When I saw the above photo this morning it made me smile. It reminded me of when I was a child and sharing a room with my sister. For all of my childhood I shared a bedroom with my sister. From the age of about 4 until the age of 10 we even shared a big double bed. We never minded. Its just how it was, and in truth, I would not have had it any other way!
I have always had a very vivid imagination. I had this idea in my head when I was young that there was a monster who lived underneath our bed. It was not just any monster. This monster had a very particular appetite and tastes. It loved to eat little children, to gobble them up, as most monsters do. for some reason however, this one was not fond at all of the heads of little children. Somehow they were distasteful to it. It must have been all that hair. I do not like having hair in my mouth, and I was quite sure it was the same for this particular monster.
I can remember always being very careful (to the point of being obsessive) to make sure that my sister only had her head exposed above the covers in our bed, as well as our stuffed toys and dolls we might have slept with. I can remember meticulously lining everything up just so each night when I went to bed, and carefully drawing the covers up just so . . . to protect us all.
And we were always kept safe. Always.
I hadn't really been looking forward to Valentines Day this year. That sweet day of lovers everywhere where you get to celebrate what you feel for each other. I know, that love is something we should share every day of the year, and I have always tried to, but this year was particularly bittersweet. I felt, the sour taste of the last five months or so having tainted and coloured the last twenty years of my life with a particularly sad hue. I was determined to get through it without feeling really sad, but I suppose it is only natural that I felt somewhat so.
I got through it by having a very churchy day I guess. Up early to watch church at 6 am in Chester, then again at 10 here in Nova Scotia, two lots of other meetings, etc. etc. I have found that focusing on the spirit has helped me a great deal over these months. Listening to music with a positive vent. Digging into the scriptures, pondering what they say to me, journaling my feelings. Watching uplifting programs on my laptop. All of these have helped a great deal.
I do feel sad, incredibly sad about all of it, and perhaps I always will, but, I am also determined to rise above it and come out the other end somehow better for having gone through it. Perhaps even stronger, God willing.
The hardest part is at night when I am alone with my inner voice. Sometimes it is very unkind to me. I can be very tired, so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open, and then I turn out the light, say my prayers and settle in for what I think is going to be a good night's sleep and this inner dialogue starts. Sometimes its not very nice at all. I start wondering what is it about me that makes me so unloveable that I have failed at this simple task not once, but three times. Was I not smart enough, or pretty enough. Did I not do enough, should I have tried harder, been thinner, taller, shorter, etc., blah, blah, blah . . . You get the point.
I find myself wondering, what is it about me that is so lacking that I am destined to never find the one thing in this life we all really want . . . someone worthy enough to share it with us.
And then I think about my abilities as a mother, sister, friend and I find myself lacking. Why do I have some children that are loving and devoted and some that couldn't care less. Why can I not ever get it right.
I know it is all foolishness, this line of thought. I know it, and still it comes.
Most of the time I try to stay quite busy. That really helps me a lot. When hands and hearts are busy there is no time to think. And I plan, boy do I plan. I make countless lists of what I am doing to do if and when. How things are going to look in my new place What my furniture will look like, how I will sort out my kitchen. How I am going to entertain my children and grandchildren when and if, God willing, this Covid is a thing of the past.
What kind of pet I am going to have. What I'm going to cook, paint, sew, read, etc. It helps. I hope I don't disappoint myself! I have always been a list maker, a planner, a fantastist.
I received the most delightful package from Elaine for Valentines Day. Elaine is the most beautiful gift wrapper. Everything she sends is always so beautifully wrapped and delights from the outside in.
So well thought out, so beautiful, I almost hate to disturb it. There is so much care that has gone into every single element.
Tears were shed. I am not sure I deserve all of this, but I am so very grateful for it. So very grateful. But mostly I am grateful for the friendship behind it all. It was our mutual love for all things vintage and Susan Branch which brought us together. Our love of Edna Jacques poetry, and Beatrix Potter, of kitchen kitsch. Thank you so much my sweet friend. Your timing was perfect. I felt so loved.
I was reading and listening to a talk by Jeffrey R Holland recently, The Ministry of Angels. It is a beautiful talk.
"God never leaves us alone,
never leaves us unaided in the challenges we face."
When I look back on my life I can clearly see the work of ministering angels in my life. They have come many times, in many ways and shapes and manners. Sometimes sooner, sometimes later. Soon or late, they have always come. They have been present in many guises, but always there. They are with me now. I have felt them around me these past six months in one way or another. I truly have.
"Occasionally the angelic purpose is to warn.
But most often it is to
comfort,
to provide some form of merciful attention,
guidance in
difficult times."
When the negativity in my head starts I need to remind myself, that I am worthy of so much more than that which my inner voice tells me. I am a precious daughter of a Heavenly Father who takes the time to be ever-present in my life and show me that He is there for me in whatever shape and form I am willing to accept and to see, and sometimes in other surprising ways. He knows me by name. He knows my strengths and my weaknesses. He loves me always and without reserve, without judgment. I know I have disappointed him many times, but he loves me irregardless, as he does all of us.
Our lives are not meant to be painless. There will be hurt and disappointment, sorrow and loss, amidst the undeniable joys. This is the very essence of life. Its how we grown and become the best that we can be. All things can and do work together for our good. I believe that. I trust ultimately in the goodness of God, of my Heavenly Father . . . to right all the wrongs and dry all the tears in one way or another. We are never truly alone, or worthless . . . and we are always loved.
A thought to carry with you . . .
° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★
*I will go before your face.
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★
*I will go before your face.
I will be on your right hand and on your left,
And my spirit shall be in your hearts,
and my angels round about you
to bear you up. •。★★ 。* 。
~D&C 84:88•。★★ 。* 。
And I will make sure that the covers are always pulled right up to your chin so that big bad monsters cannot will not eat you.
I hope you have a beautiful day. We didn't get too bad of a storm yesterday and it is bright out there today, however chilly. Don't forget!