Saturday ponderings . . .

 

Today my oldest daughter, Eileen  turns 39.  It hardly seems possible.  It seems like it was just yesterday when I was holding her in my arms for the very first time, and wondering at the wonder of her.  The years fly by so quickly.  I hope that she has a lovely day.  I am sure that she will.  She has plans to go with her husband and a few friends out for a Chinese meal at their local Chinese Restaurant.  I know what she will have.  Sweet and Sour Chicken Balls, Beef and Broccoli and Fried Rice with an Egg Roll.   She didn't tell me what she was going to order, but I have been with her many times in the past and that is what she always gets, and that is what I always get.  We are like two peas in a pod.  We not only look alike, but we share many of the same qualities.  We are both tenacious, stubborn and dogmatic.  We are both loyal and tender hearted.  We both love with all of ourselves and care deeply for those around us.  We both try hard at anything we put our hands to doing.  We don't give up.  I love her with all of my heart and I am very proud of all that she has and will accomplish in her life.  She is a beautiful woman with a beautiful heart, where beauty really counts.  I am so very grateful for the relationship I have with her.  It is a wonderful gift to me.  I wish I could do more for her.

I think we talk just about every day on the computer.   I love that she seeks me out and wants to talk to me.  It makes me happy that she wants to do that and that I am the first one she wants to talk to when something goes wrong in her life, or when she needs advice, or when she is sad or happy , or even when she just wants to talk.   That means the world to me.   It is a wonderful treasure.

I was going through my family photos that I have stored in photobucket this morning and it made me feel incredibly sad.  Life is a funny thing.  For some people it turns out exactly the way they imagined it would turn out and then for others it becomes something completely different.

They say you get the life you deserve.   I don't know if that is true or not.   Once upon a time I imagined that in my sixties I would be surrounded by children and grandchildren and living happily ever after.  Instead I find myself quite on my own over here in a strange land.  I have a husband who loves the bones off me, and honors me with respect and care . . .  and a wonderful puppy who does the same.  I have three children who want to have a relationship with me and two that do not.   Five out of my seven grandchildren know who I am and are comfortable talking to me. I find myself having to measure and monitor my speech around and in certain places because I know there are people who lie in wait for me to trip up and who would do anything to take away these few things that bring me joy in my life, to destroy what I do have, or to twist things I do/say for some ulterior motive of their own that I can not even begin to comprehend.  It makes me sad to know that.  I don't understand it.  It makes me sad that these very moments in life that I should be enjoying to the fullest, like  Birthdays and Christmas's, Mother's Days,etc. are always tinged with sorrow and fear . . .  and loss.  It makes me sad that I am always afraid that someone will swoop in and spoil them for me, that I find myself always waiting for it, for the monster to jump out of the closet and shout, Gotcha!   I hate that I feel unable to share things with you untmostly and especially on those special occasions because I know that if I did someone would want to spoil it, and would try . . . and sadly would probably succeed.  It makes me sad that someone could hate me so much and I find myself wondering why . . .  what have I ever done to them . . .

 

I find a great comfort in the Gospel  and the peace and knowledge it brings into my life.   I find myself dwelling on and cherishing things and people like my husband and Mitzie, my relationship with Eileen and my two oldest sons, Anthony and Doug, my oldest five grandsons, my mom and my dad . . . my friends both real and invisible . . .  my art, my crafts  . . .  cooking, blogging. 

No . . . . .  it isn't the life I imagined I would have, but it is still a very good life.  And I am grateful for that.

I am the daughter of a King with a Divine inheritance.  I am much more than the measure of the worst thing I have ever done    . . . and I am loved beyond measure.  I have and will accomplish great things.   I have risen like a phoenix from the ashes many times in my life,  and in large that is due to my faith which sustains me and brings me light and life.  I am a good person and I have surrounded myself with other good people. 

It is not the Happily Ever After I had envisioned when I was a much younger woman, but it is still a Happily Ever After.  It is my Happily Ever After.  Thanks for always listening and for putting up with my ponderings.  Tomorrow is a new day . . . and there is much to look forward to.

In The English Kitchen today  . . . . Swedish Apple Pie.  This may well be my undoing.  Oh my word it is so delicious.   Dangerous even.  It doesn't look like much and it is really simple to put together . . .  you think it won't work, but it does.  Beautifully.  Deliciously.  Dangerously. 

Have a great Saturday.  Don't forget . . .

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and I do too!