Love these socks. Wish I knew how to knit. They are just so darned cute with the ruffle on top. My ankles can't take short socks now. In fact I need to wear knee socks these days. I buy special Diabetic ones that don't cut into my legs. Ahh, the pleasures of getting old. My dad sometimes says that getting old is a crap show, and sometimes I have to agree with him, but it does beat the alternative. Each day we are given is a blessing. Some days are good. Some days are pants. I am not sure who said it, but somebody once said that getting old is not for sissies.
Leaving church yesterday, all the women were given a little bouquet of Daffodils, which was a very nice gesture. Then last night at my sister's, Cindy had a rose for me. She and Dan had been to the cemetery and left some roses for mom. Cindy takes very good care of mom's gravesite. She also left roses on my Aunt Freda's grave and our grandmother, great grandmother and I am not sure beyond that. But I am sure that they left lovely sparks of color after the long grey winter.
Cindy is just a very thoughtful person. I wish I was more so myself. I am too forgetful to be thoughtful I think.
Dan and Dad bought us KFC last night for supper, which was nice of them. Its not something we eat very often. It made a nice change and Cindy didn't have to cook. I am most grateful for them including me each Sunday. Next Sunday I am going to take us all to Farmer's Family Diner restaurant for a supper out. I would have done it yesterday, but thought it would be super busy for Mother's Day. They have lovely, family style meals there, and the food is very good. I must remember to call ahead and make a reservation for us. They are a bit out of the way, but the place is clean and the food is all homemade. Its like going to your grandmother's for a Sunday Dinner.
I had facetimes with my two older sons yesterday, which were nice. I was at my sister's when Doug called so he said he will call again on Tuesday when he is off. My daughter Eileen messaged me and said she has a card for me which is nice. I did not hear from the other two, but I had not expected to. It has been many, many years since I have heard from either of them for Mother's Day or for any other day.
I wished all of my daughters-in-law and daughter's Happy Mother's Day wishes on Facebook for which I was rewarded with my youngest son taking me off his Facebook and blocking me. I am not sure what I did wrong, but I give up. I will not be reaching out to him or my youngest daughter any longer, or their children. Every time I do I get hurt and humiliated, and my heart gets broken all over again.
They make me feel like a rubbish mother, even though intellectually I know that I was not, that's just how they make my heart feel, and I am done feeling like that. This is not about me, its about them.
I just don't understand it and I probably never will, but I know I am not alone. There are thousands and thousands of parents that are treated the same way. Knowing this does not make it any easier to bear. For years now I have tried to do the right thing, despite their doing the wrong thing. Now I will just stop doing anything. Its very clear to me that is what they want. For me to stop reaching out. Its just life I guess. We all have our sorrows to carry, and this is mine. There is not a lot I can do about it.
I hate how it makes me feel. I hate that it robs my life of joy and darkens it with sorrow. I hate feeling worthless and unwanted and unloved. Unaccepted. Rejected. I know that is the adversary wanting me to feel all those things and I hate giving in to those feelings. When I was a child I was bullied a lot at school, and it just makes me feel that way all over again. Like I don't belong.
This is not me feeling sorry for myself. This is me feeling hurt, in a way that nobody should have to feel, and by the very people who are supposed to love us.
I am done feeling that way. I will not subject myself to it anymore.
This week we will continue to clear out some things from dad's place in readiness for his move to my sisters. I know it seems like it is taking an inordinately long time and it really is. There is only Cindy and I to do it. Dad is not that helpful really. He likes us to be there and he likes to watch, but he is not very pro-active when it comes to any of it. I know a lot of that is because his mobility is compromised, and I know that it is very hard to watch your life being dismantled, and having to give up a lot of what you have collected.
It is making me rethink my own stuff. We are going up to New Minas later this week to drop a bunch of dad's stuff up at Value Village and I think I am going to add some of my own stuff to the pile. You would not think that I could have gathered stuff to get rid of in the few short years I have been back here, but it does accumulate. Like the bedspread that I bought that I ended up not liking. The yarn I bought for projects I will never make, and so on.
I am a collector. Books. Yarn. Fabric. Art and craft supplies. And don't get me started on Art Stickers. 😐 I have collected a ton of Art Stickers and candles. Why? I don't know. I told Cindy the other day, don't let me buy any more candles. She told me, don't let me buy any more chicken. And what do we do? We buy more. Time to draw a line in the sand. lol
I would love my house to look like that room in the photo there. Admittedly it is devoid of any personality, but to me it is also quite refreshingly clear of chaos.
Well, I have gone on for long enough this morning. Time to get on with me day. I have three recipes I need to cook today so that I can free up some time this week to do other things and I best be getting on with it all. There is a part of me that just wants to go back to bed.
A thought to carry with you . . .
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And I do too!
Difficult to take rejection from family, it is their loss as well as yours. You tried and tried. A dull day here, been rainy on and off for the last several days, looks more of the same today. Long and hard work cleaning out your Dad's home. Slow and steady wins the race. Have a good Monday.
ReplyDeleteI have tried very hard and for many years Linda. Last night in bed I decided it is now time for me to just cut the ties for my own emotional well being and health. When people make you feel like you don't want to be alive any longer, then its time to make a change. I am worth more than that. I will still be here for them should they ever need me, but I am not going out of my way any more. Yes, it is very hard work clearing out dads. Makes me think about what I am leaving behind for my three children to deal with. I need to do better. xoxo
DeleteSometimes it takes a lifetime to recognize value in another person. It may never happen. Rejection is a power play. To know that the rejection is having an impact gives it the momentum to continue. Walking away, REALLY walking away, takes the stuffing out of the power play.
ReplyDeleteWell, I am done. I am truly walking away this time. Its time to value myself in this situation.
DeleteWell said. Very insightful
DeleteHow very difficult and shortsighted when people chose to be estranged…life is truly short. I am sorry for this struggle for you. The heart can only take so much, find joy and kindness where you can, give happiness where you can… and that’s the best anyone can do in this life. You and Cindy and Dan are doing the best for your Dad…and each other! God bless and happy new week. Sincerely, V.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless you as well V! Thank you. I am grateful for Cindy, Dan and Dad, and my other three children. Best family ever. xoxo
DeleteI totally don't expect you to publish this comment--but I've wondered did Todd get to them? Is that why they're so angry? And you didn't know about it? Hugs!
ReplyDeleteNot at all Melanie. He is in prison and not in touch with any of them. It is more likely the influence of my ex and the step mom, but at the end of the day they are adults and should know the difference between right and wrong. It is just mean spiritedness. Thank you though! xoxo
DeleteSweet blog friend, you have many family members who adore you but that rejection by a few is painful. Think on Philippians 4:8. I have perhaps too many art stickers and candles too, we are twins in that.
ReplyDeleteIt is painful and I am tired of always feeling so hurt and demeaned. That is why I am stepping away. Philippians 4:8 is a lovely verse. That whole chapter is lovely. Thank you! xoxo
DeleteThey get joy from inflicting hurt. They obviously feel they are punishing you over and over for some unknown reason. Walk away, permanently and rejoice in the relationship you have with the others who obviously love you so much.Angharad
ReplyDeleteWell, Marie, your decision is wise, I think (and if others cut all ties, we must go along with that anyway, in this country to do otherwise would be to invite problems from the police). One thing Hubby and I have learned in the past couple decades is that not only is it OK to protect ourselves and take care of ourselves, in every way possible, but we have an OBLIGATION to GOD to do so...it is a good deed to do things that help ourselves. And though 1 day possibly your thankless kids may see the trees in spite of the forest, thus see for real all the reasons you had to make decisions that you did in life. Often children will blame the blameless parent instead of the guilty. It is an odd thing. A kind of blindness obviously. I do understand coming from being bullied at school too. NO ADULT STOPPED IT...finally when I got to be 7th grade, grew fast and was bigger than many, I was able to physically punish those who physically hurt me. That is part of what just drives me crazy about this culture...why no one will step in to stop things. My little 11 yr old granddaughter has gone thru so much stalking and bullying at school the past 2 years (one awful boy) that my daughter told me the other day she had a migraine (1st time). There are some results from bullying that never leave us ever in this life, for sure. I am sorry for what happened to you. But thank GOD, you have 3 lovely kids who love you, share their children with you, etc...those are the ones you need to do for and with!! Pour all the love you have into those who obviously so want you!! Sending hugs,
ReplyDeleteElizabeth xoxo
Thanks Elizabeth. I am sorry you were bullied as a child. It does have a lifelong affect on you and your self esteem. I am sorry your granddaughter is going through it as well. They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I am going to do as you say, pour my love into the ones who already love me. Love and hugs, xoxo
DeleteThere is a blogger I read named Susan "Honey" Good. at honeygood.com
ReplyDeleteShe mentions that she has a Facebook group, and a workbook, for estranged mothers and grandmothers. I'm not familiar with it but maybe would be helpful?
I will look her up Marceline. Thank you for your recommendation! xoxo
DeleteI have felt a bit as you do over hurtful family relations. I have learned that taking the power away from them is an immense help. People to whom you give no power can not possibly hurt you and you are free from them and their small minds and hearts. Try it; you’ll be lighter and happier.
ReplyDelete