Learning to Forgive Yourself . . .

“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect he becomes an adolescent. The day he forgives them he becomes an adult. The day he forgives himself he becomes wise.”
~ unknown

I came across this quote the other day and I immediately thought to myself, Wow! This is really thought provoking. I have struggled with self forgiveness most of my adult life. The intellectual part of me knows that there is nothing I can do about the past but the heart part of me still wants to kick myself for whatever misdeeds I feel I have done.

I think most of us are like that, to a degree. I can forgive others of pretty much everything they have done to me in life, (forgetting is a little bit harder, but then again, that’s a whole nother subject) but when it comes to forgiving myself, I am a much harsher judge on me than anyone else could ever be, and, as far as forgetting goes, well . . . I’m afraid that those things that we’d like to be able to forget, they seem to stick with you in your mind forever.



The saddest part of not being able to forgive one’s self is, that it gets in the way of our being able to live the best life possible. We can either be miserable for the rest of our lives and wallow in that misery, or we can give ourselves permission to heal, and I’m afraid it’s an on-going process and won’t happen overnight, or at least it hasn’t for me.

Forgiveness is something we have to decide to do for ourselves. Nobody else can make that decision for us. When we don’t forgive, it’s like we are cloaking our eyes in a mask which distorts everything that we see, and wants everyone else around us to look through that same mask. Forgiveness is taking off the mask. Not forgiving, is like carrying an anchor around our necks and trying to walk through life wearing it, allowing it to drag us down. Forgiveness is like taking the anchor off, and leaving it behind, striding forward in confidence and walking away from it, lightening up and being able to enjoy your life again. It has nothing to do with worthiness, yours or anyone else’s. When it comes right down to it, we are all worthy.



We must choose to love ourselves, and I don’t mean that in the self centred, selfish “I am the be all and end all” type of way. I mean just quietly and simply, accepting ourselves for who and what we are, and allowing others to do the same. If we can’t love ourselves, how ever can anyone else love us? If we can’t love ourselves, how can we heal? Guilt is something we use to cover up everything negative and bad. When we feel overly guilty, we commit the ultimate betrayal of abandoning ourselves. Yes, we should be sorry for the things we have done, but we should also learn to let it go once we have acknowledged our sorrow, or we will never be able to heal ourselves.

Part of being able to forgive yourself, is understanding that we don’t have to be punished, and giving ourselves permission to let go of the pain that our misdeeds have caused us. We need to be more realistic about ourselves, and the expectations we hold for ourselves. Why should we be harder on ourselves than we are on others? Ask yourself if you would be able to forgive someone else had they done the same thing, and then . . . Forgive yourself. Let it go . . . We cannot change the past, it’s dead and gone. We can only change the future, and we do that by learning from our mistakes, and by taking what good we can from the past and moving forward in faith . . . leaving the things we know we cannot change behind.



Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean that you should forget what you did or said that might have injured another or caused yourself distress. To forgive yourself doesn't mean you aren't responsible for what you did or said. To forgive yourself simply means you realize that you might have done something differently if you had known how. Forgiving yourself means you recognize that you didn't know how to do something differently, and to realize and accept that you have learned by your mistake. As someone once said, experience is what we get right after we need it. When we know better, we do better . . .

It's fig season! I love figs and I was able to get some lovely punnets of them at the shops yesterday for a very reasonable price! I could eat figs every day . . . in tarts, in cakes, in pies, but here's another delicious way to enjoy them that is quick, fairly easy and really quite wonderful as well!



*Fresh Fig Salad with Feta Cheese and Toasted Walnuts*
Serves 2

You can easily multiply this salad to serve more people. It’s fruity and refreshing and wonderful change from ordinary green salads. It’s very quick to put together and you can have it done in not time at all. With a bit of crusty bread and butter on the side it makes a nice light lunch!

4 fresh black figs, medium to large
2 ounces of feta cheese
2 ounces of walnut halves, toasted* and roughly chopped
DRESSING:
2 TBS Walnut Oil
1 tsp white balsamic vinegar
½ tsp Dijon mustard
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

Put the vinegar, oil, mustard and a good pinch of salt and pepper into a small bowl and whisk it together well. Set aside until you have the rest of the salad ready.

Wipe the figs gently with some damp paper towelling. Trim the stem end and cut them into quarters. Arrange them on individual plates in an attractive way. Crumble one ounce of feta cheese over each and scatter the walnuts over top.

Give the dressing another quick whisk and then drizzle it evenly over each salad. Serve immediately.

*To toast the walnuts heat a heavy frying pan over high heat and then toss the walnuts into the pan and toast for 2 to 3 minutes, stirring frequently. Remove and set aside to cool.