Orange pant suits, pajamas and legacys . . .

 

Well, you will be happy to know that the guitar is no longer residing on the wall of our lounge.  (Yes!)  Its still in the lounge, but not on such prominent display. I don't think men see things in quite the same light as we do, in fact I know they don't and once upon a time I had an orange coloured pant suit to prove that point. 😲  Orange has never been my favourite colour choice when it comes to dressing myself (olive complexion) and to be honest . . .  dressing like a prison inmate just isn't the way I like to roll.  At least not on purpose at any rate! 

I had a lovely conversation with my brother last night.  It was only going to be voice to voice, but I relented and allowed it to be face to face.  I was in my pajamas and didn't have any makeup on.  I am not sure if I had even brushed my hair, but I thought what the heck, he's my brother and has probably seen worse and so we did face to face. 

 

I love my brother very much.  I know I don't talk about him a lot on here, and I am not sure why that is.  Probably because I know he is a pretty private person when it comes to things like this, and I respect that. I really love my brother. He is a really wonderful man, great husband, brother, father . . .  son.  He has a wonderful witty humour that he can deliver with a straight face, and holds an interesting perspective on many things.  When I was much younger and living in London, Ontario .  .  he had finished University and was living in Ottawa, Ontario (where he still lives.) We used to have long philosphical conversations on the telephone just about every Friday morning. We talked about many things, but mostly about faith and things of a spiritual nature.  I have always cherished those talks in my heart. 

He and his wife Chris lived in Japan for a number of years, where their two oldest daughters were born, and he was quite fluent in the Japanese language, which I believe has freaked out a few Japanese people from time to time, as I believe he is able to speak it without an accent.  Just on the side, he is also able to perfectly mimic Apu Nahasapee from the Simpsons cartoon, probably largely due to his having had to conduct business in India quite a bit with his last job, so he is well travelled. 

 

And he knows a good book when he sees one.  He and his wife Christine have been married for a very long time now.  In fact, he's the only one in our family who hasn't been divorced, which is a huge testimony to his ability to make the right choices out of the gate and their hard work and determination to make things work the way they should.  I greatly admire both of them.  (They have four lovely girls.)

Anyways, we had a really lovely conversation last night, and even my sister was there off and on, and I found it really healing.  I think I had been feeling a bit disconnected and left out I suppose, being all the way over here.  It was nice to be able to connect and to talk and to laugh and to maybe even cry a bit. We talked for quite a while.  It was good. We need to do it more often. None of us are getting any younger. 

 

My sister and I have spoken just about every morning on messenger.  I have enjoyed our conversations and have really looked forward to them.  She's been keeping me very well informed along the way.  You know how close we are, despite our many differences and views on certain things like religion and politics . . .  somehow that has never mattered.  I like that we can be our own selves with each other, and are able to maintain a closeness that is a special gift in and of itself. We've just always been close.  As children we shared a bed for many, many years, and a bedroom for almost all of our years growing up. I love my sister with all of my heart as you know.  This has been a particularly difficult time for her as you can imagine, and will continue to be so for many months to come, as she is right in the thick of it. 

 

Thank goodness she has Dan by her side.  Dan is like the unsung hero in all of this.  My sister did a wonderful job of caring for my mom over these past years, but Dan was right by her side all along the way, and helping too. He kind of gets left out a bit when it comes to appreciation.  My mother loved Dan and thought the world of him.  I know he loved her too. This loss has also affected him deeply.  I have not had the priviledge of meeting Dan in person yet, but hopefully one day.  I know he is a special person for many reasons.  First of all because he pulled up sticks and moved with my sister down to the Valley, no questions asked, and at a great sacrifice.  Secondly because he treated my mom very well and with love, and he does the same to my sister, and my dad too.  He IS family and I hope that he knows that. 

Its interesting to note that it took both my sister and I three times to get it right.  When we got it wrong, we got it spectacularly wrong, but when we got it right, we got it very right. 😊   

 

So now begins the journey of learning how to live within a new reality.  A reality with a huge hole and tear in it.  A hole that will never, ever truly be filled, and I am quite sure it is a hole that I never want to be filled . . . . because there was and is only one person who can or could ever fit into that space. Each of us have to learn how to live and move forward without the tangible presence of my mother, who has been ever-present in all of our lives. Hopefully,  with time . . .  the pain and tears we feel from her loss will be more and more replaced with the joy and gratitude of having been blessed with her presence in our lives, and the comfort of our happy memories. The relationships we grow and share with others really are the single most important thing in this life. Family is everything, be it the family you were born into and grew up  with . . .  or the family you choose to create for yourselves and grew into, or maybe even a bit of both.  There is nothing else to take with you when you leave this planet, and nothing else which matters more.  It is a living breathing legacy which is eternal, and  one which flows backwards through the generations which have passed,  and forward through the generations to come.  It is a most precious gift indeed  . . .  priceless I would say. 

A thought to carry with you  . . . 

° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★
 *Walking, I am listening to a deeper way.

Suddenly all my ancestors are behind me,

Be still, they say.  Watch and listen.

You are the result of the love of thousands.

~Linda Hogan   •。★★ 。* 。•。★★ 。* 。 

 

In the kitchen today  . . .  a Roasted Chicken Banh Mi, the sandwich of Viet Nam.  Very tasty.

Have a great Monday and don't forget  . . . 

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And I do too!

Sunday morning this and that . . .

One of my greatest treasures is a small book of poetry by Edna Jacques. It was published in 1950 and its cover is worn and tattered.  My mother had a copy of it in our bookcase when I was growing up and it was one of my favourite things to read.  I have always loved words and the poetic exercise of putting them together in just such a way as to delight the soul.  I was so pleased a number of years back when I was able to procure a copy of the book.  Edna was a Canadian poet who wrote about the sometimes harsh life of living on the prairies, but mostly they celebrated the daily experiences of Domestic life . . .  right up my alley!

I think of mother when I see

tall chestut candles on a tree,

my mother always kept a light

for us when we were out at night.

I think of her when roses shed

their petals on a flower bed,

like silken dresses spread to dry

beneath a breathless summer sky.

The smell of new bread makes me see,

the old farmhouse that used to be.

A place where laughter, joy and tears

journeyed down throughout the years. 

White Christmas days ... star studded nights,

the heavens filled with Northern lights.

Warm evenings in the summer time,

an old brass cowbells homely chime.

I think of her and all she meant,

the grace and kindliness she lent,

to every common household chore;

her welcome ever at the door 

I am so rich in memories

of ordinary things like these.

A loaf of bread . . . a porch light on

an old dog sleeping on the lawn. 

 

I was reading through them yesterday and noted that this was one of her favourite poems in the book, so thought I would share.  Yesterday was a real mixed bag of emotion as you can imagine.  Highs and lows.  

 

This was one of the highs.  Ariana and Grace stopped by and spent some time with us.  Grace enjoyed one of the cookies I had just baked.  She has such a sweet little personality.  Oh, how I love her, and how I love that she is a part of our lives.  

 

This was one of the lows  . . .  now you know, this is just a battle waiting to be fought don't you. 😬  Early in the day Todd took our coffee table to a charity shop.  I loved my coffee table, but there just really isn't room for it in our lounge, so we bid it goodbye.  He came home with a guitar, which I thought to myself, nice  . . .  he's going to learn to play a guitar, everyone needs a hobby.  And then this morning I came downstairs to see this ⇑  

There is just no way, NO way this is going to be living

on my livingroom wall.

No, no, no, way. 

 

This is the house my mother was born in.  It is up on the South Mountain in Inglesville and was once my Great Grandparents house.  It was much nicer when my mother was a child growing up and living in it.  I don't think anyone is even living in it anymore. 

Mom's funeral was yesterday and I was so excited that I was going to be able to watch it online as it was happening.  Sadly there was no sound so I was unable to hear anything. This is something I wrote to be shared at the funeral.  My oldest son read it. You can go here to read it if you want.  Apparently my brother was given a disc of the funeral, and he has put it on YouTube, so I am going to go and watch it a bit later.   

 

Our Douglas sent me this.  This is all of our five children at the funeral, left to right, Amanda, Bruce, Anthony, Eileen and Doug. It was nice to see them all together. Very proud of my kids.  Love them so very much.

  

I wanted to say thank you for all of the support, prayers, love and cards etc. that you have all so generously given to me and my family over these past couple of weeks.  All have been very much appreciated.  I am hoping that things get more back to normal now, or maybe a new normal . . .  we will see.  Healing is all a part of the journey.  I want this to be a happy space.

A thought to carry with you  . . . 

° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★
 *If you are on the right path,

it will always be uphill.

~Henry B Eyring   •。★★ 。* 。 

 

Baking in The English Kitchen today  . . .  Mom's Butterscotch Slice & Bake Cookies. 

Have a wonderful Sunday.  Don't forget along the way of your day  . . . 

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And I do too!

The price we pay . . .

 

"Whether on this earth or among the angels,

The heart and soul connection between

a mother and child lives

forever."

My mother's funeral is today. I won't be there, but will be able to watch it via a video link on the page of the funeral home. I am hoping I can figure out how to hook up once the link is posted. It may appear that I am relatively tecch saavy, but in reality I am not really very saavy at all.  If you are interested in seeing her obituary, you can find it here.  

I have been struggling a lot this week, which is why I haven't written.  I still feel in a daze and  a bit like its just a bad dream that I can't wake up from. I've been trying to stay really busy.  I don't think the guest room or my craft room have ever been tidier.  Being busy means I don't have to think, because as soon as I stop the grief crashes into me like a bus and knocks me over all over again. I understand completely now the saying which goes  . . .  "Grief is the price we pay for love."

I can't believe that when my mother was passing over I was completely oblivious to the event.  I always thought I would know the exact moment it occured.  I didn't.  We had Tina and Tony here and I was sitting on the sofa enjoying their company. It was not until after they left that I turned on my computer and saw the messages to call my brother, and my heart sank because I just knew whatever it was, it wasn't good.  

Despite all the pain and anguish I have found some things to be very grateful for:

She was not alone. My sister was there with her holding her hand, etc.  I was so distraught thinking she had been all on her own when she passed over.  When I finally talked to my sister I learned that the life support had not been turned off until my sister was with her and holding her hand, whispering words of love. I am so sorry that my sister was on her own, but I am so grateful that my mother wasn't.

I am grateful that I was able to contact my ex-husband so that he could go and break the news to my oldest daughter so that she would not be alone when she found out.  Because of her challenges she struggles to understand and cope with things like this. I wanted her to be told in person and by someone who loves her as much as I do.  Wish granted.

All of my children have been able to get home for the funeral, safe and sound.  With the weather being the way it is, I was so worried that they would not be safe, but God is good and the ones who had to drive from a distance are there.  I am grateful that all of them made it.

I am grateful for modern technology which will allow me to be there, even though I am thousands of miles away. 

I am grateful that my mother is not suffering any more.  That she is in a safe place and free from all of the pain and the memory loss and  that she is whole again, and reunited with loved ones who have gone on before. 

I miss her terribly and will until the day that I join her, but in the meantime, I am grateful for the comfort that the knowledge of the Gospel brings to me, and the things that I know in my heart to be true.  For the faith that has had to sustain me over and over again during these past days. 

I am grateful for all the love and prayers that I have felt lifting my family and I from all the corners of the world.

I am grateful for a friend who thought to bring us a meal the other day and for my sister's friend who thought to do the same for them.  The old ways are still honored by some and it is such a comfort.

I am grateful for a brother who is able to keep a clear head and get things done, even if he is a bit abrupt at times. Somebody needs to have a clear head, and to have to do the things that he has had to do this week, whilst grieving as much as my sister and I . . . I do appreciate his efforts.

I am grateful for a husband who has been here right by my side, and for Mitzie.  Both have been a great support and comfort for me over these past days.  I don't know how dogs know you are in pain, but they do, and they try hard to make up for it.

I am going to try hard to get back into the swing of things after today.  I think that is the only way to move forward, to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter what.  Standing still is not an option for any of us. I would ask that you keep my sister in your prayers.  She has not only lost my mother, but so much else.  I am grateful that she has a wonderful partner to share her life with, and who supports her so lovingly . . .   and I am especially grateful for the loving care they both tendered to my mother over these past five and a half years. I hope she knows how much I love and esteem her . . .  the both of them.

"We can't fully appreciate Joyful Reunions later 

without tearful separations now. The only way

to take sorrow out of death is to take Love out of life"

~Russel M Nelson