Today . . .

 

To the dragon 

any loss is total. 

His rest is disrupted 

if a single jewel 

encrusted goblet 

has been stolen. 

The circle of himself 

in the nest of his gold 

has been broken. 

No loss is token.

~Kay Ryan 

Tomorrow it will be one year since we lost our mother. On the 13th it had been a year since I last heard her voice or spoke to her. I will never forget her last words to me and I never want to.

Sadly this past weekend we lost another much beloved family member.  My sister's youngest son Ben, with the twinkly blue eyes, passed away very unexpectedly in the wee hours of Saturday morning. He was only 29 and leaves behind a partner and a young son.  I think we are all still in shock. Its been a bad, bad year. A sad, sad year.

I do not know what it feels like to lose a child, a brother, a sister, a husband, a father  . . .  and I cannot pretend to know. I do not know what to say, or to do. Everything seems like its not enough, will never be enough.  I feel totally inept, helpless,  I cannot comfort my best friend in the world. My heart mourns with hers, but it is not the same. I know that. If I could take this pain away from her I would, but I can't. My arms are not long enough to reach across an ocean of water, and land and time to enclose her.  I can hold her in my heart and in prayers that are meaningless to her, but I will never be able fill the hole. I know that.

This sweet, sweet woman . . .  who was once a girl that harboured baby birds with broken wings, and cared for sick field mice, who has stood by my side through the thick and the thin, who nursed my sweet mother through the last days of her life, and who now lovingly takes care of my aging father . . . this is not fair, life is not fair.

We expect to lose parents and spouses, friends perhaps.  Nothing prepares us for the unexpected loss of a child. We are supposed to go first.  We are not supposed to be the ones left behind. I have no words for that sorrow. It is incomprehensible, unspeakable, and heartbreakingly cruel.

All I can do is to love her and to be there for her as best as I can for when and if she needs me. I will pray the prayers, as meaningless as they might be for her, because I still believe in their power, and I can not  . . .  will not . . . believe that this fragile life is all that there is.  I do not understand the cruelty of it and cannot fathom the why's of how things happen, but I do know and understand love. And so I love as best as I can, for as long as I can, and however I can . . . and all I can do is to hope that is enough, even though in my heart I know that it isn't and never will be.

It is not about me.  Please keep HER in your hearts.