Sometimes . . .

 

Yesterday I had a day where I felt if anyone even touched me I would split in two and all of my grief and anger would pour out of me just like blood. I felt incredibly emotional and it was very hard keeping it all in check.  I suspect it will only get harder as this week progresses. I need to keep myself very busy and focused, or I am going to completely fall apart. I can totally empathsize with my mother who said, after my father had left her, it would have been better if he had just died. Death would have been much easier to deal with emotionally, which says a lot. 

It would have been about the mid-eighties, perhaps 1984, my father and my mother split up. This was a really difficult time for our whole family. My father, although I love him to pieces, is the kind of man who never should have gotten married. And he would be the first one to tell you that. He loves being "in love."  My father had always been my mother's whole world. When he left, her whole world fell apart. 

I remember getting a telephone call one morning from my Uncle Harold (who has always been my favourite Uncle).  My mother had tried to kill herself. I can still remember the devastation of that phone call, the way my heart sank, the hurt, the fear.  I was living in London, Ontario at the time and mom was in Nova Scotia. We piled all four kids into the car and started driving East. 

They would only release my mother from the hospital if someone could be there, and there was no question in my mind about my being there. I had to be there for the person who had always been there for me.

A journey which should have taken two days with proper breaks, took less than 12 hours. We drove straight through and took the ferry across rather than drive all the way around.  It was an exhausting and very emotional trip. But it was the right thing to do.  I was so very grateful to be able to do it. 

 

 

Mom had always been there for me, and I very much needed to be there for her, and so I was.  My ex-husband was able to arrange a compassionate posting (he was in the airforce) back to Nova Scotia and within a few months we were living there. I think our presence was very good for her healing, for helping to get her back to where she needed to be, mentally and emotionally.  It was a really difficult time for all of us, and especially for my mother.  It is not an easy thing to get through, the implosion of the centre of your world, but somehow we got through it and came out the other side stronger in many ways. 

It pains me deeply that I was always there for my mother through the years . . .  and then in her last years of life, just when she needed me most . . .  I was not.  And it pains me even more to know that I could have been, should have been, would have been . . .  were it not for the manipulations and lies of another. And that makes me feel angry and bereft and incredibly sad. 

I am grieving, and at the same time I am having to hold it all together enough so that I can do the things I need to do. And I feel very much like I am doing it all alone and it is completely overwhelming me. And all I really want to do is to be able to crawl into my mother's lap and have her make it all go away. I am having an emotional wobble. 

 

Yesterday my friend Tina messaged me that she felt impressed to tell me that I needed to buy my ticket now, get all my things packed up, both the things I need to take with me on the plane and the things I want to have with me afterwards and then to just go.  Let them all worry about clearing the house and getting rid if that is what needs to happen. Let them worry about getting/sending whatever I want to keep over to me in Canada if it is possible.

 

We won't know until the 3rd of November if Todd will be staying here or not. If he is, then simple. I can just take what I need and skeddadle, leaving it all up to him. If he is not, then so much more needs to be done, and it is quite simply overwhelming me.

I need to make a list. I need to buy a ticket.  I need to get travel health insurance. I need to just go. To leave. I think this week will be very much focused towards that end and making it happen and all while my heart is breaking into a bazillion pieces. 

I am sure there are people out there who have been where I am. 

  

Daniel Gerhartz, Hind's Feet

Elder Jeffrey R Holland has counseled us to "Ask for Angels to help you."  For  the past twenty years, I have kept my covenants, and been faithful and true. I have done whatever I am asked to do and beyond.  I am asking now for angels to help me, and I am believing that they will.  From this side of the veil and from the other. I am not going to let pride stand in my way. 

President Joseph F. Smith declared: “When messengers are sent to minister to the inhabitants of this earth, they are not strangers, but from the ranks of our kindred and friends . . . . In like manner, our fathers and mothers, brothers, sisters, and friends who have passed away from this earth, having been faithful, and worthy to enjoy these rights and privileges, may have a mission given them to visit their relatives and friends upon the earth again, bringing from the divine Presence messages of love, of warning, of reproof and instruction to those whom they had learned to love in the flesh.” 

Mama, I need your help. Please help me to do the things I need to do.  Help me to have the strength I need to have in order to move forward. Please help me to wipe away my tears of grief and frustration and anger and to pull up my shorts and just do what I need to do. 

A thought to carry with you  . . . 

° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門 ★
 *Sometimes the best people 

have the worst experiences

because they are the 

most ready to learn.

~Elder Neal A Maxwell ° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •

° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •° * 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 

 

 

 

In The English Kitchen today . . .  Mary Berry's Cheese Scones.  Incredibly delicious. 

Thank you for letting me vent. Whatever you get up to on this day, don't forget! 

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and I do too!