Saturday 5 December 2020

Saturday ponderings . . .

Yesterday I realised its been four weeks since I made the journey over here to Canada. Like everything else this year, time has flown by amazingly quickly, which is what you want for a year that has been filled with seemingly nothing but bad stuff. Like many of you I am looking forward to 2021 and hoping that it will bring much nicer things to our tables. 

Lately I've been feeling a little bit like a car wreck. Do you know what I mean?  Its like when you are driving down the highway and all of a sudden traffic slows down and you get to wondering why.  Then all of a sudden you notice on the other side of the road that there has been a terrible car wreck and the reason traffic is going so slow is because everyone is slowing down, rubber-necking  . . .  trying to see what happened.  Driven by a morbid curiosity, or nosiness, or empathy (benefit of the doubt here), etc. who can say.  The natural inclination when something like this happens is for people to want to find out what has happened. To slow down and watch.

And they're probably all thinking . . .  poor devil, glad its not me.  That's only natural.

I hate being the car wreck. 

A bit like 2020 don't you think? 

Most of the time I am able to put everything out of my mind.  So long as I stay busy, I am quite capable of doing that. Its only when I slow down and start to think that my mind gets crowded with negativity and self doubting, and yes  . . .  hurt.  There is an unbelievable hurt there, a sense of betrayal that goes deeper than anything I have ever experienced in my life.  It is a bit like watching an incredibly sad movie and realising all of a sudden that the movie is your life. You can't just switch the channel or turn it off.

I find myself asking how is it that I find myself at the age of 65 having to start over again from scratch?   I am very tempted to ask why me?  But then I think why not me?  
There is nothing any more special about me than there is about anyone else in the world.  Tough things, hard things, hurtful things, awful things . . . they happen to good people all the time. Misery and failure are close companions which are no respecter of persons. Rain falls on both the unrighteous and the righteous all the time . . . and often without rhyme or reason. 
Did I deserve this?  Does anyone? I think not, but stuff happens. Life happens and one thing which life has taught me throughout all of the ups and downs is this. What matters most about these things is not so much about what happens to you, but more about how you learn to deal with it. 
 And I know, deep in my soul, it could always, always be worse. 

Call me crazy, but I believe that there is a purpose to be found in most things that happen to us.  Something positive to be able to take out of the negative. Often life is not fair. Always life is worth it.  Worth all of the pain and the anguish. We don't get to choose what happens to us more often than not. What we do get to choose is how we deal with it. 

Right now things be hard. Very hard. I would be lying if I tried to minimalise it or to say that everything is peachy keen.  Some  moments are far from it.  I have to take note of my blessings however, and there are many, many . . .  too many to hold in my hand. My cup does runneth over with them.

I have a wonderful family of wonderful people who are not afraid to embrace me and to help me when I falter.  My sister, BIL, brother and father have been so very supportive. So have my two older sons and daughter. My church has gone over and beyond to help me.  People out there, YOU, have been incredibly supportive and kind.  And I don't deserve it more than the next person.  But I am grateful for it, so vry grateful for it.  And I think there must be something redemptive about me that people want to do this.  And even when I am tempted to feel very unlovable, I can't help but feel very loved. 

I need to remind myself often that Rome wasn't built in a day. It is not going to happen overnight. It will take time and it will sometimes be really difficult but there is a new story ahead of me. There is happiness ahead.  I just have to deal with the hard stuff first and be patient. Most of the bad choices in my life have been made because I was being impatient. Not wanting to wait for the right thing to come along, or the right person, etc.

When the time is right, I will find me a new home and I will make it a place of comfort and peace and joy. A place where I can gather my family around me from time to time. This state of unrest and unheaval I find myself in is not a forever state. Peace will come. 

To be honest at the moment, I am done with ever hoping that I will find someone to share my life with other than my family.  I have failed miserably in that area not once, not twice, but three times. I clearly have no sound judgement as far as that goes, and I am not going to pretend that I do. Time has run out on that score.  I can accept that. I feel a bit like Lorelie in the Gilmore Girls at Lane's wedding reception when she says that Happily Ever After is not for her.

But what is Happily Ever After?  The answer to that question largely depends on me and the choices I make.  Faith.  Family. Friends. That is where my happily ever after be. I am okay with that.

A thought to carry with you  . . . 

° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~\。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ | 田田 |門 ★

The secret of change is
to not focus all 
of your energy on
fighting the old, but on
building the new.
~Socrates•。★★ 。* 。 

A tiny bit of frivolous in The English Kitchen today  . . .  Raspberry Candy Cane Danish. Deliciously simple!

Have a great Saturday!  Don't worry be happy. This too shall pass.   Don't forget! 

═══════════ ღೋƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒღೋ ═══════════ ⊰✿░G░O░D⊰✿⊰L░O░V░E░S⊰✿⊰░Y░O░U░⊰✿
═══════════ ღೋƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒღೋ ═══════════   

And I do too!      



  1. Good Morning from Ohio! I am on my way into the kitchen to make the buttery cinnamon cake which I saw posted on fb. Perhaps knowing that you make people happy for today with your recipes will lift your spirits. One step at a time. One day at a time. Have a good Saturday!

    1. Thank you very much Laura. Much appreciated. xoxo

  2. Well I wouldn't rule out not sharing your life again with someone if that should be a wish down the road..people marry well into their eighties..and you never know who might be wishing for a lifetime partner now..Probably the farthest thing form your mind..but one never knows.
    This was an unbelievable thing Marie..I have no words of wisdom at all..but you have the attitude to get through anything.That I know for sure.

    1. Yes they do Monique. But I am not looking for it. You are right though. Who knows. The future is largely unknown to each of us. We can but hope happy days are ahead. I think they are! We just have to get through right now. Love and hugs, xoxo

  3. Happily ever after begins one day at a time. There is no rush. You have the rest of your life. You are so blessed with love and support there, count your blessings and be happy. No need for regret.

  4. Who knows what tomorrow will bring??.....No one!
    Baby steps, say your prayers, count your blessings and hold your head high.
    Trust in the Lord that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, doing your best, living your life with love and kindness. Be good to you, you’re the only one of you, so take care. xo,V

    1. Thanks so much V, yes, I have to believe that the best is yet to come. xoxo

  5. Marie, you are in no way responsible for the end of your marriage to Todd, no way at all responsible. No one knows what the future will bring. Just be joyous in the moment. Love and hugs, Elaine

    1. Thank you Elaine. I love the idea of finding joy in the moment. Yes, lets all do that. Love you, love and hugs, xoxo

  6. Your positive attitude will see you through. So many people are feeling overwhelmed with the Covid situation and you have that and so much more on your plate. Don't forget to pat yourself on the back for all the wonderful things you are accomplishing. Just keeping a blog and posting every day is no small feat. The honesty you express shows self awareness and compassion. You have my admiration.

    1. Thanks so much Isobel. Blogging is great therapy for me. I am still, after all these years, amazed that people still read me! xoxo

  7. Oh, that Raspberry Candy Cane Danish looks delicious. I must try and make that one. Funny, but my husband has been doing alot of the cooking lately and he is a very good cook. He likes to and he enjoys experimenting with flavors and etc. I'm not sure I want to cook much anymore. He might take the Danish on himself.
    My dear friend, you are writing from the heart and I feel you sadness, but then I feel your hope too. I do feel you will know why this all happened at some point. There are reasons beyond just ourselves and there is purpose that you will see. I would say your sister and Dad need you. Then I believe your children need you and your grandchildren need to be around you. I picture you the perfect grandma. I know this will happen.
    Have a sweet reunion with them all.
    Sending love and hugs!


Your comments mean the world to me, and while I may not be able to address each one individually, each one is important to me and each one counts. Thanks so much!