Wednesday Ponderings . . .

 

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For many years I used to dream about bears.  Big brown or black bears, chasing me and trying to catch me.  They were terrifying dreams.  And then I had children and the dreams changed, the bears were always getting between myself and my house and my children were in the house alone.  And then the bears changed to polar bears, which are the most ferocious, largest bears, next to the Kodiak grizzly. 

I always wondered what the significance was on these dreams.  Why always bears? Why always chasing?  Why always the fear of a loss of some sort?  Why the change of the color of the bear?  Why the separation between myself and what was dearest to me?

I'm sure a dream analyst could tell me exactly what the dreams meant.  I have not had a bear dream in quite some time now.  I am grateful for that. 

 

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I am a very vivid dreamer. My dreams are like little movies. Always in color.  Always in great detail, and most of the time I remember them. I can remember dreams I had as a child. They stick with me, and quite often, whatever it is that I am dreaming just prior to waking up sets the tone for my whole day. 

I remember a dream I had as a child, more than once, that I was walking to school on a very long sidewalk and as I went my clothes were slowly disappearing so that eventually I ended up at school naked and embarrassed.  I am sure those were dreams of great significance as well . . .  

As a child I always felt like I was a disappointment of some sort to my parents.  I was a girl and not a boy. I never came first in the class.  I never quite measured up to what was expected of me, no matter how hard I tried. I always fell short. 

 

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Its funny how the things from our childhood affect us and how we carry them with us for a lifetime. The other night I was writing in my journal about  the beauty of God's Grace and then all of a sudden I remembered an incident from when I was about 9 or 10 years old, and so I wrote about it . . . 

"I am about 10 years old. For some reason I am not allowed to be in the family photograph with my father that my mother is taking of us. It is my father's decision for me not to be in it. I am totally distraught, heartbroken, crying. Afterwards my mother takes me into the kitchen and takes my picture, alone, in front of the kitchen sink. Later when the photos are developed, you can clearly see the pain in my face, my eyes all swollen and damp . . .  and even now  . . .  all these years later, the memory of it makes me cry. I still feel the pain, even though I no longer remember the reason why. The memory of it puts me right back to feeling on the fringe, but not included." 

Broken.  I felt broken.  And sometimes I still feel broken. Sometimes I still feel the bears chasing me, or keeping me from the things or people that I love.  Sometimes I still feel naked and ashamed. Like I'm walking and walking and getting nowhere.

 

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Sometimes I feel like a piece of my cake is missing and that was the only piece that was mine.  Bereft.

We live in a world where often things don't work the way they should, or how we think they should.   A world where bad things happen all the time to good people, and good things happen to bad.  Where things often seem unfair and undeserved. Where a battle seemingly rages between all that is good and all that is evil . . . and we are the prize.  

Both sides want the same thing from us. Our heart.

But the choice is not theirs to make. Its ours.  We can choose to run away from the bear, or we can choose to stand and fight the bear. We can be weak and give in to our fears and our weaknesses, or we can be strong, stand up to them and overcome them.  If we are exposed, we can be proud of our nakedness.   If someone eats our piece of cake, we can cut ourselves another one. 

If we always do our best, we can be proud of us, of who we are, and of who we are becoming. Of how far we have come or how far we will go.   

I am a woman of great hope and of great faith.  I have accomplished many things I can be proud of. Not everyone has to like me or love me. The important thing is that I like and love myself. I am a daughter of a kind and loving Heavenly Father who wants only one thing for me and one thing from me . . .  and who is willing to give back to me in return at least as much, but mostly more than I am willing or able to give to him. 

There is always a seat for me at His table and a place for me in His photograph.  Of that I can be sure.  I know this to be true and it is enough.  

 

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If I am constantly comparing myself with others, I will never measure up. What I do may not be their best, but my best is also not their best.  My best is good enough. I can be proud of me. I am proud of me. 

The kittens are going to their first Vet appointment this afternoon. I hope its not too expensive, but I expect that it will be.  I can't think of any Vet appointment that wasn't costly and I have two to pay for at the same time. lol  I never did do anything halfway!

Doug messaged me just now to let me know they are on their way from PEI to NB to the hospital in Saint John.  I am praying for their safety and that all will go well.  I know you are too, and I am grateful for that. 

Cindy is going to the Vet with me this afternoon and then she and Dan are coming over for supper tonight.  I am going to make my Hot Italian Hoagies, which we will have with salad.  I haven't sorted any dessert, but then Dan doesn't eat dessert anyways, and we don't really need it.  It will just be nice to be together.  When I think of that my heart swells with joy.  I feel so blessed that I can now spend this time with my family. It was the hardest journey ever to get here, but I stood up to the bear and here I am. 

Life can only get better. Even at its worst, it is better than where I have been.

A thought to carry with you  . . . 

° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★

 *The Lord will meet you where

you are as you are,

but He doesn't intend

to leave you there.

He means to lift you up to where He is,

as He is.

This is the journey of grace.

~Emily Belle Freeman•。★★ 。* 。 

 

In The English Kitchen today  . . .  One Pan Cheesy Sausage Pasta. An all in one pan supper that is deliciously simple to make and perfectly sized for two. 

I hope that you have a wonderful Wednesday. Whatever it is that you get up to, don't forget! 

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And I do too!