This and that . . .

 

(source) 

I am really late getting started this morning.  I was up early enough. I got up at 5 a.m. to watch the church service over in the UK, which I watched at 6 a.m.  Its always nice to see familiar faces.  It is Stake Conference here today so that will be broadcast on YouTube, so no need to go into the church to actually attend, so I will be doing that at 10:00 am.

I had a lovely breakfast with my father yesterday morning.  It was not that the food was particularly good because well, breakfast is breakfast, but it was just nice to be there together. I love listening to my father talk about his childhood and sharing stories with me from way back when.  I am careful now to write them down when I get home so that they are not lost forever. When you are a young person you don't really pay much attention to such things, but as you get older, they become more important. Much of what we know about our past now is because people thought to write things down at the time, so I think it is really important to continue to do that for future generations. 

 

Just as I was getting ready to go yesterday morning, I opened my front closet to get my shoes out and went to close it, when Cinnamon gave out a loud meow and scurried off. I had started to close her paw in the back side of the door. I had no idea she was there.  She must have seen the crack and stuck her paw into the crack to play. Of course my heart was in my throat and she scurried off. I got ahold of her so I could check to see if she was okay, and she was, thank goodness. I had only just started to close the door so it was probably just a pinch, but enough to hurt I am sure.  I felt bad having to go out just after.  I made sure she was okay and said a little prayer and sure enough when I got back it was as though nothing had happened.

What a fright though, and a reminder to me that I must always be careful when I am opening and shutting doors because little paws like little fingers are curious and always like to investigate. Lesson learnt!  (probably by both of us!)

I had an e-mail a week or so ago from the publisher of my last book to tell me that they were shutting down Passageway Press and reverting all the rights of my book back to me.  I suppose with Covid and everything they just were not able to make a go with it.  I am not sure what to do now. He recommended me re-publishing it either with another publisher or self-publishing. I am not sure how to go about that, so I do not know how I will proceed with it.  In any case it is no longer available either as a hard copy or as an e-book. 

I also heard from Home Chef World.  I thought that they had dropped me like a hot potato over these past months, due to my situation and having been largely unable to work while I was living at my sisters. When I had contacted them to tell them I was now in my own place and could continue, I had not heard a peep from them so assumed it was a no go. I had even e-mailed them saying was I to assume that our business partnership was no longer viable and got no response. I finally did last week, but am still in the dark as to what our relationship is/will be.  I am not sure I want to do business with people who treat you so shabbily. 

 

(source) 

The leaves are really changing color now.  And pumpkins are springing up everywhere.  Tis the beginning of the seasons of reds, oranges and yellows.  I expect it won't be long before we have morning frosts. My back yard is full of leaves.

As I got into bed the other night and was saying my prayers, all of a sudden I got completely overwhelmed with feelings. I could not find the words and could only say to the Lord, I don't know how I am supposed to feel. On the one hand I am so incredibly happy to be back with my family, to be able to spend time with my father and my sister and my daughter. And yet on the other hand, I feel incredibly sad. I don't know what to do with my feelings. Love is not like a tap that you can just turn off when its convenient, and I cannot just erase 20 years of my life. Most of them were very happy years. You all know how very much I loved my husband.  He was my whole world. Him and Mitzie, and I loved my little home and my little life. I had no idea the foundations of all of it were built on shifting sands. 

I have felt sad ever since I had those thoughts the other night. I don't know how I am supposed to feel.  I am happy and yet grieving deeply at the same time.  The two don't mesh properly together at all. And I suppose I am still more than a little angry, but more sad than mad. I cannot see myself being with anyone or wanting to be with anyone ever again.  But I want to be with my family, that's all. But however did I get to the age of 66 and have gotten my life so wrong, so very, very wrong.

And then there is the sadness of my youngest daughter and son, who, despite my efforts to contact them, still have not responded in return, even though I am five minutes away from one, and about an hour and a half from the other. I have a wee grandson who was born right around the beginning of the Pandemic, whom I have never seen, who lives five minutes away, and I am coming to the realization that I will probably never see him. I missed seeing all of my other grandchildren when they were small and had hoped that at least I would be able to spend time with this one, but its not to be. Nor my two other grandchildren. My only granddaughter whom I have only seen twice and a grandson who, as well, I have never seen and probably never will.

So whilst I have much to feel happy about and have encountered a multitude of blessings, the joy has a seam of sadness running through it. Grief in more than one area. And I try to hang on to the joy and to dwell on that, but every once in a while the cracks open up and I feel the grief. There is no such thing as a perfect life.  The rain falls on the righteous and the unrighteous alike. Its not so much about the hand of cards you are dealt as it is about how you choose to play them. That's the hard part.

And with that I will leave you with a thought for today  . . .

° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★

 * Every positive thought

is a silent prayer

that can change your life.

•。★★ 。* 。•。★★ 。* 。

 

In The English Kitchen today  . . .  Cream and Crumb Schnitz Pie. Probably my most favorite apple pie of all time!

Hope you have a wonderful day.  Be happy and blessed and safe and don't forget! 

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And I do too!