ZZZzzz. . . .

 

I am an insomniac and have been one for many years.  It seems my whole adult life I have struggled with either going to sleep or staying asleep.  I have had some times when it is worse than others.  I have tried just about everything to combat it.  Hot milk before bed, sleep hynosis tapes, counting sheep, sleeping tablets, etc. 

I try to go to bed at the same time every night and to get up at the same time every morning.  I try not to do anything after a certain time of the day, except to relax and watch quiet television with only a hook and some yarn in my hands or a needle and thread.  I also try not to eat anything after a certain time.  Through the years this timeline has gotten earlier and earlier.  At this point I daren't be active or take phone calls, have visitors, etc.  much after 6 or 6:30 pm. because if I do, that's it  . . .  I find myself not being able to fall asleep much earlier than one or two in the morning, and that's after taking something in a last ditch effort to try to bring on sleep. 

 

Its much worse if I have to go out in the evening.  For instance last Saturday I went to the Conference at our chapel, from 6 pm until 8 pm.  It was probably 8:30 by the time I got home. Right into my jim jams, mug of warm milk, Gilmore Girls (routine) and still it was well after 2 am before I was finally able to fall asleep, and then I had to be up early because I had church the next morning.   Last night was our women's activity at the chapel.  I try not to go to anything at night if I can help it, but had been asked to do a presentation on flat breads. I just couldn't say no.  I spent all day yesterday getting ready for it and to be honest I was exhausted by the time I left for the chapel.  People were depending on me, for lifts and for all sorts.  The presentation went well I think, and I got home about 10:00 pm.  I got to sleep a bit earlier than I did on Saturday night (which was great) but it was still about 1 am, and I must have woke up about 2 or 3 times during the night and was up at 6 am. 

 

Its not just if I have to be out in the evening.  Its also if I have something really important to do the next day.  And it can be ANYTHING.   Church.  Appointments. Giving a lesson. Giving a talk.  Taking a trip. Going to the temple, etc.  The last time I flew home to Canada when my mom was having her cancer operation.  I DID NOT SLEEP ALL NIGHT the night before I left.  I tried everything.  I just lay there awake.  That was the most horrendous journey of my life with missed and or delayed flights, not once but 3 times, which meant that by the time I got to my mothers I had been awake for almost 3 days and was good for nothing. 

This means that I am tired and lacking in energy most of the time and I hate it.  It means that I find myself not going to a lot of things that I might enjoy because I am worried before I even go that I won't be able to sleep afterwards.  I'm not sure this is normal.  I hate to think that it might be.

 

When I do fall asleep, I am plagued by vivid dreams.  Often in my dreams I am still working at the Manor (old news) and I can't seem to do the things I am being asked to do or to complete the tasks I am being asked to do and I spend all night trying to do them and I wake up feeling exhausted because I have been working all night!  Or I am taking care of my children, and they are small and there are problems and I am trying to do my best and failing . . . and again  . . . the dream carries on all night and I wake up feeling exhausted.  Or I fall asleep, start to dream right away and it turns into a nightmare and its usually someone breaking into the house, always a man and he is coming up the stairs, or trying to break into the bathroom while I am in there, or the bed is holding me down and I can't get up, etc.  and I wake myself up calling for help or my mother . . .   At those times I daren't go back to sleep right away because I am afraid the dream will continue and so I read for a while to put it out of my mind. Night terrors  . . . 

As a child I remember being convinced there was a monster under the bed that would eat us.  This monster didn't like the taste of heads however, so I would take very special care to make sure that only our heads were showing above the blankets.  My sister's, my brother's, all of our stuffed toys, mine . . .  and I would wake up periodically through the night to make sure that we were still safe. 

 

As a child I remember once hearing my mom and one of her friends talking about somebody swallowing their tongue and dying . . .  and I became obsessed with the thought that I might swallow my tongue in bed . . .  and so then I had to be sure that when I went to bed and was laying down that my tongue was clamped firmly between my teeth lest I suffer that horrible fate. I could think of nothing worse than swallowing your own tongue and choking to death on it. 

I am not even sure it is possible to do so and please don't tell me

if it is! 

 

We are now coming up to one of the busiest times of the year  . . .  with a myriad of social obligations looming in front of us.  Christmas parties and dinners out, activities etc.  And I find myself dreading them.  There is the annual Ladies Night Out at Plas Hafod that I always really enjoy  A lovely meal in lovely company, and I have already paid my deposit for it, but I find myself thinking now that I will just forfeit my deposit and find an excuse not to attend because going will mean that I break several of my rules . . .  one - eating after 6 pm . . .  two - staying out well past 7 pm . . .  three - animated conversation past 6 pm.   I am already fretting about not being able to sleep afterwards  . . .  and weighing out the pros and cons in my mind. 

  

And I haven't even touched here on the problems I have sleeping when being in someone else's home, or a hotel, or  . . .  just away from my own bed, pillow, environment, etc.  That's a whole different ball of wax. 

 

 I am pretty sure  none of this is normal.  Todd wonders why when I haven't had a good night sleep I still get up at the same time.  Mitzie is depending on me.  She gets fed at a certain time, without fail every morning.  I hate to disrupt her routine and make her upset.  But right now I am feeling like I can go back to bed and maybe sleep for a bit longer . . . and so I think I will do just that . . . see you tomorrow.

ZZZzzz . . .