Thursday 15 September 2011

All about Dragons . . .

Having stayed in a Valley (The Eden Valley) which is steeped in tradition and folklore this past week it has been very hard not to get caught up in all the mysticism and romance of the area. Breathtakingly beautiful . . . and yes, at the same time there is an air of wildness and romance that abounds . . . conjuring up visions of princesses, castles, knights and dragons. This is a place of myth and magic, where in the twilight before logical history, fearful stories filled men's imaginings . . . one such being that a fearsome dragon haunts this valley . . .

Dragons can be pretty unpredictable at the best of times . . . but, over these past few days, there are certain things I have worked out on how best to deal with them. I would beg that you humour me now:

Do not wear armour when visiting with a dragon. Dragons like to roast you in it and then shell you . . . somewhat like shelling a prawn. (Dragons also like to play with their food. You do not want to be seen as somewhat of a plaything.)

Ladies, please do not wear long romantic frocks . . . you’re toast! There is nothing a dragon enjoys more than watching whispery swirls of melting fine silks and linens disappearing in a puff of smoke . . .

Do not engage in the sharing of riddles . . . Dragons live for thousands of years and so have had a lot of time to work out some really tough ones, and all of the answers. A bored dragon can be very difficult to deal with.

Be respectful, do not display aggression of any kind, and do avoid direct eye contact. It may be seen as being quite, quite rude. Politeness and diplomacy are the best course to take, always.

Do wear fireproof underwear, just in case. (Note: It is extremely important that you make sure your underwear is clean. Dragons are ultra sensitive about this, and have a very keen sense of smell.)

Never tickle, irritate, or otherwise disturb a sleeping dragon. Wait quietly until it decides to awaken. Likewise don’t try to steal anything. Dragons always sleep with one eye open.

When a dragon deigns to address you . . . DO speak confidently, cheerfully and respectfully. Dragons do have a sense of humour and appreciate an intelligently spoken witticism or good joke, so please do bear this in mind when deciding on a topic of conversation.

Most dragons happen enjoy “tummy tickles” and a friendly scratch behind the ear. They also really like hot mugs of tea, warm buttered crumpets, and chocolate biccies . . . only M&S please, not Belgian . . . they are anything if nothing else loyal to Britain, and have very discerning tastes . . . It goes without saying that all goodies must be served properly of course! This is not the time to hide the best china or any other culinary valuables.

Always . . . but always . . . wipe your shoes before entering a Dragon's cave, irregardless of the sign. Mi Casa may be su Casa in some circles . . . but never forget dragons do like a tidy casera, and cannot abide muck of any kind. (Remember the underwear??? Need I say more???)

NEVER, but never interrupt a dragon that is singing, reading, reciting poetry or history, or otherwise occupied. Patience is always a virtue.

Do not ask for treasure . . . this is the most quickest way to become a piece of Dragon toast.

Do be prepared to give a dragon a modest gift or token of appreciation . . . an up to date credit card, designer watch, recently topped up mobile phone, etc. Any of these will almost always be rewarded with a gift of much greater value.

Do not yawn or fidget if a dragon sets out to tell you about the doings of his ancestors, previous conquests, contest winnings, lottery almost wins, etc. This is considered to be very rude. Likewise his holiday pics and slides. Be prepared and bring popcorn.

If , and this is a very big IF . . . offered hospitality . . . accept without question or delay. The dragon likes you, and this will result in a handsome gift . . . enduring friendship.

Lastly . . . remember a dragon is for millennia, not just for Christmas.

PS. – Never . . . but . . . NEVER try to touch a dragon’s teddy bear, hot water bottle or blankie!!!

If you'd like to read about our delicious lunch yesterday, do visit The English Kitchen.

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