Its my mum's memorial this weekend. I think it will be tomorrow that they will be laying the headstone on my mum's grave and dedicating it. My brother and his family have gone down to Nova Scotia to be there for it, and I think my oldest son is going to try to be there. My oldest daughter will be there, her husband, my sister . . . I can't of course be there, and there is not much I can do about that.
I was always telling my mum how much I loved her and appreciated her and all that she did for me in and throughout my life . . . words that always were inadequate and unable to truly express how I felt for and about her. It is still hard for me to believe that she is no longer with us and that I just can't pick up the phone to call her. I find myself daily wanting to call her home just so I can hear her voice on the answering machine . . . but I don't. Afraid that its been changed, or taken off, or that someone will answer and I won't get to hear it anyways and then have to explain why I have called . . . its just crazy me wanting to call to hear my mother's voice.
Mom was the consumate letter writer . . . writing a letter to each of us at least once a week for many, many years, and then bi-weekly, down to monthly and then for the last number of years the letters stopped as she struggled to string her thoughts together and even to write her name at the last. I saved all of them, and all the cards she sent me through the years . . . for just such a time as the inevitability of this chapter in my life. I haven't been able to bring myself to read them yet. I still feel too raw about everything, but I know they are there waiting for me. I think I even have a few that she wrote to my children when they were small. One day I will sit down with them, but not just yet . . .
I find myself being a tad bit over-critical with Todd at times . . . almost resentful of the fact that it is because of him that I was not able to be near my mom these past 19 years, was not able to be with her at a time she needed me most . . . I find myself feeling angry at times that he took me away from her. It was only supposed to be for two years and ended up being so much longer . . . but it is not his fault. I made the choice to come and to stay. When I have those thoughts and feelings I stuff them down. He doesn't deserve them. He has only ever loved me and I think that I am a bad person to feel such things, or to take it out on him when he messes up even a tiny bit. None of us are perfect, least of all me . . . I should not expect it in him, and my mother would not be happy with me in doing so . . .
She loved my father still,
after all those years and all those hurts,
and forgave him, because it was just him being him.
You can't expect anyone to be anyone but who they are.
Love anyways. Forgive & forget.
I had started a memory journal . . . but I only got two pages done. I just cry too much when I try to put them down. Maybe my soul needs the carthasis of the tears, I don't know. It upsets Todd and it upsets Mitzie and so I try not to grieve too openly. Instead I cry in the shower where my salty tears mingle with the water from the tap and I can't tell which is which. Is this even normal? Am I normal?
And a huge part of me feels guilty for not being there with her these past years as she declined. I had always told myself that I would be, had promised myself that I would be. I had never envisioned that I wouldn't be . . . that wasn't the plan . . .
The reality is . . . you don't.
I keep waiting for a sign that she has forgiven me for not being there, for not doing enough . . . that she is still there watching over me . . . but nothing really comes, or maybe I am blind to it, or not sad enough, or not looking in the right places, or maybe I am wrong and this is all that there is . . . please God, don't let it be that. I don't think I could bear to live in this life without hope . . . and then I get mad with myself for doubting, because deep in my heart I know that this is not all that there is. I am just being my usual impatient self.
And I grieve and I grieve and I grieve.
Please tell me it gets better or easier to bear.
I know I am not the first to lose someone I love so very much and I will not be the last, and that this will not be the last person that I love so much that I lose . . . I just never knew that it would be so hard, or hurt so much. I keep myself busy, busy, busy . . . but its never quite enough.
I find myself each day just basically going through the motions of living . . . treading water . . . trying not to drown. I feel as if all anyone has to do is to touch me and I will start bleeding out this aching soul that is filled with anger and sorrow and remorse and loss. I find myself feeling sometimes that I don't deserve to miss my mom as much as my sister does, or my brother does, that I didn't do all that I could have done, or should have done . . . and that my sorrow is very much undeserved, unearned . . . not within my right to feel, and that I will never ever feel complete or worthy again. I need to go to the Temple but I can't seem to make myself go when I have feelings like this and thoughts like this running through my head and my heart.
I know this too shall pass . . . but at the same time I am afraid that it will. That one day I will stop missing her, or wanting to feel her close to me. I so don't want that to happen. Not ever . . . and so I greedily hang onto my sorrowing heart . . . to the loss. I am afraid to let it go . . . for fear that if I let it go, it will somehow be gone forever, that SHE will somehow be gone forever . . . and I can't let that happen.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBO5jqsPU5NfXmvcEbr2VJ7iOeTk6CqgtM6-HC8R7aERNt387gu8_jFJQMBbIB20dgThPEZyRwUyB3utXpOmqoCgUowrFOcNoycRF196SyAs5mZqZXzRYTBDW0uQw7Z9bEdvMcuWM7NZso/s200/Signature.jpg)
Hi Marie, I think your mom would be the first person to tell you there is nothing to forgive. Life happens in spite of our well-laid plans. I don't think we have to "earn" our grief, either. Grief is the price we pay for love ❤️. And we all love and we all grieve. Your mom would not want you to be in such dispair. She would want you to remember everything that was good about her and keep her memory alive by talking about her to your siblings, your children and grandchildren and others who loved her. You needn't worry that you will ever forget her. You carry her DNA and her love deep within you. I think of my mom every day and she has been gone 14 years. It brings me peace to think of her now rather than anguish. I wish that peace for you some day, too, Marie. Hugs, Elaine
ReplyDeleteThanks Elaine. I think I am just feeling a bit distraught this weekend because again, I am not where I want to be, saying goodbye to my mom with my family. You are so kind. Love and hugs, xoxo
DeleteMy Dad died in February and everything you have written here...well, let's just say it has struck a chord with me. Me Dad was 91 and people will tell me I was lucky to have him for so long. I understand they think they are being comforting but well...You know, that does not help. My life has been a daze since his death, my health is not good and it is a struggle. I keep telling myself that it will get better. Tell yourself that too.
ReplyDeleteMom was 86 1/2 and I know we were lucky to have her for as long as we did, but is there such a thing? I think a loss is a loss is a loss and whether it happens when they are 22 or 42 or 62 or 92 it hurts the same. Love and hugs to you Kay. (((((hugs)))) Hoping we both feel better with time. xoxo
DeleteI could not sleep (5:30 AM here) and of course, came here to see about you, Marie...and oh I am so sorry...knowing this is a hard day. And indeed there will be others. I think your mom was one like mine...not perfect but very close. Men seem not to grieve like we do...maybe they do in other ways but yes, crying is not something they seem able to do much of...nor understand in us. My dear Mom died in Feb. 2001...long time ago. I still wish we could chat...indeed I do. I told our rabbi one time that I still asked GOD to bless my mom and her parents a bit extra...even where they are now and maybe that was crazy. He looked at me and said, "Whyever not? Life does not end here...it goes on and yes indeed your prayers for blessing them yet, will have effect there for them." I have no idea if he is right...but I surely liked that idea...and yet still at times, ask GOD to give them some kind of extra rewards for being who they were to me (and many others). Seems to me everyone SHOULD feel an extra tie to their moms because our lives began within their bodies...and babies are somewhat aware of many things about their moms even before birth so we are told. So our tie to them is our strongest tie on earth (or is with the good moms at least). It is hard becoming the matriarch of one's family...the oldest orphan. Truly that is what we are now. Orphans. Tho' you yet have your dad...still, he can never replace your mom. EVER! Crying does help ease sorrow some. Yes, the day will come no doubt when you feel the physical pain less...but I still drop tears some thinking about my mom. I think with time...you will be able to write about here and you should. I have had some things in writing about my mom...a book, if you will, for my offspring to have at some point. Because they will never know my mom to the degree I knew her. She was only 21 when I was born. And I her oldest child...only daughter. Though the last time I saw her, 5 weeks before she died, she no longer knew who I was...yet knew my brothers...go figure. Neither who had talked to her all the years as I had...which to this day still hurts me. But I know NOW she surely does remember. I take comfort in that thought. As memories of your mom come, maybe you can write some...at least take notes so later when you are less emotional, you can write those stories down for your offspring too. Take care of yourself dear...take time to grieve in your own way. Ask for time alone from your husband and don't worry about Mitzie...dogs are SUPPOSED to help us grieve!! Mine did!! More than any human ever. Sending hugs and prayers you will feel better and derive comfort from somewhere!!
ReplyDeleteElizabeth xoxo
Thank you Elizabeth. Mitzie is a great comfort for sure. I appreciate all your words. I think that is indeed a special bond we have with our mums because it is a bond that starts in the womb, not that we don't love our fathers, and as a mother myself, I know how very much I loved my children even before they were born. HOpe you are settling in well to your new home. xoxo
DeleteOh marie, it’s so hard isn’t it, I know when my mum died I saw people everywhere going about their everyday lives thinking to myself how can they smile and laugh, don’t they know my mum just died! I felt so alone, the bitter pain does get a softer edge to it but I know for me it took time, you need to let go of guilt. Your mum loved you, she knew you loved her, that’s all that matters, it’s so easy to find more and more reasons to blame ourselves when in this sad place but she’s in heaven now, she’s not blaming you, she is happy and living with God, she wouldn’t want you feeling guilt, your memory journal will start when you can express yourself more easily without the rawness of hurt, take care my friend, it will get easier, it will never go away but becomes less bitter pain,
ReplyDeleteThank you Laurie, I think it is very helpful just to put a voice to how I am feeling. Love and hugs to you. xoxo
DeleteShe'll never be gone forever..trust me on this:)
ReplyDeleteShe will always be with you.
It's funny ..because even Jacques will say that I am SO goodnatured..well honestly I am but in my life a few things have happened that I still fester great resentment over.That I don't think will ever pass.And those are my not goodnatured moments deep in my thoughts.
Many things..I can forget..and don't even have to forgive because I am indifferent to the things that happened..Indifference is a powerful weapon.
It is not caring enough to even care:)
But in your case..I think with Todd..that will go away..not out of indifference..but because you both made the choice eventually..That's my humble opinion ..that all will be well:)
May I add that you describe the loss of a mother so well..that you are so fortunate to have tangible letters..and to have had all these years♥
That she is no longer suffering..that her last stay in hopital ..was meant for superheroes that are not real.That heal agically through the powers of cinema.
Poor mom..suffered.And that bugs me..to get old to have lived and given..and to suffer.
Surffering is beyond me.
The why of it all.
Take care Marie..treasure your memories..you are treading so well..you have surfaced you know..and all this writing is cathartic and healing.Beautifully said.
Thank you so much Monique. You are right, putting my feelings to paper as it were is very cathartic. Suffering is not anything I wish on any of my loved ones. My sister was in pain watching my mother's decline. We all were and I know my mom was becoming increasingly frustrated with life altogether. I know we will see each other again as you will your own sweet mother. Its just a matter of time. I am not in any hurry to get there mind you. I still have too much to do here. xoxo
Delete:):):)
DeleteYour feelings and sorrow are yours - they aren't wrong or right - they simply are. There must be no judgement in grieving - either by yourself or others. And the pattern changes - it will get better. My husband passed in Jan.of last year and there are days when it's ok and days when the yearning hits hard. But you are going to be alright and that is what your mother would want. She would not want you to harbor guilt. She was your mother, she loved you.
ReplyDeleteMary
ld want.
Thank you very much Mary. You are right of course. I am so sorry you have lost your husband and I dread that day even if at times I am really irritated with him. I try not to be. Love and hugs, xoxo
DeleteSending you lots of love. I know the missing never goes away but some of the pain does. Grief takes time though. And oh how sweet the day-YOU WILL SEE YOUR MOM AGAIN!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Anna. I know I will. I am just so impatient, and yet at the same time not in a hurry if you know what I mean. My dear sweet brave mother has paved the way for each of us. Love and hugs, xoxo
DeleteDear Marie~
ReplyDeleteI totally understand every single word of this post. Death is so very, indescribably difficult. I promise you that your mom is nearby, she is with you when you need her, she still loves you and completely understands why you could not be there when she passed...she loves you. I feel so much guilt because I wasn't at my mother's bedside when she passed as well. Thank goodness an aide checked in on her about the time that she passed and sat with her until she was gone. I am so angry with the facility for not letting us know that she was struggling, I am just angry! And yes, I sometimes take it out on those I love the most...my husband. You are not a bad person, Marie. You are kind, generous, gentle, loving, smart, funny, and very lovable. It breaks my heart to think that you think you are a horrible person...you are not a horrible person, you are just a wonderful person who lost her mom, and it just hurts so bad. I am so thankful that you are able to put into words the way you are feeling, what a wonderful gift. I tend to just stay away from anything that makes me think about the pain...including my blog...it's been neglected. I bottle up the tears and only talk about it with my sister, who also struggles. You are having normal thoughts...made even more difficult because of distance. I have a photo of my mom and dad in my living room, where I can see them and remember them...both gone...but truly never forgotten. It brings me lots of comfort many times during the day when I just need to see their faces. I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to hear her voice, touch her hand, brush her hair, rub her feet, tuck her in bed and kiss her cheek...it's so hard.
I think we are both just going through the natural stages of grief, and we each go through it at our own pace. Losing my dear, Cole, set me back a bit, but we just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and we get through it. Tomorrow, or today, will be a very hard day for you, but I know that your mom understands and will be with you. If we could just have a little glimpse through the veil we would understand and know how truly close they are!
Thank goodness for the knowledge we have in the Gospel. We will see them again, we will hold their hand, kiss their cheek and live with them for eternity!
Love you so much dear friend, you are always in my prayers and thoughts, you are stronger than you think, and loved more than you will ever know! XOXOX
Hugs and Love,
Barb
Thanks so much Barb. It is unreal that you and I are going through this same process at the same time. It is just so very hard. My intellect knows I will see her again and she is not far away, but my heart struggles to catch up with my brain. Love and hugs to you. xoxo
Delete