Wednesday mutterings . . .

 

lackadaisical

adjective (lak-uh-dey-zi-kuh l)

without interest, vigor, or determination.

listless

lethargic

Lately I have been feeling a bit lackadaisical. I can't seem to get myself interested in much of anything. I go up to my craft room, with ideas in my head, but then I sit down in my chair and *pouf* all gone, or at least any enthusiasm for what I was going to do is gone. This is so not like the normal me.  I am usually overflowing with enthusiasm, for everything.

I want to be doing, but when it comes right down to doing . . .  I can't be asked.

 

I feel like I have really hit the wall.  In the past I have had plenty of visible reasons on occasion to feel this way, but right now I don't.   My husband has been cleared of cancer (fingers crossed it doesn't return), I have a cookbook coming out soon, I will actually be a published author.  That both excites and scares  me.  I have all that I need and am lacking in nothing physically really.  I have a great man who loves me, and a loving dog. I have tons of faith and a God who loves me more than I can even begin to comprehend.  Why do I feel this way?

 

Most days I feel like I am just going through the motions. Its like I am carrying this intense sense of grief on my back. I feel invisible, but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward, because I don't want to stand still.  I am afraid that if I choose to stand still, and give in to it,  I will completely lose it. 

The truth is

I think about my children every day, almost every moment of every day. I try not to.  It is like picking a huge sore scab.  I think I have moved beyond the hurt feelings and despair about them, the sense of loss,  but . . . something will happen, or be said, or not said . . .  and I realise I have not.  Its all still there. The hurt and the sad feelings are still there, and I don't know how to get rid of them.  I'll just have to keep praying for some sort of release from all of this. Its all I know how to do.  Its all I can do. Prayer can move mountains. Prayer has moved mountains. 

I love them with all of my heart, but they make me

really sad, really, really sad,

and they also make

me feel incredibly

angry.

frustrated.

alone.

and every day that I feel that way I think that the person

who left that really nasty comment on my blog a number of years ago is right.

I am going to end up alone and unloved at the end of my life

by the very people who are supposed to love you

forever and forever, no matter what.

I can see it happening

I can

Sometimes it is really hard to understand why we feel the things that we do, or why other people choose to treat us the way that they do.  It is all out of our hands.  We cannot make other people do the right thing.  We cannot make people love us or care for us. But boy oh boy, that doesn't mean that their lack of doing the right thing doesn't make us feel really hurt. I think perhaps I am suffering from a broken heart.  But its not like suffering from a broken heart which has been broken by a husband, or a lover, or a boyfriend.  Husbands, or lovers, or boyfriends can be replaced.  Children can not. 

And yes I know I am blessed . . .  they are healthy.  They are alive.  They are happy.  My poor Todd has lost ALL of his children.  He has outlived every one of them, which he always reminds me of when I start to feeling low about this situation . . . so I can't really talk to him about how I feel. He just doesn't and can't understand. So I hope you will forgive me for unburdening my soul this morning.

This too will pass, it always does.  I am not looking for sympathy or attention.  I really am not.  Any anyone who says or thinks that I am . . .  is wrong. I am just trying to unburden some of what my soul is feeling. I will just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and believing that some how, some way, some day . . . He will make it all right. I will let my faith continue to carry me through the abyss I face more often than not.   It can always, always be worse.  I  know this. 

Tomorrow is another day.

 

And I will.

I will never give up.

or give in.

 

In the English Kitchen today . . .  Heavenly Ham & Cheese Hots.

Don't forget . . . 

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And I do too.