A new day . . .

 

Yesterday was not a good day. Oh. It didn't rain or anything like that. Or snow even. Nothing untoward happened. It was a day. Just like any other.  I played. I puttered. I got my work done.  Then I decided that I could not put off going to the store any longer. So, I went.

It happened on my way home from the shop. 

I usually like to take a certain route back because I like to drive into my garage from a particular angle.  Even if it takes me a bit out of the way, I will do things like that.  I learned how to drive all the way around Calgary never making left hand turns because we had only plastic covering the windows on the passenger side.  I am adaptable like that. I like to find my comfort zone and that is the route I will take.

So anyways, I turned down the street that goes past the town library, a church, the high school, Tim Hortons, the town rink . . .  the house that I was so enamored with as to think I might be able to buy it before I even came back to Canada. (How foolish were my dreams.)

The street was lined with cars and people were walking towards the rink and I thought to myself, there must be a big hockey game, probably pee wee.  People like to support the wee ones, their children, their nephews, their grandchildren and then . . . it hit.  

I thought about my grandson who plays hockey.  Liam. Five the end of March. My youngest son's son. The grandson I have never seen. The one grandchild I had so many hopes of being able to coddle and to cuddle when I came back to Canada as the others were all grown.  I never had the chance or opportunity to coddle or cuddle them.  I had hoped to coddle and cuddle him. (Again, how foolish were my dreams.)

My heart at that moment became weighed down with a grief and a sorrow that I cannot put a name to.  It was heavy. It weighed heavy.  I struggled not to cry so that I could see the road and get home safely, but . . . in that moment my heart shattered.  It lay in a million pieces around me.

And the weight of all that I have endured over these past few years lay heavy upon me.  And I carried it for the rest of the day. No matter how hard I tried to drop it or push it aside. It was just there. The pain and the grief. No amount of poking or prodding could budge it. I felt like my heart was screaming from the hurt of it all.

My middle son called just to say I love you and show off their new kitten, Sapphire.  And I was grateful to hear from him. It was a glimmer and a glint. We did not talk for too long. I had a pizza in the oven, and he had sausages in the air fryer. I try not to let the others know too much about how I feel. It is not their weight to bear.

I made a salad and ate a piece of pizza with it.  I was disappointed in the pizza.  Really. It was a frozen one. It ended up being a thick one and I really don't like pizza that is too thick. Why did I buy it?  I don't know. But I did and I ate part of it, froze the rest and will one day throw it away I know because, yes . . . it was that bad.

I finished my little embroidery pillow. I was/am quite pleased with how it turned out. For the most part anyways. I like the fabrics I chose for it. I had saved the ribbon from Elaine's gifts from Christmas. I always save the ribbons she puts on these.  It's always so beautiful. A treat.  Her gifts give from the outside in.  I used some of the ribbon to tie on the pillow. It was just the right color.

I had ordered this book from Amazon. I fell in love with it when I saw it. It ended up being much larger than I had supposed, but it is quite a lovely book. I do so enjoy pretty books. And if they are books of prose so much the better. As you know I really love poetry.  I think I should write my own book of poetry. Perhaps that could be cathartic.

Or maybe not.  Does writing out the pain help it to disappear.  Maybe I will try it and see.

All I know is I feel pain, deep rooted, deep seated pain.  And it does not ease.  It is always there like a rock sitting at the bottom of my soul, and every once in a while, it rises to the top like cream, except it is not sweet.  If I shake it, will it turn into butter?  Probably not.

 

And I know that there are people in the world who have far worse burdens to carry.  I pray for them daily. People who are without. I am really blessed beyond measure, and I do not take those blessings for granted.  Just every so often my heart bleeds for what it has lost, and I ache from the very marrow of my bones.  And it is not even what happened with Todd that hurts the most.  That is the least of my sorrows. This grief I hold is because of the son I have lost. And the daughter.  When they were small, and I held them in my arms I could never have known that one day they would treat me the way that they have done.  If you had told me then what would be now, I would never have been able to fathom it. Never in a million years.

There are people out there who do cruel things to their children and yet their children still love them. I think it is the not knowing that is one of the hardest things to bear.  What did I do?  Why was I never given the opportunity to know or to talk it out.  Even a murderer has his day in court, and a chance to defend himself.  What was my crime . . . 

We live in a cancel culture. I have been cancelled by people that I love for unknown reasons that I will probably never know. This is my grief to bear. And there are days I do not bear it well.

I am grateful for my faith. It is the only thing which is getting me through this.  That and the love of family and friends.  Forgive me for baring my soul, but I knew it would be safe with you  . . . 

Today is a new day.