Blah, blah, blah . . .

 

  

 

(source)

Everything checked out fine with Dad at the hospital yesterday. They could find nothing wrong with him, so that is good.  He has since discovered a gash on his leg, which he has treated with peroxide and put some ointment on, but he only has small band-aids so he has put three on it. I will check to see if I have larger ones and if he needs me to take him to the insurance people later I will bring it over to his place.  

I am not totally comfortable driving there, but I will do what I have to do.  I did not drive in this country for many years and I didn't drive in the UK at all, so  . . .  I am still getting back into my comfort zone. I am a lot older now than I was way back then, when I was younger.  I never was comfortable with lots of traffic and lights, etc. It seems much harder now.

It is sad to see your parents getting older in many ways. You are so grateful to still have them with you, but your heart aches as you watch them losing their independence bit by bit. My father who was always so fastidious has become a quite unkempt  . . . and I suppose it is all because it is harder for him to do things like put on his socks and trousers, shirt, etc. or he just doesn't see as well as he used to. He is no longer the person with every hair in place and freshly polished shoes. There are days when the menu of all he has eaten shows on his shirt and he is either oblivious to it, or he no longer cares.  It makes me sad sometimes.

But he is okay and so is his friend.  That is a blessing in and of itself.  It could have been so much worse. 

 

(source)

Some days I just feel tired. Not physically tired. Mentally tired.  I tell myself this too shall pass, and I just keep going. There is sometimes a part of me that really just wants to lay down and sleep forever, but I need to keep going.

I think  this business with my daughter is getting me down a bit. I know she is developmentally disabled and very much like a child in many ways and so I shouldn't take it to heart, but she has started posting things on her FB page against my religion  now. She uses a lot of passive aggression against me. I told myself yesterday I need to stop looking at her page. it only makes me feel bad.

I need to stop looking at all of their pages really.  Every time I do it is like salt in a wound, and I have had enough wounds over these past years to last anyone a lifetime. 

The mother in me doesn't want to let go, but there is another part of me that says its not healthy for me to hang on, especially if I am facing some big health challenges of my own. I have enough to deal with, without adding to it.

That's why I try to fill my life with as much light as I can.  Try to stay as busy as I can.  And yet, try as I might, I can never get all the things done that I need to get done.  I do not know what happens to my time. I just must be getting a lot slower at doing things.

I took a pork roast out of the freezer last night and I need to cook it today.  Last night I felt like it, this morning, I don't.  Does that ever happen to anyone?  lol

My sister is going to drop dinner off at my father's later today when she goes to pick up her husband at work.  I will take him some dinner tomorrow. He likes his roast pork cold, so that was my thinking. Cook it today and then he can have it cold tomorrow.

It will be interesting to see what the insurance company has to say today. I would imagine his insurance is going to skyrocket, if they continue to insure him at all.  Time will tell.

 

(source)

I sometimes find myself feeling a simmering anger at I don't know what . . . .  the cosmos, people, whatever. At him whose name I cannot bring myself to speak out loud.  And I hate feeling angry.  

Anger is a wasted emotion and serves no purpose.  But I just want to vent out all of these feelings and tell him how very angry I am with him for what he did to me, to us, to our lives. I know it wouldn't do any good. He has no conscience. I think that is one aspect of a psychopathic personality.  So sharing my anger with him wouldn't really do any good.  I want a heart felt "I am sorry," but I know I am not going to get it. Will never get it. I want him to know just what a butt-head he is, but I know in his mind he is the one hard done by.

I try to swallow down the anger . . .  and hope that eventually one day it will go away.

 

(source)

I have a hard time sometimes reigning in all of my feelings . . . . all of the hurt and the disappointments, the anger. I suppose it is the same way with everyone.  Maybe that is where scream therapy comes from.  

I was watching the Indian Matchmaker the other night and a few of the girls went to this place where you pay for a sledge hammer and then you put on body and face protection and just go into a room and smash things, until they are destroyed. I thought to myself, I would like to do that. To be able to just smash something until it is pulverized. Annihilated. Destroyed.  I bet it would feel really good.

 

(source)

Doug was starting to feel worse yesterday, more run down.  I hope that he starts to feel better soon. I worry about him with his heart condition.  Everyone else is doing fine and you might not even know that they were sick.  I will be glad when this Covid crap is all over with. I am beyond tired of it all now.  Its like . . .  enough already  . . . 

Oh boy, I am a sad sack today and I am sorry for that. I usually try to be so positive.  But I am not perfect I guess, and just your luck, you caught me on a bad day.  Never mind, tomorrow all will be better.

I knew it was going to be a hard day when I found myself dreaming about preparing for a dinner party and everything kept going wrong.  I hate dreams like that, where I can get nothing right, but perfection is still expected of me.  I wake up with a feeling of inadequacy that seeps into my whole day. Does this happen to you?

I wish I was not such a vivid dreamer.

With that I best leave you with a thought for today. I have a ton of stuff to get done and miles to go before I sleep. My apologies, I promise to be happier tomorrow, today my ray of sunshine is feeling a bit bent  . . .

° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★

 *Amazing grace, it appears, 

is bestowed not on the perpetually

sighted, but on those "Who once

were blind but now can see."

~Rebecca McClanahan •。★★ 。* 。

In The English Kitchen today  . . .  Steakhouse Brown Bread. This was exceptionally delicious!

I hope that you have a beautiful day and forgive me my winging . . .  tomorrow is a new day.  Don't forget (and I won't either!)

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⊰✿░G░O░D⊰✿⊰L░O░V░E░S⊰✿⊰░Y░O░U░⊰✿

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And I do too!