Wednesday This and That . . .

 

 

(source) 

Ever have one of those days?  You know the kind I mean.  The kind of day when everything seems to get on top of you and you can't catch up with it.  A day where you just want to curl up into a ball and tuck yourself away somewhere and never come out.

Its been a long time since I have had a day like that, but yesterday was just such a day for me. I hate days like that. I try to be so upbeat most of the time.  I have had enough sadness in my life without adding to it, and in the context of what so many others in the world are going through at the moment, my worries seem trivial at best.

But sometimes I succumb to the bad feelings, and the fears . . .  and I just start to feel down, down, down . . . 

It was nothing I could really put my finger on and it was everything at the same time. Stupid really.

 

(source)

Those are the days I miss my mom the most, although I miss her every day.  In all truth I would probably never be able to express to her feelings and thoughts like I was having yesterday.  I would have kept them close to my chest. I do that a lot of the time anyways. 

Its like if so long as I don't say things out loud then they aren't happening, or I don't have to fear them, or they don't exist. I am a great procrastinator at heart. Most of the time it works for me, but occasionally it bogs me down.

My poor sister . . . she must feel sometimes like she has inherited another child. It should be the other way around. How incredibly blessed I am to have her in my life.  It is a great blessing to have someone in your life who loves you as much as we love each other.  And my brother too. 

I guess sometimes I just feel like the family train wreck, moving from one crash to another. I often feel like the family joke. Not that anyone makes me feel that way. They don't.  "I" make me feel that way. Like the only thing I am really successful at is at failing.  Failed marriages. Failed relationships with my children . . . I'm fat, I'm unattractive, I'm nothing  . . .  sometimes those feelings just crowd in.

I know where it comes from.  The adversary. He wants us to feel all those things.  He doesn't want us to feel good about anything.

 

(source)

I'm a bit of a worry wart when it comes right down to it.  I worry about catching Covid. I worry about getting cancer. I worry about the three of my children I do have a relationship with cutting me out. I worry about not being able to pay my rent, my utilities, my taxes. I worry about my one source of income drying up. I worry about dying all alone and nobody finding me for days and days.  I worry about losing all my savings. I worry about worrying . . . 

I also have a guilt complex.  I have always felt guilty for things that I haven't done.  In a crowd of people I could be the only one without chocolate cookie crumbs around my mouth and if someone yelled out "Who ate all the cookies?" I would immediately go into guilt mode and swear everyone must think it was me, know it was me, even if I knew it wasn't me.  Does that make sense?

In Glee Club in Grade six, Mrs. Huber said someone was singing flat in the choir and I immediately thought she meant me. I only mouthed the words to the songs for the whole rest of the year, just in case it was me.

 

(source)

I did kind of shake it all off by the end of the day. I went out to pick up my prescriptions, and had a wander about.  I picked up some rapid Covid tests  at the town library. I went and got gas in my car. I came home and made a sandwich that I could only eat half of and then I ate three cookies that I didn't really need to eat or want to eat, but they were there.  I was only going to have one, but three called my name.  I had no sooner eaten them than my sister called and wanted to know if I wanted to come over for pizza. Dad was paying.  I said I couldn't eat anything really (I wasn't hungry at all then) but I would come over anyways.  I had some salad and brought a piece of pizza home for my lunch today.  It was just nice being with Cindy and Dan and dad.

The weirdest thing happened on the way home. As I was driving past Tim Horton's this lady came running at my car holding a sign.  Right into the road. I thought I was going to hit her. I almost hit her.  It really spooked me to say the least.  It was actually quite frightening.  I could see where she had a lot of bags of stuff sitting on the sidewalk.  I think she wanted  ride somewhere, but it was really scary the way she was going about it.  I just waved her off, but a part of me felt guilty, like I should have been giving her a ride to where she needed to go, even if it was halfway across the province.  And another part of me felt sad that she was so desperate.  Still another part of me thought WTH?  I was worried she was going to get hurt and I thought about calling the police, but then I thought to myself, she is probably having a worse day than I had been and calling the police would be making it even more worse.  And so I didn't.

Also on the way home I saw my son in law and waved to him.  I had told my daughter that I wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be on to talk yesterday. Sure enough I got a message from her saying her husband had seen me in my car, driving home from my sisters,  and she thought I wasn't well enough to talk. What's up with that?  GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY  

This morning I am going to the accountant to figure out my taxes. (FEAR)  Then this afternoon the lady is coming to do my feet. My arthritis is making it very hard for me to do them now.  It is the same gal who used to do mom's feet. If I recall correctly she can talk a mile a minute. I want to tidy up before she comes so I better get off here and gather my stuff together.  I hope I don't end up having to sacrifice my first born child to pay my taxes. (WORRY)

Oh how blessed I am that I have earned enough to need to pay taxes. That is the positive side.

And this  . . . 

 

Mr. Personality Jake cooking something up. He sure looks like his mom in this photo. A beef stir fry, and apparently it was really good too. I love that my grandchildren like to cook.

A thought to carry with you  . . . 

° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •

•。★★ 。* 。

° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚

˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛

˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★

*If you don't think you have any blessings,

remember your heart is still beating.

•。★★ 。* 。•。★★ 。* 。 

 

In The English Kitchen today  . . .  The Croissant Turkey Club Sandwich.  Delicious!

Have a wonderful Wednesday. Whatever you get up to, don't forget! 

═══════════ ღೋƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒღೋ ═══════════ 

⊰✿░G░O░D⊰✿⊰L░O░V░E░S⊰✿⊰░Y░O░U░⊰✿
═══════════ ღೋƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒღೋ ═══════════     


And I do too!