The price we pay . . .

 

"Whether on this earth or among the angels,

The heart and soul connection between

a mother and child lives

forever."

My mother's funeral is today. I won't be there, but will be able to watch it via a video link on the page of the funeral home. I am hoping I can figure out how to hook up once the link is posted. It may appear that I am relatively tecch saavy, but in reality I am not really very saavy at all.  If you are interested in seeing her obituary, you can find it here.  

I have been struggling a lot this week, which is why I haven't written.  I still feel in a daze and  a bit like its just a bad dream that I can't wake up from. I've been trying to stay really busy.  I don't think the guest room or my craft room have ever been tidier.  Being busy means I don't have to think, because as soon as I stop the grief crashes into me like a bus and knocks me over all over again. I understand completely now the saying which goes  . . .  "Grief is the price we pay for love."

I can't believe that when my mother was passing over I was completely oblivious to the event.  I always thought I would know the exact moment it occured.  I didn't.  We had Tina and Tony here and I was sitting on the sofa enjoying their company. It was not until after they left that I turned on my computer and saw the messages to call my brother, and my heart sank because I just knew whatever it was, it wasn't good.  

Despite all the pain and anguish I have found some things to be very grateful for:

She was not alone. My sister was there with her holding her hand, etc.  I was so distraught thinking she had been all on her own when she passed over.  When I finally talked to my sister I learned that the life support had not been turned off until my sister was with her and holding her hand, whispering words of love. I am so sorry that my sister was on her own, but I am so grateful that my mother wasn't.

I am grateful that I was able to contact my ex-husband so that he could go and break the news to my oldest daughter so that she would not be alone when she found out.  Because of her challenges she struggles to understand and cope with things like this. I wanted her to be told in person and by someone who loves her as much as I do.  Wish granted.

All of my children have been able to get home for the funeral, safe and sound.  With the weather being the way it is, I was so worried that they would not be safe, but God is good and the ones who had to drive from a distance are there.  I am grateful that all of them made it.

I am grateful for modern technology which will allow me to be there, even though I am thousands of miles away. 

I am grateful that my mother is not suffering any more.  That she is in a safe place and free from all of the pain and the memory loss and  that she is whole again, and reunited with loved ones who have gone on before. 

I miss her terribly and will until the day that I join her, but in the meantime, I am grateful for the comfort that the knowledge of the Gospel brings to me, and the things that I know in my heart to be true.  For the faith that has had to sustain me over and over again during these past days. 

I am grateful for all the love and prayers that I have felt lifting my family and I from all the corners of the world.

I am grateful for a friend who thought to bring us a meal the other day and for my sister's friend who thought to do the same for them.  The old ways are still honored by some and it is such a comfort.

I am grateful for a brother who is able to keep a clear head and get things done, even if he is a bit abrupt at times. Somebody needs to have a clear head, and to have to do the things that he has had to do this week, whilst grieving as much as my sister and I . . . I do appreciate his efforts.

I am grateful for a husband who has been here right by my side, and for Mitzie.  Both have been a great support and comfort for me over these past days.  I don't know how dogs know you are in pain, but they do, and they try hard to make up for it.

I am going to try hard to get back into the swing of things after today.  I think that is the only way to move forward, to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter what.  Standing still is not an option for any of us. I would ask that you keep my sister in your prayers.  She has not only lost my mother, but so much else.  I am grateful that she has a wonderful partner to share her life with, and who supports her so lovingly . . .   and I am especially grateful for the loving care they both tendered to my mother over these past five and a half years. I hope she knows how much I love and esteem her . . .  the both of them.

"We can't fully appreciate Joyful Reunions later 

without tearful separations now. The only way

to take sorrow out of death is to take Love out of life"

~Russel M Nelson