Tender mercies . . .

 

Last night, just as I was getting ready for bed, the hurtful, negative thoughts started.  And I don't know why they came. There was no real reason I suppose. It started with, You will probably die all alone. You will always be alone.  You will have to work now until the day you die.  There is no rest for you. What if I suddenly lose my ability to support myself, what if  . . . what if  . . . 

Then there was a bit of anger at he who created this mess.  I started thinking about how young I was when Todd and I got married and how if he had been honest with me from the beginning, I would have had 20 years to build another life, maybe find a decent man to share the rest of my life with, a real partner in life. Someone to spend the Winter days of my life with . . .  to not be alone in the Winter of my life  . . . 

I hate it when those thoughts come. There is nothing about them that is uplifting or healing.  Its like I am taking two steps backwards instead of a step forward.

Of course the tears always come.  Frustration. Pain. Anger. Hopelessness. Fear  . . .  its all there in this mass of negative feelings.

I pushed it back like I always do and then got into bed.

I have been reading this book by Emily Belle Freeman entitled "Even This."  I read a chapter every night when I get into bed and ponder on what I have just read for a few minutes afterwards . . .  prior to saying my prayers.  The title of the chapter I was reading last night was "The Reflecting Place." 

"It is the end of the day, and I spend a moment in reflection as I have been doing for months now. This is where I trace God's love. It has become a necessity, an end-of-day ritual.  A soothing before the slumber. It is the pattern of my life, but tonight I will add a second piece. Tonight I will add something new.

After I trace the goodness and express gratitude, I will look back on the day through the moments that someone else might overlook, and I will try to pinpoint the times when I have faltered. The times when fear took over, when I let the bitterness of unmet expectations begin to rise, when I want to retake control. I will focus on the moments when I failed to trust. I will acknowledge them, and once I have recognized my mistake in them, I will let them go." 

 

As soon as I read those words it hit me.  How does He know?  How does He know when to succor me just when I need it?  Why does the thing I need to see always appear in front of me just when it needs to seen? How is it that the intangible always becomes tangible to me? 

Be still and know that He is God.  That was my very next thought.  

Yes, maybe I will end my days alone, physically, but I am NOT alone and I need to remember that. He IS always with me.  The God who has brought me this far is not about to drop me, or leave me, or abandon me.  He knows how the story ends.  I need not falter. I should not falter. I will not falter.

Let it go  . . . just let it go  . . .  

 

Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Psalm 55:22 Cast your burden on the LORD, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

Doctrine & Covenants 84:88 And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.  

He knows the beginning from the end.  Weeping may remain for the night, but joy always cometh in the morning. 

 

Its okay to feel angry and hurt, disappointed and maybe even a little bit afraid, but it is not okay to let those thoughts consume you.  Have them. Acknowledge them.  Then throw them away. You don't live there anymore. 

 

So my food blog has been updated.  I just need to get the Mediavine thing working on them again and quickly. That is my goal for today, and I am really hoping that I can get it sorted today.  I cannot afford to lose any income with that.  It pays my rent! 

I am really liking the new user friendly look to the blog. Its clean and its fresh.  I have a few tweaks to make, but it should all settle into place soon! (Fingers crossed!) 

I have a lot to get done today, including Relief Society (which I participate in via Zoom) so I best get my skates on. I already watched church via Zoom at 6 o'clock this morning. I will sure miss it when that option ends. I like revisiting my old Ward in Chester every Sunday.  It has been an extra special comfort to me over these past months. As things open up however I can see that will end. It can't go on forever, although I wish that it would.  Being spiritually nourished twice on a Sunday has been a special blessing for me!

A thought to carry with you  . . . 

.° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★

 *.˛.°You're always one decision away

from a totally different life.•。★★ 。* 。

In The English Kitchen today  . . .  Berry Angel Pie.  This is quite simply delicious. Quick and easy to make as well! 

I hope you have a lovely Sunday. Its a bit overcast here this morning. I am not sure what the day will bring. I hope its nice because Dan is golfing today and I want him to have a really nice time.  Whatever you may get up to, don't forget! 

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And I do too!