Saturday, 16 October 2010

Saturday Thoughts . . .



One of the greatest thinker's in Europe, Soren Kierkegaard (a great Philospher) loved walking around his home town of Copenhagen. He enjoyed these walks so much that he made the suggestion that a brisk walk could be the cure for all of our worries and ills.

A familiar sight inthe Danish capital, where he was born in 1813, he once stated:

"Every day I walk myself into a state of well-being, and walk away from every illness. I have walked myself into my best thoughts. There is also no thought so burdensome that you can't walk away from it."

Playwright James Barrie (Peter Pan) seemed to agree as he had a saying . . . "Make your feet your friend."

And then there is that popular Irish Proverb which says: "Your feet will take you where your heart is."

It seems to me that there must be something to all these sayings about walking. I do know that when I go for a nice brisk walk out of doors, I always come back feeling a lot better than I did when I started out. So perhaps a nice healthy walk every day is not a bad idea!



I was feeling a bit low yesterday. I guess we all have off days from time to time . . . Yesterday, I got to feeling that I must have been a really bad mother. I have five children, and out of the five, there is really only one that has anything much to do with me, and I strongly suspect that the only reason he does is because he is such a nice man that he could never bring himself not to . . .

My oldest son is very good to me. We text each other often and are in close communication most of the time. My oldest daughter is developmentally handicapped, and even she does e-mail me from time to time. I used to call her every Monday on her day off, but she got so where she didn't really like me doing that, so I stopped. It seems her life is so busy with training and other things, that she really didn't want me to interrupt her life with a phone call. I try not to take it personally . . . taking her disability into consideration . . . but it is hard not to. I write the other three e-mails, send them packages from time to time, etc. (as I do all my kids) but I never ever get any response from them. I try to message them on facebook . . . but again no response . . .

It's been like that with my youngest daughter for some time now . . . probably about 5 years . . . and the last few times I have gone back home for visits, she has made no attempt whatsoever to see or talk to me. In fact I recently found out she is expecting a baby the end of February by seeing something she had written to one of her friends on Facebook. I wrote to her older brother asking him if she was pregnant. He chose not to respond to me, I expect he didn't know what to say . . . but did write to her telling her he thought it was in pretty poor form that her mother should have to find out she was pregnant on Facebook. It was only then that I got a message from her telling me that she was pregnant and due the end of February. I was the last to find out, and I have noticed that she has not written anything at all on facebook ever since, at least not that I can see . . . so my only form of finding out what's going on in her life at all seems to have now disappeared as well . . .



My middle son, seems happy enough to see me when he does see me . . . I do know though tha he thinks me a bit of a crack pot who went off and joined a cult, and I don't think he really holds much affection for me or that I am all that important to him, but . . . then again . . . with a wife and two, almost three, young sons to take care of, his life is very busy and he has other fish to fry, and quite rightly so . . .

My youngest son . . . the one that I worried about the most when his father and I divorced . . . he seems to have gone the same way as his sister . . . he appears to have cut off all communication from me as well. He has not given me an address for him in a couple of years now. I have tried texting him a few times, but I get the message that he doesn't like me to do that either because, apparently it costs him money. When I was home last summer, he did come down on leave for a week, but was unable to see me except for a few hours when he did come for supper at my mom's one night. He brought a friend with him and spent most of the few hours he was there communicating with his friend, while I looked on, feeling a bit awkward and out of place. Since then he hasn't replied to any of my messages, and I noticed the other day that when he came onto MSN and I messaged him, he immediately went off . . . a mother notices these things you know . . . it could have been a co-incidence perhaps . . . but in light of everything else I think not.



I find myself thinking that I must have been a really horrible mother . . . and then in the next breath I think no . . . there are parents in this world that do dastardly things to their children, and yet . . . despite what they have done, their children continue love them and communicate with them. Still . . . I must have done something wrong . . . a good mother would not have brought her children up to be so cold and selfish and unfeeling. Children don't cut good mother's out of their lives . . .

When I was at school, during the middle years, I was horribly teased and bullied by the other kids. I was shy and quiet, a good student, and a good girl that tried to do what my parents wanted me to do. I got called "Loser" and loads of other nasty things. Going to school each day was an exercise in torture, and I went home many days just holding back the tears. I often cried myself to sleep at night. Those were horribly painful years and the scars still run deep, no matter how far removed I may think I am from them. I lay in the bathtub yesterday thinking about my children and the pain that I feel from their disassociation from me, and I began to hear those childhood voices and taunts . . . calling out to me . . . Loser . . . Loser . . . and my heart broke all over again . . . as hard as I might try to put these things behind me, the mother in me won't let them die . . .

Most days I am ok . . .I manage to be able to lock the pain away and not think about it . . . but it is always there, just below the surface and it doesn't take much of a scratch for it to come leaking out . . .



Why am I telling you all this . . . I don't know. I try to be honest in all that I put on here and I think that sometimes you need to know that my life is not always sunshine and happy days . . . sometimes I am really sad as well. I see you as being my friends, even if most of you are thousands of miles away and we never ever talk on any other level except for this . . .

I often think of friendship as being like a tree . . . even when the autumn comes . . . and the leaves flutter down and the tree looks dead, the roots are still alive beneath the ground, strong as iron. Often what matters most is that which cannot be seen . . . I thank you for your love and patience . . . I think I need to go for a long walk today to shake away this hollow feeling in my heart . . .

Sometimes it's nice to have breakfast for supper. We did the other day. With a few eggs and other ingredients it's not hard to have a tasty repast on the table in no time at all and with very little effort!



*Three Cheese Western Omelet*
Serves 6
Printable Recipe

A deliciously spicy omelet that you bake in the oven! Easy peasy, lemon squeezy!

3/4 cup mild tomato salsa
1 cup of artichoke hearts, drained well,dried and chopped
1/4 cup of finely grated Parmesan Cheese
1 cup of shredded Monterey Jack cheese
1 cup shredded strong Cheddar Cheese
6 large free range eggs
1 cup of sour cream



Preheat the oven to 180*C/350*F/ gas mark 4. Grease a 10 inch glass pie plate really well. Spread the salsa over the bottom of the pie dish. Sprinkle the artichokes over top of the salsa. Layer on all three cheeses. Whisk together the eggs and sour cream and then pour this over top of the cheese. Bake in the heated oven for 30 minutes or until golden brown and set. Cut into wedges to serve. Delicious!



Baking in The English Kitchen today, some delicious Chocolate Stuffed Peanut Butter Scones!

15 comments:

Jen @ tatertotsandjello.com said...

Oh Marie! You are such a wonderful person, I wish I could give you a hug right now. I am so sorry that you are going through that with your children. I can only imagine how much pain that must bring to you. I hope in time that your kids will be able to see how wrong they are and how much you love them.

((Hugs))
Jen

Suze said...

Marie my heart breaks for you. I am sure you did everything possible to be the best mother you can and could be. You supported me so when I was down last year. The love you share is amazing.

It would be wonderful if we could fix the past. I know my relationship with my now ex husband has poisoned my children so and I wonder if this is the case?

Hold fast to your faith and enjoy your life with your darling Todd. You scatter love and sunshine around the globe. Every evening I hungrily await your wisdom. I know you are not a bad person.

Btw I finally found something for you and would like to send it before the Christmas rush. Could you forward me your new address either on facebook or email.

Mrs P said...

Hi Marie, I'm new to your blog but I was so moved by your blog today that I had to tell you that lots of us out here are thinking of you. I have a similarly difficult relationship with my family. I find that the person I love most apart from my husband is my stepson - he is away at university now and lived with his Mum 35 miles from us before that but I love him more and more each year. I struggle with my own blood family - you can't choose your family and they invariably bring us the most pain.I feel that some of the strongest ties and relationships in our loves are bonds we make with people we choose through common interests or just mutual appreciation. I hope you feel better today. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone - you can share your pain with me any time. Have a lovely day. love Suzanne (Northwich, England) xxxxx

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

Breakfast for dinner and walking are really and truly 2 of my favorite things. I think all moms at one time or another and that includes me, feels cut off from their children. I often tell myself it is just because they are so busy with their own lives that they just don't take the time. Some of mine I see often and others are hit and miss. Some live close others are far away and that does make a difference. I hope you do get out for that walk and feel the beauty and glory all around. It is very healing and restorative. Lots of Love and Hugs to you!

Raquel said...

{{{{{Hugs}}}}} to you, my beautiful friend! You are a wonderful person, Marie, and if your children choose not to acknowledge that, then they are the ones losing out. I know I don't comment much, but I do read every day. Someday, your children will realize their mistake. I know that doesn't make it any easier now. We have somewhat a similar situation in that Honey's oldest daughter has absolutely no communication with him at all. The only way we get any news is by gently asking the other daughter(can't do that too much) or by trolling around on Facebook. Well, here I am writing a book. Love ya, Marie! Chin up! Much love - Raquel XO

Niki said...

keeping you in my prayers
hugs
Niki

Angie said...

Though not a mother myself I can well imagine how painful this is for you. I used to be bullied a lot at school too, tho for different reasons from you - you don't have to be VERY different for kids' cruel streak to come to the fore. If you ask me Facebook has a llot to answer for and that's why I don't bother with it.

Kristine said...

Just letting you know you're in my prayers. Your post brought me to tears today. I read about your children and I get so angry. I lost my own mother over 2 years ago, and how I wish she were here. I miss her every day. We didn't always get along, but we loved each other and knew it. Even at that I wish I could turn back the clock and make things better with her. I don't understand how your own children could take you for granted that way. You seem a wonderful woman and have brought me through some bad days with your ever flowing faith. I would surely hope that when your daughter becomes a mother herself that something will warm inside of her. I've lost my mother. They have a mother who so badly wants to be there for them...I just don't understand it. God has a plan. I'll keep you in my prayers. Keep your faith. :)

Judy - Scottsdale,AZ said...

Oh Marie...reading this post brought tears to my eyes. You are such a wonderful person and having to go through this pain is not fair. I hope your children eventually "see the light" and come to appreciate you for who you are. (I know that all your readers do!) Take care....you know that we all care for you.

ingrid said...

Dear Marie,There are no words to express when I read your blog
A hug from holland
ingridw57@hotmail.com

Maggie said...

Marie, i'm sorry you feel so sad and that your children are like they are, i don't think you should think you were a bad mother, i'm sure you were wonderful!
I think when you are not in touch with people on a day to day basis the longer you leave it to get in touch the harder it is to get in touch, all sorts of excuses start to crop up and before you know it too long has gone by and it's hard to find a way back.
Life, kids,work and life in gerneral gets in the way sometimes, that's no excuse for your kids ignoring messages, texts or emails though, i really feel for you, i would hate it if my children went their own way and didn't give a second thought to me, children can be so hurtful, even when they are grown up, they seem to forget everything that mothers did for them.
I hope you are able to fix things.
Take care of yourself and try not to get too down x

Bonnie said...

Marie, this is disturbing to me, I cannot imagine anyone willfully hurting you, of all people! One thing I do know is that there is no love like mother for child. The very fact that we give all that we have is enough to make the relationship inequitable on many levels. Even kids with regular communication with their moms can be thoughtless. Only when they become parents do they begin to understand but even then it can be lonely a lot of the time. We do not live in a culture that looks back too often. They are focused on themselves and the future generation. That is good but sometimes it can hurt a tender mother's heart even in the best of circumstances.

Adding to that an ex who has poisoned them, it is not all the kids fault. In their minds they just feel you left them but they don't understand all that preceeded that.

Your love for them is unconditional, you are a good mother, they do love you they just have some things to work through. In the meantime you just keep doing what is right...the rest is up to them in their own time and way. Keep talking to them, you're their mom, they'll read it.

Love you sweet friend! Stay strong!

Hugs, B

A Vintage Chic said...

Oh, my dear friend...I'm so sorry I missed this last week...we were traveling, and I didn't get to visit much.

You are one of the most wonderful women on the planet! Please know that you are loved by so many...and someday...all things will be made right. Misunderstandings will disappear, relationships will be restored...I just know you have been a wonderful mother.

I love you loads, my friend...you always make me happy...

Julie

LYN said...

This post made me cry Marie..as a Mother I know how you must feel..my heart would ache if I lost contact with my kids..some judge me for letting them stay at home with me but I cherish every day because I know all too well that they will soon be gone..they are my life and I am no hurry to kick them out..
thank you for sharing your sorrow..Bless your heart.. xx

Great-Granny Grandma said...

My heart is aching for you as you write about what you are going through with your children. I only have two childrenh, but my son treats me like that so even though I don't walk in your shoes, I do have a taste of how painful that is--and multiplied by four for you.

Don't ever blame yourself. You are an awesome, loving person and I'm sure you were the best mother you could be and not a terrible mother at all. Those are the kinds of lies Satan would have us believe so we can feel lots of guilt and remorse and he can steal our joy.

Just keep loving them and praying for them. Ask the Lord to soften their hearts and heal whatever is so poisoning them. And don't ever give up hope of things turning around.

And I'm really glad you did write about this, because it's better to get your hurts out in the open. When you try to keep burying them inside they can never really heal.

((((HUGS)))