and as a clerk in a gas station.  I took care of my husband and our home and I worked very hard most of the time I was there, with the exception of the years after I lost my job. 

And now here I am, thrice a failure at love I guess.  But now I care for myself and my cats and my home. These are my only responsibilities. 

And I am tired. I would love to be able to just do nothing but please myself, to play the day away, but I need to work, and I work hard. I am not complaining. I made poor choices in life and this is the consequences of having done so.

 

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But my life is boring now. I don't do much that is exciting at all.  It is hard to write about exciting things when nothing like that is happening.  And I am sorry for that.

But let me tell you what this blog has meant for me over these past I don't know how many years. (fifteen I think)  When I was living in a country where I really didn't have a lot of friends nor time to make friends, you, my readers  . . .  were my friends. You supported and listened to me while I went through all of my ups and downs.  You read all the boring stuff and all the exciting stuff and were there for me. You cried with me and for me . . . . and laughed with and for me as well. You have rejoiced in my highs, prayed with me in my lows, and just been there through it all and I am so grateful for that.  And I am sorry if my life has become boring and if I don't really have much in the way of adventure, etc. to share these days.  But I want you to know that I am grateful for you. Each of you.

To be honest I am a bit afraid of what comes next, but that's okay. Its healthy to be a bit afraid of uncertain futures. To not take it all for granted.  Life is going a bit too smoothly at the present and I am feeling a bit like an axe is going to fall on me or at the very least an anvil.  Will I be like the Wile-e-coyote and get up again, scratch my head and move forward???

I sure hope so.

 

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But in the meantime I guess I have become  boring.  And I hope you are okay with that.  If not, I don't know what to say.

It was a few years ago that someone left a really mean comment here on my page . . .  that I was going to die all alone, unloved and lonely.  I sure hope not, but who knows.  At least if that happens I can die knowing that I was a person who never purposely tried to do harm to others.

If you can live your life, striving to be your best, no matter the circumstances, to live your best, no matter the circumstances, boring or not . . . what's to complain.

I have a hundred books in me waiting to be written.  Too many projects waiting to be created than I can ever hope to have time for.  And if I get a bit boring and humdrum along the way, well  . . .  I am sorry for that.  Sometimes boring is the best that I can do.

A thought to carry with you . . . 

° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •

•。★★ 。* 。

° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚

˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛

˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★

*Don't change so people will like you.

Be yourself and the right people

will love the real you. •。★★ 。* 。

In The English Kitchen today  . . . Milk and Honey Bread. This is an excellent loaf.

I hope you have a beautiful day. I think a wasp has gotten into my hummingbird feeder and died so I will have to clean it out. At least it can't hurt me. I think I will flush it down the toilet.  Anyways, have a great day whatever you get up to, and don't forget! 

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And I do too!