Keeping it Real . . .

 

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Normally I would do an "All Things Nice" post on Saturday.  Just a part of my trying to hold things together in my mind and my life,  and an exercise in dwelling on the positive.  It has been a year since my life started falling apart, and almost a year since I walked totally away from my life in the UK.  This has been a year of tremendous growth and healing for me.  Am I totally there yet?  No, probably not, but I am trying each day to just put a positive foot forward and to make the best out of the hand of cards I have been dealt.

I still have days where the pain of it all is so raw that I feel as if you scratch the surface I will start to melt, just like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy threw water on her.  A seemingly benign substance that in the end was the witch's complete undoing.    

I am trying my hardest not to let that happen. I have been incredibly blessed over these months to have surrounded myself with people that have only my best interests at heart and who have supported me in every way that they can, mentally and otherwise. My faith has also helped me a great deal. I do not know where I would be now without it.  

Overall I think, all things considered, I have done remarkably well despite having come through a very difficult and heart rending experience.  My friend Jacquie said to me yesterday, most people having gone through what I have been through would have ended up in a mental institution.  There are days when I don't know why I haven't.

 

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 For the most part people have been very kind and understanding with me.  People have been very supportive and caring. I am and will always be very grateful for that. You all know who you are.

Occasionally however there is one person throughout the whole experience who has exercised  a form of passive aggression against me. Its like they say, oh  . . .  a scab.  Let me just pick it a tiny bit and see if it bleeds. 

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals appear passive on the surface but are really acting out anger in a subtle, indirect, or behind-the-scenes way. Instead, they express their anger by subtly undermining the object (real or imagined) of their resentments. 

This has been expressed in a number of ways, but usually via private comments that, whilst not totally aggressive on the surface, have been designed to tug at the scab which, on some days,  is all that is holding me together.  I do not know what they hope to accomplish with this.  I mostly try to ignore it, but a lot of the time it really bothers me and it does exactly what it is intended to do.

It has manifested itself by a host of many small and tiny words and comments . . . digs, intended not to support but to tear down. 

I do not know what I have ever done to this person to cause this. I can't think of anything that immediately comes to mind, and believe me when I say I have tried.  I have come to the conclusion that none of it comes from a place of love, but from a place which means to do me more harm than good. 

 

I am no longer going to tolerate it. 

 

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I have blocked them.  And it pains me to have to do that. I am so not a blocking kind of a person. I am the type of person who has a really difficult time understanding behavior like that because it is so opposite to the way that I am.  I have forgiven everyone in my life who has ever hurt me.  Totally. I may not forget, but I have forgiven. Forgiving doesn't mean you have to forget.  Anyways, I have blocked them in every way that I can, and hopefully this will put an end to the problem.

I cannot block them from reading what I write on here however.   The best I can do is to ignore their responses. But I do have a final few words for them. 

Blogging for me has never been about the numbers of people who read or who comment. Its only ever been about me being able to express myself.  People can either read or not read. Of course I am most appreciative of those who comment, and I try to respond to each and every comment when I can, but I am not perfect. And that goes for comments on here, on the kitchen blog, on my personal and EK face book pages, Twitter, Instagram, etc.  That requires a lot of time and energy but I don't mind. If you can take the time to comment, I can take the time to respond.  

The number of comments you see on either blog or social media post is by no means a reflection of my readership.  Many people also prefer to be private and I get some really lovely e-mails and messages in private that nobody else ever knows about.  I do really appreciate the effort people make to communicate with me.

Do I express my recipes with a lot of photos on Instagram? Yes, that is just what I do. Corny or not. I try to present things from every angle that I can. Ofttimes I simply can't decide which is the best photo to use. Nobody is under any obligation to swipe and many don't I am sure.  I am just grateful for the opportunity to share and that goes for everything. My photos on IG, on Twitter, my FB page, my blogs.

Am I a Diabetic?  Yes. And yes I do love food. All kinds of food.  Do I have things in my life that I am not proud of?  Yes.  I am human. I sometimes eat things I shouldn't and I have a past that is not entirely spotless. Nobody has lived a spotless and perfect life. I do like to think that I am a kind individual however, and I would never kick a person when they are down, or attempt to make them feel any worse about things than they do already.  I ascribe to the rule of Thumper's mom. "If you can't say something good, then don't say anything at all." 

I have been through a horrendous year and then some.  Its not a year that I would wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy.  I am incredibly grateful for all the help I have had along the way.  I am swimming as fast as I can here.  And sometimes I take two steps forward and sometimes I take three steps back, but I am getting there.  Some days it takes all of my energy to just stay on an even keel and act like everything is okay when really it is not.  I don't want to bore people with details or feelings.  I know they get tired of hearing it. I get tired of hearing it, but it is what it is.  And I say none of this because I want or deserve a pat on the back, or because I want pity (that's the last thing I want!). I just want you, Miss Passive Aggression,  to leave me alone.  You who delights in being the enemy of my soul. 

This passive aggressive behavior has escalated of late and I am  putting a stop to it now.  I will no longer give you a voice or a toe-hold in my life.  I wish only the best for you, but I no longer have space for you in my life. Its that simple.  I love me more than that. 

 

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My sister and Dan popped over yesterday morning so that Dan could take my summer tires out of the back of my car and put them in the garage.  I am so grateful for that. He's so good to me. It was pretty obvious to my sister however that all was not right. She knows me so well.  I am so grateful for her. I wish everyone had a Cindy in their life. I hope that it works both ways.  She had not long since left to go home when she messaged me and said did I want to go to Gouchers etc.  So we went on a short road trip and it was so good to get out of the house and just be with her.  I am so grateful for this easy friendship that we have with each other and for the love that we share. 

 

I get emails from Jenny of Elefantz.  She does beautiful embroidery and quilting etc.  I just love it. In the latest e-mail there was a free pattern for this potholder. Yesterday my sister and I went to the fabric store so I could get a couple of fat quarters to make one, or maybe two or three. We will see! 

I picked up some fat quarters. A red and a green one for the potholder and then I couldn't resist the bee fabrics. I love bees on everything.  I really hope that it turns out the way I want it to. The pot holder that is.  I don't have my roller cutter and rulers, matts, etc. that I had in the UK, but I can make do for a small project like this. I don't expect our Grandmother's had them either.

We went to the Superstore after for a few bits.  Dutchies!  They had Dutchies!  We both love Dutchies.  (this is a Canadian donut, shaped like a square donut, lightly spiced, filled with sweet raisins and glazed.)  I got a pack of two and guess what we ate in the car on the way home!  To heck with the diet.  They were pretty darn good too! 

It was just really nice to be out and about with my sister. I love her so much. I am going there for supper tonight.  Homemade Cabbage Rolls! I'm bringing dessert.

 This is the shawl I am working on. Surprisingly the kittens don't seem to bother me when I am crocheting it. Mind you the yarn is kept in a small plastic bag right next to me. It seems to work well. I like the way it is shaping up.

Also a painting I have been working on. A watercolor.  I just have a few more bits of snow to do. Painting with the kittens around is a lot harder to cope with.  lol  They like to be involved. 

Yesterday I had a spectacular cake fail and I discovered this morning that the bottle of apple cider I bought must be faulty because it had emptied itself out into the door drawer I had it on and leaked down through the whole door, etc.  I had to clean up that mess first thing this morning.    Its all just  a part of life.  Today should be better!  I needed to clean the fridge door anyways!

A thought to carry with you  . . .  

° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★

*Its time for you to start taking 

the necessary steps to become

that version of yourself that

you can't stop dreaming about.

•。★★ 。* 。•。★★ 。* 。 

 

I don't have a new recipe to share in the kitchen today but I am sharing this old one.  Cinnamon Drizzle Cake. Its delicious!  

I hope you have a wonderful Saturday and weekend.  Whatever you get up to be happy, and don't forget! 

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And I do too!