Monday 20 January 2020

Today . . .





To the dragon 
any loss is total. 
His rest is disrupted 
if a single jewel 
encrusted goblet 
has been stolen. 
The circle of himself 
in the nest of his gold 
has been broken. 
No loss is token.
~Kay Ryan 


Tomorrow it will be one year since we lost our mother. On the 13th it had been a year since I last heard her voice or spoke to her. I will never forget her last words to me and I never want to.

Sadly this past weekend we lost another much beloved family member.  My sister's youngest son Ben, with the twinkly blue eyes, passed away very unexpectedly in the wee hours of Saturday morning. He was only 29 and leaves behind a partner and a young son.  I think we are all still in shock. Its been a bad, bad year. A sad, sad year.

I do not know what it feels like to lose a child, a brother, a sister, a husband, a father  . . .  and I cannot pretend to know. I do not know what to say, or to do. Everything seems like its not enough, will never be enough.  I feel totally inept, helpless,  I cannot comfort my best friend in the world. My heart mourns with hers, but it is not the same. I know that. If I could take this pain away from her I would, but I can't. My arms are not long enough to reach across an ocean of water, and land and time to enclose her.  I can hold her in my heart and in prayers that are meaningless to her, but I will never be able fill the hole. I know that.

This sweet, sweet woman . . .  who was once a girl that harboured baby birds with broken wings, and cared for sick field mice, who has stood by my side through the thick and the thin, who nursed my sweet mother through the last days of her life, and who now lovingly takes care of my aging father . . . this is not fair, life is not fair.

We expect to lose parents and spouses, friends perhaps.  Nothing prepares us for the unexpected loss of a child. We are supposed to go first.  We are not supposed to be the ones left behind. I have no words for that sorrow. It is incomprehensible, unspeakable, and heartbreakingly cruel.

All I can do is to love her and to be there for her as best as I can for when and if she needs me. I will pray the prayers, as meaningless as they might be for her, because I still believe in their power, and I can not  . . .  will not . . . believe that this fragile life is all that there is.  I do not understand the cruelty of it and cannot fathom the why's of how things happen, but I do know and understand love. And so I love as best as I can, for as long as I can, and however I can . . . and all I can do is to hope that is enough, even though in my heart I know that it isn't and never will be.

It is not about me.  Please keep HER in your hearts.


18 comments:

  1. Marie, I can feel the great love you have for your sister. While your arms cannot stretch across the ocean, your love can and I am certain your sister feels it and is comforted by it. Tomorrow will be an emotional day for your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs and love, Elaine

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  2. Such a devastating thing to happen sending my love and thoughts xxx

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  3. Having lost a son myself I know just how your sister is feeling. You have said it well, we are the ones that should go before the young ones. Keeping her in you prayers and being there for her is about all you can do, but it definitely matters. All the care of my family and friends is what helped me to keep it all together in those terribly sad days. I will pray for her in her deep loos and time of tragedy.

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    1. Your prayers are very much appreciated Pam. xoxo

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  4. I am so sorry for you all..
    Your sister is an angel..and this is when I question life.

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    1. Even with all my faith, I often question things also Monique. I think it is only natural. xoxo

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  5. Sweet Marie~

    I'm so sorry for your dear sister, there are just now words that can the ease the pain, still the sadness or dry the tears. But there is prayer, and your sister and her family will be in mine, as well as you and Todd. This will be a very difficult week for you, so make sure you are taking care of yourself. Give yourself time to grieve, tears are healing. Much love to you Marie, keeping you close in my heart always.

    Hugs and Love,
    Barb

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    1. Thanks Barb. your prayers for my sister and her family are so very much appreciated. Love and hugs. xoxo

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  6. Words just don't express how we feel when a loved one is passes. The loss of a young member of your family is tragic and words just don't express how one feels. So sorry for your loss, he will live on in your hears forever.

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  7. What a blow for all your family!! While everyone hopes to die easily this way, it is so out of order for it to be one so young and your sister's son!! I will be praying for her and all of you!! You have had a very bad year of it!! Sending you all hugs and prayers, Elizabeth xoxo

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    1. Thanks very much Elizabeth. Much appreciated. xoxo

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  8. So VERY, very sorry for your family loss, Marie... Sooo young! :( So very sad for your sister, for you all... Thinking of you all, and praying... ((LOVE & BIG HUGS))

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    1. Thanks very much Tracy. You rprayes for everyone are very much appreciated. Love and hugs, xoxo

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  9. I'm so sorry, Marie. Much love to you all. Your 2019/2020 is becoming my 2001. . .each week a "What fresh hell is this?!" passing from my lips that year. 'So many losses and changes. 'So much love heading your way from me today. ♥♥

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    1. Thanks Val. I really hope we have seen the last of it now, but somehow I think not. Love and hugs. xoxo

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