Wednesday Witterings . . .

 

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 I decided to have toast and jam for my breakfast this morning.  That is not something which I have very often at all. Jam is a rare treat for me because I am a diabetic and I only have a thin smear of it on the toast. Just enough to get a taste of us.

When I was eating it I was reminded of my ex-mother-in-law Elizabeth. She passed away a couple of years ago now, but I can remember sitting at her dining room table eating toast together in the morning with jam.  She would break off little bits of her toast and each bit got a spoonful of jam on it.  Oh, how she enjoyed it.  Watching her do that somehow gave me permission to do the same.

It was far too much jam, and far too sweet. But she was in heaven.  I don't think she really ate unless people were visiting her. And when we were at her place, she loved to go out for dinner and brunch.  Pizza, etc. There was an all you could eat Breakfast Buffet in Charlottetown that she loved to go to with us. Her treat.  And she would eat at least six desserts. No mains. Just the desserts. And she would scrape all of the filling out of her piece of pie and eat just that, but she would scrape and scrape and scrape until she might just as well have eaten the crust all the same.

She had a really sweet tooth. So did my ex.  I never really had a sweet tooth back then. We were not brought up in a home where we were indulged with a lot of sweet things. Christmas and Easter were pretty much the only times we had baked goodies and sweeties. Oh, and Halloween. Our mother couldn't control that.

 

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We have been enjoying a week of rainy, cloudy days. Not quite as cold as it could be, but not warm either.  I can deal with rain. I got more than used to it when I lived in the U.K. They loved talking about the weather there. And they had plenty of it.  Weather, that is.  I remember my first year there it rained every single day.  If it wasn't coming down in torrents it was just in the air. Mist.  There were loads of floods in the Southern part of the country as there often is. That was the year I learned that you don't melt in the rain, and that if you stayed indoors because it was raining, you would never get anywhere or do anything. We did not have a car then so going out in the rain was just what we did.

I was a bit annoyed about it because the stepmom had told my son that he wouldn't want to go to England because it rained all the time there, and I did not like her being right about it. Petty I know.  Life is what it is.

 

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That is a bit like my week is going this week.   I make plans in the evening for what I want to do the next day, but then the morning rolls around, and they all go south. 

My foot lady was supposed to be here at 9 am yesterday to do my toenails.  That came and went, then 10 came and went, 11.  No foot lady.  So, I put something in the oven, and just as I was doing that she called and asked was she supposed to come, and could she come now??? I told her, give me half an hour because by then it was 11:30, and I just wanted time enough to be able to get what was in the oven done and out of there.   I had also taken out my sewing machine thinking I might get some sewing done, so I needed to get that put away.

 

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A lot of people are putting up their Christmas Decorations now.  I don't know how to feel about that.  Is it too early?   I was watching a girl on YouTube decorate her new home with her family yesterday.  Forgotten Way Farms.  Watching them put up their Christmas things made me feel a bit sad actually.  She had boxes of things she had been collecting for years and years, everything holding sweet memories for them of years gone by and Christmas's enjoyed together as a family.  I think I started to feel a bit sorry for myself, which I really hate doing. I thought about all of the beautiful blown glass ornaments I had collected over in the U.K. and the nativity sets. The Jim Shore Angels, etc.  I don't know what happened to any of that stuff.

And then I thought of all the Christmas ornaments that I had created myself and collected when my own family was growing up and how when I had to move out of the family home, my ex kept all of that stuff, and I wondered where it had all gone to. All those memories I had made for our family and things the children had made.

It just made me feel really sad.  There is a part of me that just wants to take every penny I have and go out and buy all new stuff so that I can have Christmas in my home now, but that wouldn't really change a thing and so I won't.

I just feel a bit hum buggy about it all.  I had bought all those lovely Christmas cards to send out and then the darned Post Office goes on strike.  Party Poopers. They know how to pick their moments, and it is always at Christmas.

So, I guess no, I am really not feeling like it is time to put up the Christmas Decorations. Not now anyways.

I guess I am just feeling a bit blue this morning. My brother has his appointment with his Urologist on Friday to discuss treatment. He is pretty sure he is going to lose his kidney and some lymph nodes.  Not the best news really.  It all makes me feel really sad.  It also makes me feel like burying my face in a cake or a bag of potato crisps. But, of course, none of those things are good things and would not change anything.

The reality is that when the people I care about get bad news like that I always think that it should be me.  That I am the one who really deserves to get the cancer diagnosis because I am the one who has totally messed up their life.  That I am the one who doesn't deserve to be happy, or healthy, or successful, etc. That if life was really fair, it would be me, and not them.

And it's not fair. Not really. My brother deserves so much more out of life. He is a good, good person. A much better person than I have ever been or will ever be. 

And then I have to remind myself of this.  I had hoped to do a video today. I have the fruit for my fruitcake macerating right now.  But now I don't feel like it. My heart just isn't in it, or in anything really.  So, I will end this now, believing that tomorrow is a new day and that somehow on the other side of today, things won't seem so bad.

A thought to carry with you . . .

° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •

•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★

 *.˛.°It isn't hoarding if
your stuff is really cool.
~unknown° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •

° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •

In the English Kitchen today, Open Face Tuna Melts.  These were really very good. I enjoyed them with veggies and dip.

I do hope you have a great day. Sorry I am not full of sunshine today. This too will pass. In the meantime, don't forget!

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And I do too!