FOR TODAY, June 18th, 2024
OUTSIDE MY WINDOW ...
These two little dears are actively engaged in watching a blackbird preen itself on my front deck railing. They are staring with rapt attention, the odd chattering noise coming from Cinnamon's mouth while Nutmeg's tail waves back and forth. It is a dull day, mostly cloudy, and a heat warning is in effect.
I AM THINKING ...
I did not get much sleep last night. I was upset, my feelings were quite raw and near the surface. I think I am doing really well with everything and then something will happen which knocks me back a few pegs. My grandson Gabe is graduating from Highschool tomorrow morning. My grandson Jon is graduating on the 24th. My ex and his wife are already on their way over to go to Gabe's and I know they will be at Jon's as well. I cannot stand to be near them, not even for this. They, well specifically the stepmom are the source for my youngest daughter and son cutting me out of their lives. The vitriol and lies about me which have been spread have been extensive. I struggle with forgiveness, even though I know that I must forgive. I do not trust myself to be near them. I am afraid it will all come bubbling out and I don't want to ruin anyone's graduation with it all. They have a way of making me feel very small and insignificant. She has wanted to erase me for over 25 years now. Any time I have gone to any kind of family gathering, she has gone out of her way to make me feel unwelcome and like an intruder, like I do not belong. Before my oldest daughter got married, she dictated a letter to my daughter for her to send to me. It was nasty and hurtful. I almost did not go to the wedding. I finally did, but it was the single worst experience of my life. A day that should have felt special and wonderful, was ruined by this hateful woman's actions. She took every opportunity to make me feel excluded. I was not sat at the Bride's family table. I was excluded from the photos. I was made to feel like an outsider at every turn. I cannot face being around either one of them. And I know it seems small and like I should be able to put my own feelings aside for this, but my youngest son blocking me on Facebook on Mother's Day this year, for no apparent reason has rubbed salt into a very deep wound and I just cannot do it. I will not do it. I will not voluntarily ever go to anything that will serve to make me feel small, unwanted and undeserving of being there. I will celebrate my two grandsons accomplishments in another way.
I AM ALSO THINKING ...
I know this seems petty to anyone reading it. But those of you who have been with me since the beginning will know how much these two people have hurt and demeaned me through the years. I just cannot let them do it again.
IN THE KITCHEN ...
Roast Chicken with Sour Cherries, Green Olives, Thyme and Fennel. I cut a chicken in half yesterday and stuffed a deliciously aromatic and flavor filled stuffing beneath the skin before roasting it on a bed of thickly sliced lemon. It seems an unlikely combination I know but trust me when I tell you that it works unbelievably well. This was tender, juicy, moist and delicious. Sized for two.
ON MY "TO COOK" LIST ...
From Call Me PMC. French Onion Noodle Soup. This looks really tasty.
PRETENDING TO DANCE, by Diane Chamberlain
Molly Arnette is very good at keeping secrets. She lives in San Diego with a husband she adores, and they are trying to adopt a baby because they can't have a child on their own. But the process of adoption brings to light many questions about Molly's past and her family—the family she left behind in North Carolina twenty years before. The mother she says is dead but who is very much alive. The father she adored and whose death sent her running from the small community of Morrison's Ridge. Her own birth mother whose mysterious presence in her family raised so many issues that came to a head. The summer of twenty years ago changed everything for Molly and as the past weaves together with the present story, Molly discovers that she learned to lie in the very family that taught her about pretending. If she learns the truth about her beloved father's death, can she find peace in the present to claim the life she really wants?
•。★★ 。* 。
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˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★
⋱ ⋮ ⋰
⋯ ◯ ⋯ Take time to enjoy the small *´¯`.¸¸.☆
⋰ ⋮ ⋱ blessings in life.*´¯`.¸¸.☆
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And I do too!
Prayers for you. So sorry you have to deal with this.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I appreciate them. I do need them. xo
DeleteSpecial events bring feeling like that to the surface so much more. So hard to deal with. Perhaps you can have a celebration at another time with the boys. Continue to be strong. Heat here again today. I do wonder how we managed to survive growing up without knowing all these warnings about weather and whatnot, perhaps we were best to not know and just carry on from day to day. Have a good day. Hope the knee is better.
ReplyDeleteWe will certainly have a celebration at another time. Its very warm here today also. High humidity, high temperatures. But we are coping! Stay hydrated and keep your cool! xoxo
DeleteWe too have been not informed, uninvited, second class. Actually still are. There is no stepmom in our case...it is those who married in...or their kin. Does not matter who it is really, does it? Other than to show how absurd that ANYONE would ever give a rip about how these controllers think on any subject or event. Some things of this earth are beyond belief or description. Sending you many HUGS, Marie. And I think any event that you feel would make you feel so badly, even if the event itself is a good one, it is best for one's health to just not go. We too have declined such. We know we are "last in line" with many...and sometimes not "even in line at all". I try to be grateful for the "crumbs under the table" in life and console myself that at least we get a few crumbs. Not easy. I do think however such grief could kill you...there is actually something to the broken heart syndrome and people have actually died due to it. Your sister and your dad need you now...so this choice could save your life. Besides, with a huge group at an event, the amount of time you would get to spend with your grandsons would be miniscule. Much better to have a real visit later!! Within my husband's kin I was denigrated much so I got to the point I did not allow them to include me in photos...they had my husband and the kids in them...I chose not to be. I would make the same choice again!! It is not a matter of hate or unforgiveness...these people are to be pitied really. But one has the right to do whatever needed to preserve their own life!! Keep on keeping on!! Try to plan some fun things to do on those hard days...maybe go shopping or even go help your sister with some task away from your house even!! Maybe find a way to make a day journey elsewhere someplace comforting or fun.
ReplyDeleteHUGS, Elizabeth xoxo
These things have a way of working themselves out. I will hopefully be able to schedule some real time with both boys later this summer and we can enjoy something fun together without the stress of judgement hampering the fun! Hugs, xoxo
DeleteIt's strange to me how there is a "commonality of mean" that prevails all over the world. This is found in the jealous actions directed toward people everywhere, and that's what it is: jealousy. Not everyone has the gifts that you have, Marie, and you have a Soul willing and able to share these gifts. If you were to be able to lift above these jealous expressions directed toward you, and involving your children, then you could go to family gatherings and keep removed from any jealousy thrown your way. Give no reaction, if you can manage it, and show expressions of peace and love to all, including anyone who is behind the jealousy. Don't take the bait, and don't let it get you down. Could one of your friends, or maybe Cindy, go with you? You know who you are, and you know how you manage your life, and your creative hard work. You don't have any connection to people who spew out meanness and jealousy toward you, and you have the freedom to choose where you go, and what you do. I don't think they got the memo! So you show up if you want to, or stay away if you don't feel like going. But it's YOUR choice, not theirs!
ReplyDeleteWe live in a really mean world. No surprise there, as that is exactly what was predicted in the bible. I am sure jealousy is at the root it all and always has been. I have tried hard to be kind and loving in return, not always easy. Now, I choose to avoid any situations where I risk being confronted by it, by not inviting it into my life if given the choice. I do try to rise above it, but when two of your children have been alienated from you, plus three grandchildren that does become extremely difficult. I think by removing myself from any situation where this will be a problem is probably best for my family as well as well as myself. I feel better and there is no risk of anything going pear shaped. xoxo
DeleteSending a great big hug your way! It's hard I know, but tomorrow is another day; don't dwell on the past (haha, like it's so easy) and live "your" life with those who love you close by. Hope your Dad is doing well in his new environment and Cindy is coping with the new "addition" as well as the furbabies getting along!! ;)
ReplyDeleteSounds like the "Mean girls" table at the high school cafeteria.
ReplyDeleteStop giving these vile people the power to hurt you. It sounds like you have lovely people in your life who like and love you, choose them. Don’t dwell on the two or three others who do not. They do not care and nothing you have done or will do can change that. Once people do not care, it is over. Stop wasting your positive energy and accept the love coming your way every day and stop dwelling on what you don’t have from these others. Life is too short and thinking about it and losing sleep over it drags you down. It’s a choice you can make if you leave self-pity behind. Best to you!
ReplyDeleteI’m so very sorry you’ve had to endure this mean…no …hateful treatment, it breaks my heart….I can’t even imagine how it must feel. Give yourself some grace, you know who you are…plan on your own special, kind, sincere and loving sentiments with your grands another time…they know who you are and they know your heart. Again, I’m so sorry…I really don’t have any other words!
ReplyDeleteI wish your strength and peace, V.
Shame on your ex-husband for allowing you to be treated this way. Double shame on his now wife for being such a horrid human being.
ReplyDelete