Yesterday I realised its been four weeks since I made the journey over here to Canada. Like everything else this year, time has flown by amazingly quickly, which is what you want for a year that has been filled with seemingly nothing but bad stuff. Like many of you I am looking forward to 2021 and hoping that it will bring much nicer things to our tables.
Lately I've been feeling a little bit like a car wreck. Do you know what I mean? Its like when you are driving down the highway and all of a sudden traffic slows down and you get to wondering why. Then all of a sudden you notice on the other side of the road that there has been a terrible car wreck and the reason traffic is going so slow is because everyone is slowing down, rubber-necking . . . trying to see what happened. Driven by a morbid curiosity, or nosiness, or empathy (benefit of the doubt here), etc. who can say. The natural inclination when something like this happens is for people to want to find out what has happened. To slow down and watch.
And they're probably all thinking . . . poor devil, glad its not me. That's only natural.
I hate being the car wreck.
A bit like 2020 don't you think?
Most of the time I am able to put everything out of my mind. So long as I stay busy, I am quite capable of doing that. Its only when I slow down and start to think that my mind gets crowded with negativity and self doubting, and yes . . . hurt. There is an unbelievable hurt there, a sense of betrayal that goes deeper than anything I have ever experienced in my life. It is a bit like watching an incredibly sad movie and realising all of a sudden that the movie is your life. You can't just switch the channel or turn it off.
I find myself asking how is it that I find myself at the age of 65 having to start over again from scratch? I am very tempted to ask why me? But then I think why not me?
There is nothing any more special about me than there is about anyone else in the world. Tough things, hard things, hurtful things, awful things . . . they happen to good people all the time. Misery and failure are close companions which are no respecter of persons. Rain falls on both the unrighteous and the righteous all the time . . . and often without rhyme or reason.
Did I deserve this? Does anyone? I think not, but stuff happens. Life happens and one thing which life has taught me throughout all of the ups and downs is this. What matters most about these things is not so much about what happens to you, but more about how you learn to deal with it.
And I know, deep in my soul, it could always, always be worse.
Call me crazy, but I believe that there is a purpose to be found in most things that happen to us. Something positive to be able to take out of the negative. Often life is not fair. Always life is worth it. Worth all of the pain and the anguish. We don't get to choose what happens to us more often than not. What we do get to choose is how we deal with it.
Right now things be hard. Very hard. I would be lying if I tried to minimalise it or to say that everything is peachy keen. Some moments are far from it. I have to take note of my blessings however, and there are many, many . . . too many to hold in my hand. My cup does runneth over with them.
I have a wonderful family of wonderful people who are not afraid to embrace me and to help me when I falter. My sister, BIL, brother and father have been so very supportive. So have my two older sons and daughter. My church has gone over and beyond to help me. People out there, YOU, have been incredibly supportive and kind. And I don't deserve it more than the next person. But I am grateful for it, so vry grateful for it. And I think there must be something redemptive about me that people want to do this. And even when I am tempted to feel very unlovable, I can't help but feel very loved.
I need to remind myself often that Rome wasn't built in a day. It is not going to happen overnight. It will take time and it will sometimes be really difficult but there is a new story ahead of me. There is happiness ahead. I just have to deal with the hard stuff first and be patient. Most of the bad choices in my life have been made because I was being impatient. Not wanting to wait for the right thing to come along, or the right person, etc.
When the time is right, I will find me a new home and I will make it a place of comfort and peace and joy. A place where I can gather my family around me from time to time. This state of unrest and unheaval I find myself in is not a forever state. Peace will come.
To be honest at the moment, I am done with ever hoping that I will find someone to share my life with other than my family. I have failed miserably in that area not once, not twice, but three times. I clearly have no sound judgement as far as that goes, and I am not going to pretend that I do. Time has run out on that score. I can accept that. I feel a bit like Lorelie in the Gilmore Girls at Lane's wedding reception when she says that Happily Ever After is not for her.
But what is Happily Ever After? The answer to that question largely depends on me and the choices I make. Faith. Family. Friends. That is where my happily ever after be. I am okay with that.
A thought to carry with you . . .
° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★
*.˛.°The secret of change is
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★
*.˛.°The secret of change is
to not focus all
of your energy on
fighting the old, but on
building the new.
~Socrates•。★★ 。* 。
Have a great Saturday! Don't worry be happy. This too shall pass. Don't forget!