First you cry . . .

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Well, it was not the greatest news at the Doctors yesterday morning. First I was half an hour waiting to get in for my appointment as the Doctor was runnning very late. I was feeling very nervous for some reason, probably because I have felt for a while that something was wrong . . . when I was finally called Todd went in with me.

The report said that I had a bulky uterus, with the endometrial interface focally thickened towards the fundus, measuring 5.6 mm, with a trace of fluid within the cavity. My ovaries were normal in size, but the left one holds calcific foci and a shadow and the right there are two punctate echobright foci, which sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo, the end result being I have been given an urgent referral to the Gynological Department of the Countess Hospital, so now it is a waiting game to see what comes next.

At first you are a bit stunned when you read all this, because bad stuff happens to other people and you have been leading such a charmed life that it can't be happening to you, right? And then you cry. Because you realize that this bad stuff isn't happening to anyone else. It's happening to you. And so you go home, trying to put a brave face on things, but your lower lip begins to quiver just a bit and the tears start to leak out and then you can't hold it back and you cry . . . because you are the most afraid that you have ever been. Monsters under the bed are nothing compared to this.

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I had a Grandmother who was taken away from us far too soon because of Uterine Cancer and a much beloved Aunt with Lung Cancer . . . the same, too soon. My mother survived Breast Cancer, thankfully. It has always been a fear niggling at the back of my mind. One that I keep largely subdued for the most part, but yesterday it reared it's ugly head and stared me right in the face.

I did the worst thing anyone could possibly do. I got on the computer and started searching google to see what I could find out and the news was not very promising at all . . . curse you google. That big "C" word kept popping up all over the place. Todd had to go into town and so I tried to keep very busy all afternoon. I baked and cooked and planned for my RS Activity tonight . . . I got our supper ready, and then I went to the shops.

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I decided a pity party was in order. Todd had meetings last night and so I would be on my own. I bought myself some chocolate custard. I love chocolate custard. I used to buy baby food chocolate custard just for me. So I bought a tub of chocolate custard, just for me. I bought a box those expensive Borders Cookies . . . the ones that are all full of butter and goodies. You get a dozen for about £3. I got the Blackforest ones . . . again chocolate and filled with chocolate chunks and dried sour cherries. I got myself a big bag of Doritos and a jar of salsa, and a bottle of 7-Up. (I did get Diet 7-Up)

So last night . . . after Todd left . . . I sat and ate 4 cookies, (They were good. I might have one for breakfast.) looked at the tub of chocolate custard and decided it could wait for another day, had a few doritos and a dollop of salsa. I said a huge prayer, and then I put on my big girl panties. You know the ones. They are the ones that say you can meet anything head on and win. Pity Party over.



It might never happen. That is my mind set now. It might never happen. And if it does . . . well, I'll deal with it then. I'm still scared, but . . . optimistically scared, if that makes any sense! Any prayers and happy thoughts would be much appreciated. I hope that I don't have to wait too long for the hospital appointment.



*Roasted Carrot and Ginger Soup*
Serves 8
Printable Recipe

This is a lovely soup for these cooler autumnal days that we have been having recently. Roasting the carrots with some maple syrup really helps to bring out their natural sweetness, while the ginger and garlic provide a wonderfully spicy undertone. It truly is delicious!

1 kilogram of carrots
2 cooking onions, peeled and each one cut into eighths
1 1/2 inch length of gingerroot, peeled and cut into matchstick size pieces
4 fat cloves of garlic, peeled
3 TBS mild flavoured olive oil
4 TBS Grade B Maple Syrup
2 1/2 pints chicken stock (can use vegetable stock if you wish)
sea salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
To serve:
creme fraiche
chive sprigs

Pre-heat the oven to 220*C/425*F. Peel the carrots and cut them into sticks, roughly the size of your baby finger. Place them into a large roasting tray along with the onions, whole garlic cloves, and gingerroot. Drizzle the oil and maple syrup over all, and toss gently with your hands to coat them well. Roast the vegetables in the heated oven for 45 to 60 minutes, giving them the occasional stir, until they are very tender and slightly browned here and there.

Cool slightly, then add half the chicken stock to the pan. Stir and scrape as much of the brown bits from the bottom as possible and then tip the whole mixture into a large soup pot. Take your stick blender and puree the mixture until it is smooth. (alternately put it into your liquidizer and puree it) Add the remaining stock. Taste and adjust the seasoning if need be. Heat well and then serve in hot bowls with a dollop of creme fraiche on top and a few chive sprigs for garnish. Enjoy with some crusty hot bread.



Cooking in The English Kitchen today, a delicious Two Ingredient Pumpkin Cake with a Cider Glaze.