Sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug . . . .

 

Yesterday I hit the wall.  I feared that day would come. In fact I knew it would come. In these weeks since everything started happening, I have just kept myself ploughing ahead, trying not to think about things overly much.  Just keeping busy. Trying to get settled, etc. When you stay busy you don't have time to think or to dwell. 

Yesterday I hit the wall, not to repeat myself or anything, and I know I just did.

There was a comment from someone and that kicked it off. I felt myself again having to explain everything to others. Rehashing what I really don't want to rehash.  A couple nights ago I had been  showing my dad how to delete e-mails from his hotmail account that he didn't want to keep easily.

Of course he didn't have his iPad with him, and so I was showing him on mine. 

 

I noticed a folder in my e-mail account I had labeled "Important E-mails." I thought to myself I will go back and look at those later. I wondered what it is I had thought was important enough to save in a folder labeled important.

So yesterday morning I watched my church, not once, but twice. Once in the UK and once here. and then a bit later on I decided to check out the "Important" e-mail folder. 

There were not a lot of e-mails in it.  One from my son Doug from a very long time ago, a few from my Aunt Freda and two from Todd from back in 2004, 2005. I did what I should never have done. I read them, and that was it. 

I won't tell you what was in them, suffice it to say that they were written when all of what he is serving in prison for was going on.  I had caught him chatting to "young women" online, etc. and called him out on it.

 

This was a pattern that this man followed all the days of our marriage. He would behave for a while, and then he would relapse.  I never wanted to be the woman who had failed three times at marriage. I very much wanted things to work. I tried very hard to make things work. These e-mails were very much him blaming me for his behaviour.  And maybe during that time I felt that I was responsible.

If I was thinner, if I was younger, if I was a better wife, etc. 

So anyways. I hit the wall.  I spent  most of yesterday not only feeling sorry for myself, but also feeling like there was not going to be any light at the end of the tunnel for me. That I was never going to be able to find joy again. That I was never going to be able to find a place to live, or a way to support myself, blah . . .  blah . . .  blah. 

I cried and I wallowed in my bedroom.  Tucked under a blanket. Even today I feel tearful about it all, and it is hard to shake those feelings of negativity.

But I have to. That is how Satan works. He finds a chink in your armour and my chink is low self esteem.  That is how he gets to me. He works on that and he convinces me that somehow everything is my fault and that had I been smarter, prettier, younger, thinner, etc. Well, you know the rest.

I was a fool to think that this was ever going to be simple. It never was. It was always only ever going to be hard, hard, hard  . . . 

 

Nothing worth having ever came easy to me.  I come from a line of strong women.  Women who have had to overcome hardship, hurt, illness, etc. My mother was a very strong woman. She was a fine example to me that you can get through just about anything life throws as you.

Life is hard. It will always be hard. Time for me to pick myself up again and try a bit harder to get past all of this. Its okay to wallow from time to time, but you don't get to stay there.  Things never ever did get better that way. 

I just wanted to share with you this morning. I have always tried to be real with you. I have never wanted you to think I lead a charmed life.  I don't think there is any such thing. Only people who are very good at hiding how much they are hurting inside.

I will get through this, but it may take a lot longer than I thought it would. And I think I am going to need to get a bit angry before I can be truly happy again.

We shall see. 

A thought to carry with you  . . . 

° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★
 *To make a difference in

someone's life, you don't

have to be rich, beautiful,

or perfect.•。★★ 。*

You just have to care.

•。★★ 。* •。★★ 。*  

 

 

There's some soup cooking in The English Kitchen today.  January is the perfect time for hot soup don't you think?

Have a wonderful day. I hope it is kind to you.  Be safe. Stay healthy and don't forget! 

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And I do too!