Wednesday 18 October 2017

Wednesday mutterings . . .


lackadaisical
adjective (lak-uh-dey-zi-kuh l)

without interest, vigor, or determination.
listless
lethargic

Lately I have been feeling a bit lackadaisical. I can't seem to get myself interested in much of anything. I go up to my craft room, with ideas in my head, but then I sit down in my chair and *pouf* all gone, or at least any enthusiasm for what I was going to do is gone. This is so not like the normal me.  I am usually overflowing with enthusiasm, for everything.

I want to be doing, but when it comes right down to doing . . .  I can't be asked.


I feel like I have really hit the wall.  In the past I have had plenty of visible reasons on occasion to feel this way, but right now I don't.   My husband has been cleared of cancer (fingers crossed it doesn't return), I have a cookbook coming out soon, I will actually be a published author.  That both excites and scares  me.  I have all that I need and am lacking in nothing physically really.  I have a great man who loves me, and a loving dog. I have tons of faith and a God who loves me more than I can even begin to comprehend.  Why do I feel this way?


 

Most days I feel like I am just going through the motions. Its like I am carrying this intense sense of grief on my back. I feel invisible, but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward, because I don't want to stand still.  I am afraid that if I choose to stand still, and give in to it,  I will completely lose it. 

The truth is

I think about my children every day, almost every moment of every day. I try not to.  It is like picking a huge sore scab.  I think I have moved beyond the hurt feelings and despair about them, the sense of loss,  but . . . something will happen, or be said, or not said . . .  and I realise I have not.  Its all still there. The hurt and the sad feelings are still there, and I don't know how to get rid of them.  I'll just have to keep praying for some sort of release from all of this. Its all I know how to do.  Its all I can do. Prayer can move mountains. Prayer has moved mountains. 

I love them with all of my heart, but they make me
really sad, really, really sad,
and they also make
me feel incredibly
angry.
frustrated.
alone.

and every day that I feel that way I think that the person
who left that really nasty comment on my blog a number of years ago is right.
I am going to end up alone and unloved at the end of my life
by the very people who are supposed to love you
forever and forever, no matter what.
I can see it happening
I can




Sometimes it is really hard to understand why we feel the things that we do, or why other people choose to treat us the way that they do.  It is all out of our hands.  We cannot make other people do the right thing.  We cannot make people love us or care for us. But boy oh boy, that doesn't mean that their lack of doing the right thing doesn't make us feel really hurt. I think perhaps I am suffering from a broken heart.  But its not like suffering from a broken heart which has been broken by a husband, or a lover, or a boyfriend.  Husbands, or lovers, or boyfriends can be replaced.  Children can not. 


And yes I know I am blessed . . .  they are healthy.  They are alive.  They are happy.  My poor Todd has lost ALL of his children.  He has outlived every one of them, which he always reminds me of when I start to feeling low about this situation . . . so I can't really talk to him about how I feel. He just doesn't and can't understand. So I hope you will forgive me for unburdening my soul this morning.

This too will pass, it always does.  I am not looking for sympathy or attention.  I really am not.  Any anyone who says or thinks that I am . . .  is wrong. I am just trying to unburden some of what my soul is feeling. I will just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and believing that some how, some way, some day . . . He will make it all right. I will let my faith continue to carry me through the abyss I face more often than not.   It can always, always be worse.  I  know this. 

Tomorrow is another day.


And I will.
I will never give up.
or give in.

 

In the English Kitchen today . . .  Heavenly Ham & Cheese Hots.

Don't forget . . . 

 ═══════════ ღೋƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒღೋ ═══════════ ⊰✿░G░O░D⊰✿⊰L░O░V░E░S⊰✿⊰░Y░O░U░⊰✿
═══════════ ღೋƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒღೋ ═══════════ 

And I do too.  

 



20 comments:

  1. Dear Marie

    You don’t know me, and I know you only through your words here each day. I obviously don’t know the details behind the relationship with each of your children, or your sadness and anger.

    I do know, though, that you have been through a truly challenging emotional journey recently, with Todd’s illness and your own health amongst other things. You have soldiered on, holding things together and it is no wonder that you are feeling lackadaisical (a lovely sounding word, I think, for such a condition!) and burdened by grief. Things have been scary, things have changed, life has been difficult with more shadows than before.

    I’d suggest that you give yourself permission to stop, to grieve, to shout at the fears you’ve carried. Let yourself rest a while. Be gentle with yourself, as you would be with someone else who you saw going through this. Hold yourself responsible for nothing more right now than setting down your cares and frustrations, allowing yourself to feel everything but not trying to rationalise or deal with any of it. Break a little, if you need to, it’s ok. Or just sit, do nothing, look around you for a while, feel no pressure to ‘do’, ‘help’, ‘fix’, ‘fight’.

    After you’ve rested a while – hours, or days, or weeks – you can pick that bag of cares and frustrations back up and see what’s still there, feel stronger to carry it if it is still heavy, or feel that the bag has emptied a little and is lighter than before. Take care of yourself. And by taking care of yourself you can continue to take care of others. Everything else will play out as it will, regardless.

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  2. Hi Marie,

    Perhaps you should have a chat with your GP.

    It could be that the way you are feeling has something to
    do with the intense stress you must have been under while
    your husband was being treated for cancer, plus the stress of
    trying to get your cookbook finished on time.

    You should also ask if it could be a side effect of any
    of the tablets you are taking for things like blood pressure
    or pain or diabetes, especially if you've had any new
    medications since you started feeling this way.

    Maria

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  3. I don't come to your site everyday like I use to because of days like today. God has blest you with so much but yet you go on about what you don't have. I have lost a child to a car accident, a daughter to a drugs, a son in the service for life. I am blest with so many people in my life that GOD has put in my life!! My awesome husband tells me to thank God for who he does put in our life appreciate the love and all he has blest us with. What must God think when we slap him in the face and say but I want......? When the end of life comes I know God will be with me, comfort me, and give me a peace I will never understand. God wants to know am I first just like Abraham sacrificing his only son. Are your children healthy? Are they happy? Are they begging you for money, stealing from you, in a wheel chair? Count your blessings and bless the world.

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  4. Thanks very much Nicola and Maria. You are right could be any number of things. I only know that I feel sad and have done for a while now, despite all the goodness in my life. That doesn't mean that I am blaming God, or slapping Him in the face, but it does mean that I am having to lean on Him even more. Rocky Springs Farm, I do count my blessings and I count them every day, but that doesn't mean I am not allowed to mourn my losses. Being able to verbalise these feelings is an important part of healing.

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  5. They say that a shared sorrow is half the burden, so I'm glad you can share. Yes we do have to count our blessings and somedays that is all I have to cheer me up. When we are thankful for what we have there is no room left for anything but happiness. It's is true...this too shall pass. Nothing every lasts forever... every day is a chance to start again! (((Hugs))) to you from me!

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  6. I want to first address Rocky Springs Farm. You asked "What must God think when we slap him in the face and say but I want"? God wraps His arms around us and says "I love you Child. Come shelter under my wing." God knows we are but human; we are to emulate Him but we still have to live in these frail bodies with these frail minds. He wants us to be open and transparent and honest about all of what bothers us, regardless of how much He's blessed us. This is a journey.

    Next Marie, I want to say that I know how you feel. I too am a Christian woman whom God has blessed greatly. But I have a tumultuous relationship with some members of my family and with one daughter. My heart also breaks over this; I cry and hurt and have days just like you are experiencing. So, please: no apologies for feeling what you feel.

    Just keep turning your focus back to God; keep reminding yourself of how wonderful HE is, even in the midst of deep pain and despair!

    I love your posts: the cheerful, upbeat ones and the sad, realistic ones! Sending hugs.

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  7. Lots of love for you from Idaho today!

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  8. Thanks very much Monique, Pam, Sandy and Anna. xoxo

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  9. I think westessexdeli has hit the nail on the head. You are suffering PTS from all the worry you have had recently. You've been holding it together for so long now you're in crash and burn mode. Talk to your GP he might help. "This too will pass" Don't be afraid to ask for help. Your children are adults, they make their own decisions now, don't let them control you.

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  10. I hear what you're saying,Marie. It would be nice if this were PTSD secondary to Todd's Ca diagnosis and treatment...not fun, but easier to explain away. My best friend from high school was in pretty much the same situation you're in. You can't fix the unfixable. Painful, and so unfair.I'm so sorry this happened to you.

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  11. Hello Marie
    I read your blog daily...have for several years now. I found an answer for when I spent several years feeling like you are feeling today. When I was 28, married 5 yrs. to a loving man, he died from cancer. We were blessed with a child who was 5 yrs. old when he died. My daughter and I moved forward...there really is no other choice at age 28....I was blessed to meet, love, and marry again but my second husband died suddenly when I was 38 and my daughter was 14 yrs. old.....So after a few years of feeling very lost and alone, I moved on again......I found that the answer to a fulfilling, happy life for me meant getting out into the world and helping others....I worked hard and took on new challenges as an RN....I began to feel complete, fulfilled and happy again. I am now still a single widow age 73 and thankfully, my daughter is a very happy, strong woman and I am blessed with a grandson...I have retired from nursing but I stay very active in many community organizations in order to help others in need.....This is my way of feeling that I have a purpose in this life. I have learned that putting myself forth to give what I can to help others gives me back a great feeling of accomplishment and inner contentment.

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  12. Marie, my friend. I don't know your particular hurt, but I know what it is to be shunned by those who are supposed to love you. I've had to create my own family, but somehow, as much as I love them, that absent piece that would make my heart whole cries out. I think about your children and wonder how and why, when given the gift of a mother that loves them, they turn from her. I would give anything to have my mother at the other end of the phone. I miss her physically sometimes still. I cannot help but think that one day they will regret their actions. Still, that is of no comfort. Know that God loves you. That you are surrounded by love. You and I have never met and yet I love you dearly. I pray for you and Todd every day. I will say an extra prayer for you tonight and know that our loving Father will grant you peace. Xxxxx

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  13. Hi Marie~

    I'm so sorry that you are so unhappy right now. I say, right now, because I know that it will be okay. I agree with a lot of the readers, especially, Nicola. I do think you have been through so much lately, not only in your own personal life, but in life around you. We live in a tumultuous world, with so many really bad things happening around us, and it can't help but affect us. You do need to give yourself permission to grieve, to cry, to stomp your feet and scream if you need to! And then when it's over, and you feel better, then, and only then should you try to deal with the hurt.

    You are loved...like you said, beyond comprehension!! Never forget that, you are a daughter of God, you are precious, amazing, talented, and priceless beyond measure. I am always so in awe at what you give to others, your blog is a gift to so many of us who need a smile and a friend. I have not dealt with the same kind of pain that you are going through right now, but I have dealt with depression and anxiety, of feeling hopeless worhtless and sad. It's a terrifying way to feel, for even a day, let alone a month or more. Don't ever feel like you have failed, and if you need to go the the Dr. for help, there are so many options for you.

    Keep praying, for yourself and your children, keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep loving, keep typing, keep the creative juices flowing, and remember that you are loved! I sure wish there wasn't a big old pond between us - I would be on your door-step, with chocolate and a big hug!!

    Gentle Hugs and Love,
    Barb

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  14. Thanks very much Angharad, Maryann, Lynney, Noelle, and Barb. God bless you all. I have taken everyone's comments to heart and I agree I probably do need to talk to my GP about this. I just don't want to have to take any more pills, and I find that is their solution for most things. I do appreciate very much everyone's thoughts and feelings and prayers. They mean the world to me. Love you. xoxo

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  15. Oh, my sweet friend; I just love you so much! I am so sorry that you are struggling. Many years ago in a conference one of the Apostles talked about feeling down or depressed and he said it was OK to wallow in it for a while, just don't get stuck. I know you; you won't get stuck.
    I can't relate totally to your feelings but I can understand them. I can't imagine the hurt you have suffered and the sadness to be so far away from those you love so much.
    Right now three out of my six children have struggles that are hard.
    I think about them all the time and worry too. One thing that has helped me the most is to pray hard like I know you do and keep there names on the prayer roll of the temple. I then just leave it in God's hands. He knows them. He wants all his children to come back to him and he will give them opportunities. Just never ever give up! I have 4 less active grandchildren that makes me feel so sad; but I do the suggestions above and know it my heart that is about all i can do except continue to always love them.
    I am excited about your book and I know you will get your Zip back soon.
    Sending loving thoughts, prayers, love and hugs your way!

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  16. Morning love I was hoping that you had really and truly let go of the children......there is nothing you can do about that situation......I'm no councillor but I think you must go and see your GP......not necessarily for pills, but to let him know what a deep depression you have sunk into,, there are other treatments than pills.....I know we have our loving Father to talk to and to throw ourselves at....but I just know. ( it happened to me, that there are times we just need that physical person ). Whoever that person might be is waiting to help you, In my case out of the blue a lady I barely knew in fact I had never spoken to her....so please go to your Dr. Keep your eyes open and that special person will be ready to step in and help you......God Bless. Dear fri end

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  17. Thanks very much LeAnn! I have been listening a lot to Elder Holland's talks. He is very good and of course prayer is helping alot as well. love and hugs.xoxo

    Thanks Sybil. Love you. God bless. xoxo

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  18. Oh Marie, I wish I could give you a great big hug right now! I'm too far away,so all I can do is pray that these feelings will pass, sooner than later!

    Your blog isn't just here to make us happy. We are here to cheer you up too my friend!

    Big hugs and love

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  19. Thanks very much Jan. love and big hugs back. Xoxo

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Your comments mean the world to me, and while I may not be able to address each one individually, each one is important to me and each one counts. Thanks so much!