Wednesday 1 October 2008

Learning to Forgive Yourself . . .



“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect he becomes an adolescent. The day he forgives them he becomes an adult. The day he forgives himself he becomes wise.”
~ unknown


I came across this quote the other day and I immediately thought to myself, Wow! This is really thought provoking. I have struggled with self forgiveness most of my adult life. The intellectual part of me knows that there is nothing I can do about the past but the heart part of me still wants to kick myself for whatever misdeeds I feel I have done.

I think most of us are like that, to a degree. I can forgive others of pretty much everything they have done to me in life, (forgetting is a little bit harder, but then again, that’s a whole nother subject) but when it comes to forgiving myself, I am a much harsher judge on me than anyone else could ever be, and, as far as forgetting goes, well . . . I’m afraid that those things that we’d like to be able to forget, they seem to stick with you in your mind forever.



The saddest part of not being able to forgive one’s self is, that it gets in the way of our being able to live the best life possible. We can either be miserable for the rest of our lives and wallow in that misery, or we can give ourselves permission to heal, and I’m afraid it’s an on-going process and won’t happen overnight, or at least it hasn’t for me.

Forgiveness is something we have to decide to do for ourselves. Nobody else can make that decision for us. When we don’t forgive, it’s like we are cloaking our eyes in a mask which distorts everything that we see, and wants everyone else around us to look through that same mask. Forgiveness is taking off the mask. Not forgiving, is like carrying an anchor around our necks and trying to walk through life wearing it, allowing it to drag us down. Forgiveness is like taking the anchor off, and leaving it behind, striding forward in confidence and walking away from it, lightening up and being able to enjoy your life again. It has nothing to do with worthiness, yours or anyone else’s. When it comes right down to it, we are all worthy.



We must choose to love ourselves, and I don’t mean that in the self centred, selfish “I am the be all and end all” type of way. I mean just quietly and simply, accepting ourselves for who and what we are, and allowing others to do the same. If we can’t love ourselves, how ever can anyone else love us? If we can’t love ourselves, how can we heal? Guilt is something we use to cover up everything negative and bad. When we feel overly guilty, we commit the ultimate betrayal of abandoning ourselves. Yes, we should be sorry for the things we have done, but we should also learn to let it go once we have acknowledged our sorrow, or we will never be able to heal ourselves.

Part of being able to forgive yourself, is understanding that we don’t have to be punished, and giving ourselves permission to let go of the pain that our misdeeds have caused us. We need to be more realistic about ourselves, and the expectations we hold for ourselves. Why should we be harder on ourselves than we are on others? Ask yourself if you would be able to forgive someone else had they done the same thing, and then . . . Forgive yourself. Let it go . . . We cannot change the past, it’s dead and gone. We can only change the future, and we do that by learning from our mistakes, and by taking what good we can from the past and moving forward in faith . . . leaving the things we know we cannot change behind.



Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean that you should forget what you did or said that might have injured another or caused yourself distress. To forgive yourself doesn't mean you aren't responsible for what you did or said. To forgive yourself simply means you realize that you might have done something differently if you had known how. Forgiving yourself means you recognize that you didn't know how to do something differently, and to realize and accept that you have learned by your mistake. As someone once said, experience is what we get right after we need it. When we know better, we do better . . .

It's fig season! I love figs and I was able to get some lovely punnets of them at the shops yesterday for a very reasonable price! I could eat figs every day . . . in tarts, in cakes, in pies, but here's another delicious way to enjoy them that is quick, fairly easy and really quite wonderful as well!



*Fresh Fig Salad with Feta Cheese and Toasted Walnuts*
Serves 2

You can easily multiply this salad to serve more people. It’s fruity and refreshing and wonderful change from ordinary green salads. It’s very quick to put together and you can have it done in not time at all. With a bit of crusty bread and butter on the side it makes a nice light lunch!

4 fresh black figs, medium to large
2 ounces of feta cheese
2 ounces of walnut halves, toasted* and roughly chopped
DRESSING:
2 TBS Walnut Oil
1 tsp white balsamic vinegar
½ tsp Dijon mustard
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

Put the vinegar, oil, mustard and a good pinch of salt and pepper into a small bowl and whisk it together well. Set aside until you have the rest of the salad ready.

Wipe the figs gently with some damp paper towelling. Trim the stem end and cut them into quarters. Arrange them on individual plates in an attractive way. Crumble one ounce of feta cheese over each and scatter the walnuts over top.

Give the dressing another quick whisk and then drizzle it evenly over each salad. Serve immediately.

*To toast the walnuts heat a heavy frying pan over high heat and then toss the walnuts into the pan and toast for 2 to 3 minutes, stirring frequently. Remove and set aside to cool.

17 comments:

  1. Can you believe that the first time I ate a fig I thought it was awful? Plus it was a fresh fig from a market in Mallorca! I was only 9 years old though and when I tried them again as an adult I fell in love with them!

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  2. I can truly forgive myself when I can say that if I could do that certain thing over, I would do it differently. It seems simple and it works. Fresh figs! I haven't had a one this year- poor poor me! ;)

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  3. Hi, Marie! A wonderful, thoughtful post...and very wise :o) It is somehow easier to forgive others before we can begin to forgive ourselves. I think we must allow a little extra compassion for ourselve, then that forgiveness can start to happen...slowly. We have to be willing and open to forgive--others, ourselves--for after forgiveness a new door opens. :o) Figs...mmm...I love the idea of this fresh fig salad! Where I am living it's not easy to get fresh fig, dried sometimes but sadly, not fresh...so they are an extra treat when found. Pity we didnt' get to talk yesterday...maybe today?! Fingers & toes crossed--LOL! Happy Day, dear friend ((HUGS))

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  4. I had no idea what a fig looked like until just now.
    I've only seen them in newton form. ;)
    looks yummy!

    xo
    Di

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  5. Forgiveness can be so hard sometimes, but what a relief when it comes! Thanks for a great post, Marie. That salad looks heavenly. I like fresh figs, but have never tried them with feta before. Yum! Much love, Raquel XO

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  6. Dear Marie, how true in these words!! I will think in this when Marìa Esperanza is difficults, she have some days bad!! and is not only by the age she has a little depression and Im so sad by her and worry. She is with medicine now. But yesterday she cry and tell me she is bad in her studies, the problem is that never know if she really cry by this or other. Please pray by her,
    I continues praying by Erin.

    I love figs really loves, I may eat all of the picture!!! xGloria

    huggs!!!

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  7. As always you are able to take a topic and so wisely expand on it...loved the phrase 'anchor around your neck' because the emotions truly drag you down and have a strong hold on you IF you can't or won't forgive. God has gifted you with an overflowing cup of insightfulness as well as the ability to be able to write about your topics in a way that leave readers eager to read more! Our figs have been so tasty this year...we are enjoying our second harvest of them! I just told my husband this week we needed to get another fig tres as one is not enough!

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  8. Really behind with my commenting - sorry Marie just been in work all my life!
    I LOVE anything with figs and feta - that looks one delish plate of food Marie!

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  9. You've got another great recipe! I need advice on baking. My co-worker and sister are both having birthdays this week and I have no idea what to bake. The cakes are taken care of but I wanted to make a little extra something--I can't decide between Prudy's oatmeal and apple bars, oatmeal scotchies, snickerdoodles or rice krispie treats...help!

    (Ben's on a diet so I'm on a baking ration....and I'm going NUTS!)

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  10. Dear Marie,
    You have once again written a beautiful post full of insight and wisdom. Thank you. I agree with all that you say.

    I feel sad today.. I keep hoping that we will get good news....that God will change her mind..that it is not too late. I don't know if I am being foolish or faithful.

    I should get busy...work is a better cure than dwelling on things that make us sad. I have plenty to do.... in fact I am going to make your apple pie to take to our temple pot luck tomorrow. I will be thinking of you as I create your tasty dish.

    We have a fig tree and I will try this salad as soon as they rippen.

    have a good day, Love, Lura

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  11. I've only had dried figs. I'll have to try a fresh one next time I see some. Loved your comments about forgiveness!

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  12. Your post on "Learning To Forgive Yourself" is right on,
    I enjoyed very much.The salad looks heavenly yummy, and the pictures are superb.
    Blessings, Virginia

    The depth of your compassion lies in your ability to forgive yourself. -
    Mark Graham

    If you haven’t forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?
    Dolores Huerta

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  13. Beautiful post Marie. Forgiveness is something that is so easy to do, but hardly ever done.

    I wish I liked figs...this looks divine.

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  14. That's a wonderful quote and very true! I think forgiveness can be very difficult at times, and we are always hardest on ourselves. Thanks for another thoughtful post. ((((hugs))) Jenny

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  15. HI Marie
    what an exceptionally written post.
    I think everyone can relate to all of this. The old adage that we are harder on ourselves than others rings so true. I think there would be a lot less depression/sadness/anger etc if we could all just love ourselves and forgive us whatever we think we need to be forgiven for.
    Love the salad
    catie

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  16. forgiveness is something i struggle with sometimes. of myself and of others. i'll hold onto something way longer than i should. i need to just let things go more quickly, i know that. its one of my struggles in life!

    and i've never eaten a fig(is that crazy?) i've only eaten "fig newtons" :)

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  17. Dear Marie,

    Forgiveness: to be able to forgive is such a beautiful virtue where one's heart is compassionate. We all struggle with it.. I teach sunday school and I always tell my young chargers (aged 8 to 10 years) to never ever let the 'evil' one make them feel unworthy to be forgiven (or to forgive). The story of the Prodigal Son.. when the younger son decided to pick himself up and go back to his Father.. his act may have been abit calculated.. but along his journey, the graces, conversion and healing that came his way.. the same for all of us. So, everytime when we struggle, we need to remind ourselves..

    We don't have fresh figs here.. they would be very expensive like the other berry fruits.

    Cheers Marie,
    Angela KL

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