Sunday 3 October 2021

Sunday morning ponderings . . .


I am sitting here this morning thinking and wondering how many people out there feel the same as I do.  I have so many things in life that I want to do, and not enough life or time left to be able to reasonably do them.  Perhaps I should set myself a goal and try to do at least one thing on my bucket list a week?  My days seem to evaporate away at the speed of light.

My brother told me yesterday, when we were talking on the telephone, that he hopes to be able to retire from working next Spring. I told him to go for it, but to also be prepared for his time to evaporate at the speed of light, for that is what happens when you retire. Suddenly you find yourself busier than ever. 

I have so much that I want to do, that I would like to do, and so little time left to do it in.


The alternative is being bored and I cannot see myself ever being that.  I have too much to do to ever be bored, but there are things that I don't want to miss out on.  Perhaps I need to do better at prioritizing my life.  Perhaps I need to do better at organizing my life, but then again . . .  I am a person who likes to have room in my life for change.  I don't ever want to be so set in my ways, so scheduled that I have no time for the impromptu.

I want to be able to just drop everything and go do whatever when the mood strikes.  Isn't that what retirement should be?  I am not sure.

Maybe I have ADHD . . . 

I am a dreamer and a thinker.  I like to sit and stare off into nowhere, waiting to see where my minds-eye takes me.  I used to love to go on long nature walks.  I still love to go on long nature walks, but my knees and ankles let me down. My nature walks these days merely take me to the end of the street where the green bin is and back again. I need to do something about that. 

I am a list maker  who can never stick to her list.  I have notebooks filled with lists and plans that have have gone nowhere.  I make menus that are never followed.  Grocery lists that are never stuck to. What is it with that?

One thing I am proud of however.  I made a resolution a while back to never allow my e-mails to go over a certain number and I have stuck to that.  

 But time and space still get away from me. What I think I might want to eat and cook all week on Monday, invariably goes by the wayside by Tuesday. 

I am well-intentioned. And we all know that the road to . . .  well  . . .  you know the rest  . . . good intentions and all that  . . . 


These last few days I have heard the Canada geese flying over, heading South for the Winter, not once but twice . . .  and this morning I have not opened up my front window and have gone back into my bedroom to put my robe on.  Summer has disappeared and once more I have not done all the things I wanted to do, like go to the seaside, or visit Briar Island, or go up to Port George to watch the seals.

I am like flotsam dashed by the waves against the shore. Plenty of foam but nothing of substance. 

I sat all ready to watch Conference yesterday, pencil and notebook in hand, and before it even started I was crying.  Thinking about all of the Conferences over the last twenty or so years that I thought I had a like-minded companion to share them with.  To share my ideas and love of the Savior with.  I thought of my mission which I so lovingly served on with all of me, and thought of how the sweet  memories of that are now tainted by the unspeakable .  .  .  

The glass birds in my window now look at a different landscape, quite different than the one they were intended to view.  And I feel sad about it all.  About all the time and energy and love wasted, and it just makes me sad.  

But I am trying to put it all behind me, and somedays I do really well at it and others not so well, but the not so well days are becoming fewer and fewer, which is a blessing in and of itself.


And people say I am strong and I am amazing, and I am inspiring  . . .  and yes, sometimes I feel that I am, but other times I am not and the burden of being strong and amazing and inspiring becomes too much for me. Because sometimes I feel so weak and so uninspiring.  And sometimes I just want to be able to erase all of it.  All that has happened . . . all of it . . . but you can't erase 20 odd years of your life and pretend they didn't happen, because they did.  There is no magic genie in a bottle and no falling star to wish upon . . . 

The magic eraser doesn't work here. 

I have only hope and faith. Hope in a better, brighter future and faith that its waiting for me. Days when these things of the past no longer nip at my heels and where the lists and plans that I make . . .  I'll actually follow. And some of those things on my bucket list, I will actually do.

And in the meantime I pray and I hope and I just keep moving forward.  I have ever so much to be grateful for, but that doesn't mean I don't sometimes stop and mourn.  I am like a widow without a corpse, and I don't know what to do about that. 

A thought to carry with you  . . . 

.° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~\。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ | 田田 |門 ★
 *.˛.°To everything there is a season
And a time to every purpose under the heaven;
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that
which is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal:
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones,
and a time to gather stones together.
~Ecclesiastes  •。★★ 。* 。
That's the trouble  . . .  we think we have time  . . . 

In The English Kitchen today  . . .  Cinnamon & Jam Biscuits.  Quick, easy and delicious!

Have a wonderful day . . .  I have three sessions of conference to watch and a bazillion comments to catch up on and respond to.  I will get there. I promise.  Don't forget! 

═══════════ ღೋƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒღೋ═══════════ 
═══════════ ღೋƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒღೋ ═══════════

And I do too!



  1. The geese are gathering here snd starting to fly in their V formations. I’m a list maker too. There is lots I still want ti do but frequently my body doesn't cooperate. I’m doing things at a slower pace.

    1. I am doing things at a much slower pace also. That could be why I am not getting as much done as I want to! xoxo

  2. I knew I was going to grow old but I didn't think it would happen so fast! But here I am 75 and not nearly as mobile as I would like to be. But I'm on the green side of the grass and that's all that counts. Enjoy your General Conferences. Love and Hugs, Elaine

    1. I know what you mean. It kind of creeps up on you doesn't it! I am enjoying conference. Thanks so much Elaine! Love and hugs, xoxo

  3. The geese are busy here also..
    Hmm lots to ponder..I dont have a bucket list..I hear about them all the time..I don't..
    One thing I do hear you loudly and clearly..are the twenty wasted yrs because I would feel that way too.
    The deception is unforgettable.
    But is a year ever wasted? Putting him had so much ..with church and friends and pets and learning..and love from different people.
    Rest assured you are not the only one..I have been made privvy to stories of deceptinon on husbands parts that are unbelievable.
    You're happy have do things..and your quality of life seems to the naked eye much better.
    Not much more I want to do at all..funny eh?

    1. I know I had many other things to be grateful for, but we did everything together when I wasn't working and once I retired, so it has kind of tainted everything. But no, not entirely a waste because I did accomplish a lot I never would have otherwise. So there is that to look at! My quality of life is exponentially better now I have to say. Not enough hours in my day! xoxo

  4. So true the time flies by. Even though we retire, as we get older it takes more time to do everything. I'm thankful for retirement and have enjoyed some happy days I wouldn't have had otherwise. Celebrate every day you get and be thankful for it.

    1. You are very right Pam! I agree wholeheartedly! xoxo

  5. I have some of your same issues...well, at least we are not bored eh?? I am sorry for your sorrow...I think big ones like this are just something most folks would have to deal with the rest of their lives. Hopefully it will at some point become less painful...but it has not been all that long yet really...I have sorrows too, not like yours, but ones that keep me awake and also trouble me some in the daytime too. Things I see no way to change ever. Do be encouraged however, Marie...after all, all those years you have done great work here on your blog...and been a help and encouragement to others as I am sure is the case with those you knew in person there in Britain too. I think often we never know the ways we help others...perhaps later we will. Take care, treat yourself gently...hugs, Elizabeth
    PS...for some reason the print went black here, no idea what caused it...sorry...


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