Wednesday, 4 September 2019

Wednesday This and That . . .

I wish that was what the sunrise looked like out there this morning.  Its very overcast and the sky is looking very dark. The wind is blowing. I don't think we are in for a very good day.  Its a good thing we got a lot of the garden jobs done yesterday.  We took down all of the runner beans. They were on their last legs. We didn't really get much of a harvest from any of the beans we planted this year. The bush beans were completely wasted by slugs and snails and even the runner beans were fighting them.  We had such a wet summer that it was a bit of a losing battle. 

Walking down to the end of the garden last evening it looks really bare without our fruit trees. I had always thought they were planted in a straight row, but when you look at the stumps in the ground, it was more like a v-shape where they were situated.  The stump for the apple tree is a good 8 or 9 inches across which is quite surprising to me as it certainly hadn't appeared to be that big around.  When they cut them down they found maybe six fruits all told between the three of them.  3 pears and 3 apples, no plums at all.   The soil in our garden is very poor, like clay, but the blackberries and tayberries, which have almalgamated into one do very well each year, as does the black currants and the strawberries.  Our Blueberries didn't do much at all this year.  Again, I think it was too wet. 

 And, indeed, as if on cue, it has just started raining again  . . .   

I was thinking the other day  . . .  I do that a lot.  It is the reality of someone who lives with their heads in the clouds  . . .  a dreamer  . . .  you spend a lot of time thinking.  Your mind never stops, which can be a bit of a problem come bed-time, but I digress  . . . 

The other day I was thinking  . . .  it must have been around this time of year, back in 1996 or so, we watched my mother's then boyfriend Rudy drop dead right in front of us.  The CNE was going on at that time in Toronto, and mom and Rudy had just been to visit it the day before, so roughly around this time of year.  We had gone down to visit with them (from our place in Meaford) where they were staying at Rudy's sister's place and my sister and her family had driven there also from where they were living in London, Ontario. It was a mini-family reunion of sorts.  We had just finished lunch at the KFC and were out in the parking lot getting ready to say our goodbyes and go back home.  The guys were standing by the boot of our car talking golf and we girls were standing by the boot of my sister's car talking girl talk.  I heard my BIL say, are you okay Rudy, and then I heard a sound like a melon hitting the ground . . . and that was that.  My ex husband was on the ground doing CPR, my sister and I were in the restaurant telling them to call an ambulance. My mom looked so small.  We spent hours waiting in the waiting room hospital to see what was up.  He had been dead when he hit the ground, sudden death heart attack.  

We brought my mother back to Meaford with us and she spent the rest of her stay in Ontario up there with us.  My ex took her down to Rudy's funeral a few days later, but it was a very sad time.

That was an incident that affected all of us very deeply.  My sister's children blamed it on the KFC, my ex could never eat KFC again, and I have had one foot in the grave ever since.  

What do I mean by that?  I mean I have thought about death at least once a day, just about every day, ever since. I have been plagued with the fear of dying in the parking lot of a KFC, of having a heart attack, of just being kaput ever since.  Maybe not outwardly so, but deep inside I have had this huge fear that I am dying.

Truth is we all are dying.  Every day that passes is one day less that we have left to enjoy.  


I hate that I dwell on it, either consciously or sub-consciously.  In my mind I am always writing my last letters to my kids, planning my funeral, etc.  I don't know how to stop it.  Oh, to be sure I do find joy in my days, and plenty of it, but there is this under-lying current of death running through them, and never moreso than this year.  There is an old saying in my family that if you make it past the age of 63 you got it made.  I did that, but all through my 63rd year I kept thinking  . . .  is it the beginning of  your 63rd year that counts or the end?  Now I'm 64, I thought that train of thought might stop . . .  I mean whew!  I passed 63 and made it to 64, but no . . . my Aunt Freda died when she was 64, what now?

I am not afraid to be dead.  I am fairly certain of what comes next.  I know that I will be reunited with my loved ones in Paradise.  What scares me is the journey from here to there . . .  the dying bit.  The total lack of control you have over that.  I am a person who has always embraced control.  I hate it when I have no control over things. It makes me almost panicked. Anxiety  . . .  I guess that is where faith has to take over . . .

Our Eileen is quite excited about coming over.  No dates yet, but hopefully we will know when soon.  Mid-October is the plan. We will see.  Octobers are usually fairly nice.  It will be cooler for sure, but we should have some nice sunny days, and we should enjoy our time together.  It will be so nice for me to see both my oldest children.  I am so grateful for Anthony's will to come over here with Eileen.  She could not travel alone, that is for sure.  And I am blessed with being able to see at least two of my children.  I'm sure Doug would have come also, had he the means and had it not been so soon after his own health crisis.   Eileen and I have been busy planning things we want to do when she is here. Cook together is one thing.  We want to have our own mini Thanksgiving dinner for the four of us, and Eileen wants to have a Tea party.  We will do that as well.  I told her we could have a craft day and maybe make some simple Christmas Ornaments together.  Todd is looking forward to introducing them to all of the sites.  Chester is a very historic city.  

Anthony was actually over here once before.  I had been here a year when we brought him and my youngest son over for a visit.  Bruce was only 13 and understandably his father wouldn't let him travel alone so we bought tickets for both of them to come.  We did all the Chester stuff that time, even the Ghost Tour, but I am sure he won't mind doing them again.  We went down to London on the train that time also, but I don't think we will be able to afford to that this time.  I remember when we did the last time, it cost the four of us more to go into the Tower of London than it had to go down and back on the train.  The prices for all of that have undoubtedly doubled by now.  I am not comfortable going to London as tourists these days either . . .  

Maybe we can have a day up in the Lakes.  We'll see.  A lot depends on if our car passes it's MOT this time or not.  Fingers crossed. If it doesn't, our wings will be severely clipped. 

The important thing is that we will be together and that's what counts!  I can give them both their copies of the Photos  I had printed of mom, which will save me posting them over.  Can you believe I haven't gotten mine framed yet??  I want just the right frame for it and haven't found it. 

I think about my mom a lot . . .  I have always thought about her a lot . . .  the only difference is now there is a thread of sadness that runs through my thoughts.   I dream about her a lot also, and those are nights I don't want to wake up. I want to stay in my dreams and with my mom. The dreams are a special gift to me  . . . 

We watched this documentary on the BBC the other night. "Untouchable, the rise and fall of Harvey Weinstein."   I believe it will air on Hulu this next week, not sure.  I was in shock afterwards.  I was afraid that I would end up dreaming about it that night, thankfully I didn't. I know people are innocent until proven guilty, and his trial doesn't start until January of this year, but  . . .  this is a horrible, horrible, horrible man.  A horrible, horrible, horrible man.  What's saddest is . . .  he is not the only man like this.  He got away with completely abhorrent behaviour, criminal behaviour . . .  for so long because he could, because he was powerful, because everybody turned a blind eye, because people felt powerless, women were powerless  . . . because of the power of money.  It gives the people who have it, and lots of it, unimaginable powers over other people . . .  and it strips power away from the people who don't have it.  

 I begin to truly comprehend 1 Timothy 6:10 where is says "For the love of money is the root of all evil."  This is just so, so, so true.  It truly has the power to corrupt and to subdue.  There is only one way to combat that  . . . 

Hard to do sometimes, especially when two great world powers are being run by a couple of muppets.  We won't go there  . . . its time to channel my inner Pollyanna and stick my head back in the sand . . .

A happy thought to carry with you  . . . 

° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~\。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ | 田田 |門 ★

Be so busy loving your life that
you have no time for 
doubt, worry, hate or fear. •。★★ 。* 。
° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 

Garlic Cheddar Chicken & Rice Bake  

In The English Kitchen today  . . .  Garlic, Cheddar & Chicken Rice Bake for two.  

The sun's out now, so all is not in vain!  Hope you have a sunny day today!  Don't forget . . . 

 ═══════════ ღೋƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒღೋ ═══════════ ⊰✿░G░O░D⊰✿⊰L░O░V░E░S⊰✿⊰░Y░O░U░⊰✿
═══════════ ღೋƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒღೋ ═══════════  

And I do too!    



  1. Hi Marie, I can certainly understand your fear after your experience with Rudy. In the back of my mind, I have a similar fear because my cousin dropped dead at the age of 71. She lived alone and a dear friend of hers got worried when she didn't show up for a lunch they had planned together. She alerted the police and that's how they found her. She had had breast cancer and she said she always knew it would be cancer that caused her death but that she hoped she would just drop dead instead. And she got her wish. I guess it's better for us to embrace every moment we have because we have very little control about what happens to us. On a brighter note you have Anthony and Eileen's visit to look forward to. Here's hoping your car will pass it's MOT. Things are very expensive in London. My friend, also a Marie, and her husband go to England every year. It's their one great extravagance and they plan very carefully for it. She came to Canada at the age of 19 to a job waiting for her with Bell. She never went back to live in England. Well, I think it's time to read the paper and make some coffee and greet the day properly. Glad the rain has stopped and you have sunshine, Marie. Hugs, Elaine.,

    1. I think we have to enjoy or at least try to enjoy every moment we are given Elaine. I am very much looking forward to the visit of my children and am already thinking of projects to keep my son busy while he is here. I don't want him to get bored! Love and hugs to you! xoxo

  2. Death is never a wonderful thing:(
    The part I hate is the suffering.
    Dropping dead sounds good to me.
    It's a shock for everyone around..a shock.. but if I could pick a way..that way.No suffering.
    Harvey Weinstein..ugh is right and watch The Loudest Voice..another dirty fellow..Sorry I have always called them pigs...but it may not be appropriate;)
    How about our sweet Bill Cosby?
    Not to mention so many clergymen and coaches and adults in positions of power with children.
    I don't get into US politics because I am a Canadian.
    I am sure you know how I feel.

    So happy for your visits:)

    1. I hear you Monique, it is like a pervading illness that has worked its dirty tendrils into every level of trust in our society. Has it ever been so? Are we only more aware of it today because we have the capacity for instant and world wide knowledge? I think it has always been there but people are not so afraid to talk about it now and that is a good thing! I, like you would not like to linger and suffer. I would wish to just . . . be here one minute and gone the next. But it is still a daunting thought to think about. Love and hugs. xoxo

  3. The sunshine does make a difference, so glad yours came out. It brightens our days and our minds too. As my husband died of a sudden heart attack like that I can relate to how suddenly life comes to an end. You post is the second one I've read this morning with someone talking about death. It is a part of life and we'll all go one day. Not much choice about it for sure. It
    s hard to believe it's that time of year when gardens are at an end. It was a fast summer. Sorry to hear you lost your fruit tress too, but then if they weren't doing well, it's probably for the best. Hope you have a sunny day with lots of good things coming your way!

    1. I started today off with a rainbow Pam. A beautiful way to start the day. Yes, from the moment we are born we are all on that same journey towards the hereafter. None of us will escape it. Love and hugs, xoxo

  4. My Mom used to calm me down as a child when I spoke of and feared death (I would cry hysterically). Her calming words at the time were ...we (she and I) would live forever. Well, she proved that all wrong when she passed weeks shy of her 96th birthday. But, our "forever" will be the hereafter some day with my Daddy and three brothers.

    I hope Anthony and Eileen have pre-purchased their airline tickets to save a bundle. I know you are ever so anxious for their arrival and can't wait to do all those magical things together, if nothing more than just sitting, cooking, touring, etc. I hope time slows for this special visit and time together.

    And, Marie, just who are you referring to as those couple of muppets? Can't believe what ours blurts out hourly, daily, without a thought or clue about what he just did! C'est la vie.

    Take care and God's Blessings.


    1. I look forward to the day when we can be reunitied with our lost love ones, but am not in a hurry to get there Mary! I just hope that when the time comes I will have dotted all my i's and crossed all my t's. Oh, those muppets get worse with each day that passes. Love and hugs, xoxo

  5. Years ago I did write a kind of last letter...but I would need to rewrite it now, the years do change some things. But it might help you to quit thinking about it too, Marie, if you did write it can always change it along as need is something I too think so often about. Well, we are aging and have already outlived a number of our loved ones, but also, no one at all has any promise of tomorrow. When my beloved 20 year old brother was so cruelly taken from us at the hands to a drunk driver, that hit home for my family...I think none of us have ever quit thinking of how quickly a life can be over. Makes me wonder, however, whatever is the thinking of these who are cruel, mean, and nasty?? Guess they must not believe in GOD either...seems it might be a good thing to do all the good we can so long as we can...and thank you so much for all you share obviously are a busy lady just keeping all these things up on your blog!!
    Elizabeh xoxo

    1. How very sad that you lost your brother at such a young age Elizabeth. ((((hugs)))) I can't imagine, and yet Todd has lost all three of his children, one at 18 months and the other two as adults. None of us really know when the reaper will call. I guess we best be prepared and if we make each day our best than we need never have regrets! Love and hugs to you. xoxo

    2. Definitely Todd has experienced the is so out of order to loose a child!! I have lost some in miscarriage...early on I consider that a loss but pale in comparison to those who have lost children they saw and held!! Poor Todd...he is fortunate to have you however!! Surely he considers himself blessed!! Sending you hugs too...xoxo

    3. I am all he has Elizabeth! Our faith has helped us a great deal. xoxo

  6. Understandable, but I'm so sorry that incident has so affected your peace of mind. When I was 9 or 10, I read a true story in Readers Digest (The Triumph of Janice Babson) of a little girl in Canada who died from leukemia. All that summer, I was convinced I, too, had leukemia. Now that I'm 69 y/o, more often than not, thoughts of death come uninvited in the wee hours. Little to do but say my prayers and try not to be such a control freak.

    1. I agree Mevely. I was a peculiar child. I remember once hearing my mother and a friend talk about someone swallowing their tongue and dying. I was afraid for ages that I might somehow swallow mine and can remember making sure that my tongue was securely clamped between my teeth when I went to bed at night! I know. I am wierd, lol. God bless. xoxo


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