Sunday morning ponderings . . .

 

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I am sitting here this morning thinking and wondering how many people out there feel the same as I do.  I have so many things in life that I want to do, and not enough life or time left to be able to reasonably do them.  Perhaps I should set myself a goal and try to do at least one thing on my bucket list a week?  My days seem to evaporate away at the speed of light.

My brother told me yesterday, when we were talking on the telephone, that he hopes to be able to retire from working next Spring. I told him to go for it, but to also be prepared for his time to evaporate at the speed of light, for that is what happens when you retire. Suddenly you find yourself busier than ever. 

I have so much that I want to do, that I would like to do, and so little time left to do it in.

 

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The alternative is being bored and I cannot see myself ever being that.  I have too much to do to ever be bored, but there are things that I don't want to miss out on.  Perhaps I need to do better at prioritizing my life.  Perhaps I need to do better at organizing my life, but then again . . .  I am a person who likes to have room in my life for change.  I don't ever want to be so set in my ways, so scheduled that I have no time for the impromptu.

I want to be able to just drop everything and go do whatever when the mood strikes.  Isn't that what retirement should be?  I am not sure.

Maybe I have ADHD . . . 

 

I am a dreamer and a thinker.  I like to sit and stare off into nowhere, waiting to see where my minds-eye takes me.  I used to love to go on long nature walks.  I still love to go on long nature walks, but my knees and ankles let me down. My nature walks these days merely take me to the end of the street where the green bin is and back again. I need to do something about that. 

I am a list maker  who can never stick to her list.  I have notebooks filled with lists and plans that have have gone nowhere.  I make menus that are never followed.  Grocery lists that are never stuck to. What is it with that?

One thing I am proud of however.  I made a resolution a while back to never allow my e-mails to go over a certain number and I have stuck to that.  

 But time and space still get away from me. What I think I might want to eat and cook all week on Monday, invariably goes by the wayside by Tuesday. 

I am well-intentioned. And we all know that the road to . . .  well  . . .  you know the rest  . . . good intentions and all that  . . . 

 

(source)

These last few days I have heard the Canada geese flying over, heading South for the Winter, not once but twice . . .  and this morning I have not opened up my front window and have gone back into my bedroom to put my robe on.  Summer has disappeared and once more I have not done all the things I wanted to do, like go to the seaside, or visit Briar Island, or go up to Port George to watch the seals.

I am like flotsam dashed by the waves against the shore. Plenty of foam but nothing of substance. 

I sat all ready to watch Conference yesterday, pencil and notebook in hand, and before it even started I was crying.  Thinking about all of the Conferences over the last twenty or so years that I thought I had a like-minded companion to share them with.  To share my ideas and love of the Savior with.  I thought of my mission which I so lovingly served on with all of me, and thought of how the sweet  memories of that are now tainted by the unspeakable .  .  .  

The glass birds in my window now look at a different landscape, quite different than the one they were intended to view.  And I feel sad about it all.  About all the time and energy and love wasted, and it just makes me sad.  

But I am trying to put it all behind me, and somedays I do really well at it and others not so well, but the not so well days are becoming fewer and fewer, which is a blessing in and of itself.

 

(source)

And people say I am strong and I am amazing, and I am inspiring  . . .  and yes, sometimes I feel that I am, but other times I am not and the burden of being strong and amazing and inspiring becomes too much for me. Because sometimes I feel so weak and so uninspiring.  And sometimes I just want to be able to erase all of it.  All that has happened . . . all of it . . . but you can't erase 20 odd years of your life and pretend they didn't happen, because they did.  There is no magic genie in a bottle and no falling star to wish upon . . . 

The magic eraser doesn't work here. 

I have only hope and faith. Hope in a better, brighter future and faith that its waiting for me. Days when these things of the past no longer nip at my heels and where the lists and plans that I make . . .  I'll actually follow. And some of those things on my bucket list, I will actually do.

And in the meantime I pray and I hope and I just keep moving forward.  I have ever so much to be grateful for, but that doesn't mean I don't sometimes stop and mourn.  I am like a widow without a corpse, and I don't know what to do about that. 

A thought to carry with you  . . . 

.° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★

 *.˛.°To everything there is a season

And a time to every purpose under the heaven;

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that

which is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal:

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones,

and a time to gather stones together.

~Ecclesiastes  •。★★ 。* 。

 

That's the trouble  . . .  we think we have time  . . . 

In The English Kitchen today  . . .  Cinnamon & Jam Biscuits.  Quick, easy and delicious!

Have a wonderful day . . .  I have three sessions of conference to watch and a bazillion comments to catch up on and respond to.  I will get there. I promise.  Don't forget! 

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And I do too!